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I'm still waiting for Bolts Small Goals 101 book!

So I don't check the threads for a little under 12 hours and Denver you have gone into some really deep provoking thoughts. I am know I am a little late but figured I would share my forture cookie advice anyways. Few are the days that I feel clear of thought.

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The problem lies in that I can't set any boundaries right now. I have to be a doormat without seeming to be a doormat!! Without feeling like a doormat!

I disagree with this statement. Do you feel like a doormat? Why? She is your W correct? I also disagree with the fact that you can’t set boundaries; for you it might be one thing for me another. I will travel this lonely road alone, I will suffer and I will learn but I will not lose myself and become someone I am not. I have my boundaries set with my W, a point I will not cross.

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Another issue with this money thing is that if we do reconcile, I don't want her finances to be so jacked up that it puts our marital finances in a bad way! What am I suppose to do here?!?!

I think you are putting the cart before the horse. If you do reconcile……….the key work being IF. If you help her, then help her because it comes from the heart and you want to. I know about the finances trust me but if my W and I reconcile I will accept her as she is and through my changes I will have a better M that will enrich both our lives.

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How is it possible to love someone and want them so much yet feel so much anger and hate for them at the same time?

That is a good question. I get my answer every time I pass a mirror and see my reflection. Only the question changes to “how could she have a loved a man who fell so short in his responsibility to care and be compassionate for so long”.

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Thursday may be the endgame for me.

It will be with that attitude and only if you so chose it.

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I hear so much talk on this forum that seems to discount the importance of why we came here in the first place, i.e., to save our M or R.

Not from me. I came here to save my M but I have found in the process how to save myself, either way for me it is a win win. What I want in my heart is to save my M and get back together with my W but I know after the pain has faded if I have failed I will arise a better man. So will you.

I know you are thinking with a much clearer mind today but I wanted to share my thoughts on your words yesterday. Your patience and consistency is something I have admired in you since I began to follow your thread. It’s funny I feel like I know you and I know your W I also understand your thought process, but I want to caution you heading into Thursday because negative thoughts would ruin all the progress you have made up to now.

I believe that you will make it and I am sure I will see you in the success stories of this website but in order to get there you must first take inventory in the changes you have made and make sure that they are REAL, not only for yourself but for the benefit of your M. As you pointed out, that is the end game of everyone here.

so many days and nights I have cried and I cry a lot while reading the posts .. not because I share in the misery but because of the understanding..

I know i'm not alone in my struggle and I wish you all the very best luck in your positions.

thanks for this post denver.

"if I had to take away a star in the sky for every time I missed you. I'd be sitting here in the dark"

Denver FYI, I seldom post at nights, it is my family time, ONE of my failings in my marriage was losing myself in the computer and ignoring my wife and family, one could say this is a self imposed boundary.

As a mod, I do not want someone in need to wait 16 hours however, before they can post. Only in MLC though can I do that. So with my wife's blessing I check here every now and then.

I'll post tomorrow and look forward to it, I am glad that you liked what I wrote.

Along those lines? I'm not sure I would have taken my wife back if I hadn't become a better person.

Wow, I stay off this thing for a day and the world explodes. Dang it, Denver. You have come full circle before I could even jump in.

So, instead of re-hashing the stuff here already, I want to send you a personal message of solidarity. I AM SO HERE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!!!

One of the biggest reasons why my W left is because I was an insensitive *sshole who always put himself first and the marriage second. I swear we are twin brothers who were separated at birth. The burning question is how do we proceed? You are absolutely right to be confused.

Despite what the book says and what other members say here, there has to be a time that we have to stop with the going "dark" and the acting "as if" and all the other stuff and just show them that we can still love them in the way that they want to be loved. No, you can't just let them suffer when they are in trouble. At some point, they are going to come to the conclusion that you have moved on and don't care anymore. So, now what????

I worry about this quite a bit lately. At some point, the thought is going to cross her mind that I don't care anymore. I have been so freaking "matter of fact" and "as if" lately that there is no sign of me having any emotions. This is what I grilled the DB coach about the other night. When do you know that it might be time to turn off the stuff and just show them you still care? Who knows.

Unfortunately, I am not there yet. After watching my W stand there in my kitchen last night and just shove her "look at me attitude" in my face, I do realize that I still have a very, very long way to go.

My advice as your wing man it this... Be there for her, but stop volunteering so much. This part of the other posts I do agree with. Somehow, find a way to be there for her without hovering or immediately scooping her up when trouble appears. No, you are not a doormat. You are a good man who loves his W and doesn't want her to be in pain. But, you may have to let her feel some of that pain before she will "come to."

In my opinion, which isn't worth much, you are close to a break-through here. But, I don't think it is going to happen as quickly as you would like. Keep that in mind. Yes, I do realize that will be the hardest part. I am right there with you also...

BITS never walk alone!!!

FOBD

No offense, but why does it take the worst in our spouse to bring out the best changes in us. Frankly, it's terrible that we don't realize the problems until it's almost too late. Sometimes, I think we get what we deserve.

You got it!

well, at least a post of it

I don't want to pour ice water on your hope, but I think you need to go to meet her with your head out of any fog that has clouded your brain.

I am suspicious when a WAW, who is in an A, initiates a R talk. Please do not go to this meeting thinking that she wants to R the M. I am concerned that you could be setting yourself up for more pain. Just go to hear what she has to say. You've already hashed this thing from almost every angle and haven't even heard her yet. It will drive you nuts.

You pretty well laid out your part of the R talk when you and she were texting back & forth.......and I might add, you were too eager in your messages. It was evident to me and I think your WAW probably saw it as well.

I think she will want you to "rescue" her in some way....and that will be what the "talk" will be about. My warning to you is to be very careful what you leap into as she talks. You need to keep quiet and listen very carefully to what she says....and especially to what she doesn't say. When she finishes, then think before you speak. After all, she already knows hos you feel. You've been plain about that.

If she doesn't willingly tell you that OM is completely out of her life, then it's a no-go. That has to be the main issue, or else she is using you to rescue her financially or some other way.

If she kind of puts the idea of R out there.....almost teasing you to see what you will propose, be careful. She doesn't need to come back until she knows 100% that she's ready to work on your M.

Bolt, YOU ROCK!!!

Sandi, you like Truegritter are such straight shooters. I really admire that about you both because you tell us things sometimes that we don't want to hear but need to.

Denver my brother, I am concerned for you. You have done such amazing work with DB'g but I too am afraid you are drowning yourself with too much reconciliation water. I don't want your expectation to be so high for your talk tommorrow that you are going to take 10 steps back. You have worked so hard to be a changed man for yourself and for your family. Reconnection before reconcilation. Crawl before you walk. Patience. From a girl's perspective, it doesn't sound to me like your W is in the mindset yet of R talk. It doesn't sound like she's made any strides to get herself to a healthier way of thinking at the moment. Does it mean she won't? Certainly not. Perhaps her meeting with you tommorrow night is a test of sorts. Remember, your actions will speak volumes over your words. You need to listen to what she has to say. Validate her feelings simply by saying you agree with what she is telling. Don't go into any convo's about where you messed up because if you keep bringing that up, she is only going to be reminded of why she left. You have to play this very close to the vest. Your DB skills are going to be tested BIG time and I know you can pass with flying colors.

Think to yourself throughout the conversation tommorrow night if your answers will be getting you closer to your goal or farther from your goal. You obviously would want closer vs. farther.

I don't mean to sound uncaring because I do care and have always held your sitch as hopeful and still do.

You are awesome - show her.