My W tells me me that the whole reason she wants the D is so that our daughter should not see my depression.
We were discussing child custody today and my W told me that we have 2 options:
1: W and I get joint custody and i need to see a counselor regularly and my W regular contacts the counselor to check on my progress.
2: W gets sole custody and there will be no requirement on me to see a counselor.
Now I am hoping to reconcile with my W (even if divorce goes through). If i pick option 2, my W might think that i have no interest in taking care of my issues and may not want to reconcile. If i take 1, i hate to be on the court hook for therapy.
I'd like to go counseling but not under court orders. And i'd like my W to know that i am working toward change. Any help here?
Thanks!!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Man you need to take a breather here for a minute. Do you have a depression problem? Have you been diagnosed or is this W telling you this. I know you were on meds but that really means nothing. I can walk into my doctors office and get meds for anything.
Sounds to me like the very thing your W is complaining about you is exactly what you are doing. You said earlier she wanted a lion and got a teddy bear. If she is set on the D and you are willing to go through with the D then you know what. Lawyer up my friend!
I love my W but I would be dam# if my W said my two options were she gets to meet my C or I get nothing. Also sounds to me like a 180 for you is to get a back bone and stand up for yourself. I mean somebody jump in here if I am totally missing the mark.
I don't know your sitch very well, but I have read a few of your posts. It is ever so apparent that your W and YOU know that your indecisiveness IS a problem with your relationship. YOU LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU WANT TO BE HER DAD. Why don't you DECIDE that YOU are going to therapy for YOURSELF and so that you can be a better man for your D? Why wait for the court to order it. do it now. REALIZE you have a problem, then look for a solution to help get it under control. Sounds like that would be a great 180 and also help solve some of your other problems...IDK
Wait... I missed the part where the court is ordering it??? I saw the part where your W is ordering it...?
I mean, I'm with 2Step here. What kind of documentation or proof does anyone have on your depression? Also, I guess I missed the part where you told us whether you wanted shared custody or to give your W sole custody.
Seriously, what is that book you guys keep talking about ... you know the one about getting your balls back? You are letting your W control far too much of this situation. I know that you want her back, but this isn't the way. You need to decide what you want and stand up for it!
I'm sorry for your pain and what you are going through. Maybe you can really articulate for us what you want.
I wanted to wait for someone else to weigh in on this before I kept going.
Karma, I am going to take a wild guess here and tell you what I think your W would find extremely sexy and hard to resist based on the way you describe her and describe yourself.
A little bit of me in you!
You need to grab the bull by the horns here and STAND for what you believe. Based on what you wrote I fail to see that your depression is based on an actual diagnosis. Therefore who exactly is your W to give you the options as to how you are going to see your D?
Look DB