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I posted this in my MLC thread but am not getting any responses, so I am hoping that I could find more feedback here....

I feel like I am finally learning to let go... but i am not sure. I have over analyzed my sitch into confusion sometimes... so here goes...

My old threads were all about H, the EA, the OW. Obviously, that was my main focus then. Not that I did not understand what PEI, Cat, HB, and everyone else was telling me. It was just that I could not do it, as I was always still holding on, finding ways to say I was letting go but my subconscious still plotted ways and means to twist the concepts I read about and apply them in a seemingly DB'ing manner BUT with strings attached.
The results? He did stay, but he progressively became more and more miserable, and we would cycle through our ups and downs but the downs always seemed worse. I would celebrate my small victories of having staved off the separation, the divorce, only to realize that the sum total was still backward steps.

H once even told me that he was afraid that the good memories of our M would one day get lost in the misery he was feeling, and then there would be no more positive things to remember.

That was the one thing that made me freak out, that made me feel that I was losing him totally.

I had to stop and rethink a lot of things. I was in such pain and confusion. The classic question, would letting go make me lose him, or gain him back, weighed heavily on my mind.

By Sunday morning I was close to a breakdown and H even got so agitated by my behaviour that he wanted to cancel his trip to our home country. He wanted to bring me to the hospital. I flat out refused and told him I just needed to pray for guidance, and that I wanted him to go on the trip so I could have some peace by myself as well.

When I felt calmer, we talked. I let him know that my feelings of resentment and betrayal and anger which led me to believe that we could never be friends outside the were being replaced by the realization that I love him and want him to be happy, as I myself cannot be happy if I know he is miserable. I really meant this. That if I am willing to talk about the S, and to try to remain friends.

I told him that one of my heartaches was that he was letting the present situation sully our past, that I do not see our past as being a lie because we did not know any better then and really worked in earnest to make our life a good one, and that if we did not go through our past, we will not get here where we are anyway.

I let him know that I want D12 to have a good memory of her childhood, to look back and know she had a happy one, which is true, and how could she do that if we did not acknowledge it? It was like a lightbulb moment, he looked at me and told me "well said, angel. That is very true". This accomplished one of my goals for the convo, and I think it will have a lasting impact.

In the end, both he and I agreed that an S or D at this point in time was too risky, and was like jumping off the cliff. We came up with a two year plan that includes me quitting my job and going back to school to review for my licensure in the states and retraining so I could practice my profession. He whole heartedly committed to supporting me, letting me know that my happiness and fulfillment is a priority for him as well. I also promised him that as long as he was single, I would repay him by supporting him if he wanted to do the same as well after me. I let him now there were things I wanted us to do together as a family before we S, and that I also want to work at being friends if we do S as we will have to face each other for many, many special occasions and not so special occasions due to our having a child together.

I did let him know though that I still do not want to D, that to me our M is a covenant, and will always have hope, though not expectations, that someday we will still be together.

The rest of the day became so much lighter and I saw a lot of the old H. he relaxed and we bantered, he initiated conversation, we went to church and he was so attentive at Mass, and even flirted with me and admitted that there was still a physical attraction between us. I responded by saying that yes, especially now that he is so fit, he is even more attractive to me and I cannot help but be turned on when we are together. In the evening, we ended up ML, the best since Nov.26 (end of EA). It made me think of Butterflymom's sitch, that I just read through last night. The part about how she was weak when it came to the sex, as her H was really handsome, and on the other side of the coin, how her H felt it helped rekindle their R. I think in my case it might be the same, as that is how we started in the first place - via a strong physical relationship.

Oh well, this is getting long but I still have a lot to share, so I will end it here for now. I will post again later to finish the story....but for now....Please let me know if I am finally on the right path.....

Hi Angel

I've been reading along since you started posting and I'm sorry you are going through this. You've made a lot of progress in the past couple of months and you should be proud of yourself. You have some great people posting to you over in MLC. They have much to teach you.

You are really starting to "get it". Getting it intellectually and integrating the knowledge into your behaviour is the really hard, but key part of this process.

The thing that strikes me from your post is that you had an emotional crisis yourself over the weekend, and it manifested after you'd really intellectualized the stuff you've been learning. You had a breaktrhough and understood finally that if you do truely love him and love him unconditionally - you have no option but to let go.

He wants one thing and you want another and you realise you are engaged in a battle of wills with him because you think what you want is more important than what he wants. You finally understood that what all those wise ones are talking about is that you have to let him go before he can come back. You really started to get it - but you were still weighing the concept with signficant attachment to the outcome and more than a large dash of self interest



… but girl, then, then after a long conversation, where you started by laying out unconditional love and a sincere desire for your H to do what he needs to do … by the end of the convo you were back to putting conditions on how you want it to work out.



Gorgeous, it’s a bit of a confusing conversation because sometimes you appear to be saying that effectively you’ve agreed to separate in 2 years (and it sounds like that’s what your H has agreed) – but I hear this sigh of relief in your post, like “whew, that was a close call, but I’ve got him to sign on for 2 years. (☺)

We can never be whole people when what we say and what we do are 2 different things. ((((Angel)))))

DBing is an incredibly important tool for relearning old inappropriate behaviours and ways of being that are no longer useful for us. You could keep your husband home for 2 years only to have to go through this again then … or you can use this opportunity to learn to trust that you don’t need to hold on so tight. You can’t control the outcome of your husband’s journey. It’s his journey and loving him means you respect him enough to accept it is his right to take that journey – in whatever way he needs to.

Detach Angel. Try to trust that the outcome will be divine and perfect. Let your husband take his journey and be honest with yourself about what compromises you are really making.

What you really found out today is that when you take the pressure off – and demonstrate to him that you are OK – he’s not trapped there, etc … then he’ll loosen up and your time together will be relaxed, loving and you’ll have an opportunity to rebuild intimacy.

Life is not a dress rehersal. You’re not living for whatever happens in 2 months or 2 years time, you must live for today. Detach from the outcome, love yourself, love your husband, love your daughter, be the best you, you can be every minute of every day without investment in where it might lead.

Stop concerning yourself with the payoff. It’s not about the payoff – it’s about the only life you have to live.

Virginia,

To that whole response all I can say is wow. I am borrowing those incredible words of guidance and copying them to my thread.

Bless you!

Angel,

I'm in a similar sitch as you, wrestling with the old cliche that if you love something set it free...

It ain't easy but I believe it is the only true and reliable path.

What I do know is that the more I detach and letter her go, the more she initiates and keeps coming back to me.

THESE are the moments I am cherishing. Celebrating. Reveling in. These precious conversations my wife and I are having, the intimacy, the truth, the awareness, the presence, relaxation, flow...these are the moments that truly matter.

This is now and this is where she and I are at, and I wouldn't trade these difficult times with her for all the pleasure in the world with someone else.

That's simply how it is for me.

And something tells me you are on that path as well.

Keep up.

Those word are are precious.

We both agreed to the two years as we are both afraid, we both have been through the turmoil of dealing with our D's anxiety disorder sometime ago, and have no desire to go through it again, and we think our D still is in a vulnerable age. We also are not financially in a good position - too much debt. I actually told my H that I am willing to go for broke, sell our houses, but he is too much of a practical person to do it. Even now that we have a two year plan, when I mentioned to him about timelines for when we could put the house on the market, etc. he said that we should just decide when the time comes close.

For my H, however, I see now that the knowledge that I have accepted the sitch, the fact that I am planning my life beyond him is enough, and makes him realize that I am moving forward. I am planning to make a big step, follow my dream, be my own person again, and I think his admiration for me is coming back.


Some observations I made:

1. He started using "we" when planning for when I stop work and do my review. "We" will move to a smaller house, "we" will become a single income family - I thought we were separating!?! I smiled inside me.
2. He said he was not really interested in remarrying, just wanted to feel "free".

He's with his family now, visiting. His SIL (she knows) and I talked over the phone, and she told me that he was sharing travel plans with her, telling her about our plans for vacations in the future, telling her that I have slimmed down, seemed to be happy.

I, on the other hand, am savoring being by myself, and am getting excited with the prospect of going back to practice the profession I love. I am actually already allowing myself to dream a little. I have not cried in the past few days.

Oh, another small thing: It is OW's birthday today. I am wondering why he decided to take this unplanned vacation on the other side of the world at this time. I was actually dreading that he would plan to go visit OW on this day....

I'm not complaining! Its one of those things I will never know why anyways. Just sharing as it is one of those things that give me a secret little smile.

HUGE. Just huge. Dream a lot and get back to doing what you love. It's so freeing!

keep it up angel!

And Virginia, I promise to try to bring what I say and what I do closer and closer together. It is a long, hard journey, I think I find it harder than most, I think I am less honest to myself than many here.

To think I was such a free spirit, and in the early part of my marriage, was the one having trouble settling, accepting domesticity.

I clipped my wings too far back and need to grow them out so I can fly on my own again.

Thanks Bolt!

I am keeping it up. Today I even started looking at smaller homes. I am not afraid. Been there, done that. I had a great career going in my home country, worked my way up for 10 years, the uprooted to move here. Started from scratch, in 10 yrs both me and H are doing good, but now planning to restart again.

Well, so far so good. I hear from his sibs that H is having a grand time in his vacay.He seems relaxed and happy. He has called 2x, I called once. Our conversation was friendly.

I am not missing him .... uhoh, thats not good, eh?

Now that I have told H about my desire to see him happy and to let go, and we are in a holding pattern for the next 2 years while we wait for conditions to become more stable....

I wonder how I am going to act now.

How am I ging to DB. Should I be friendly? Could I initiate convo, calls, etc. because we are now friends? Do I let him take the lead and just take my cues (example if he is mad I will just stay away).

Drawing the line between pursuing, and being friends is hard. I know any overture is seen as pressure, so I really have to walk a thin line. However, the effect is me walking on eggs, and also running out of interesting conversation topics, as everything seems to fall in the "unsafe" topics bucket.

Friends, I post both here and in MLC because I am not sure if my H has MLC or is more of a WAS. I identify my sitch more with people her in newcomers, so sorry for being all over the place.

I started a new thread in MLC called " H is taking all the blame - why?". If you have some time, please read and let me know what you think.

Thanks!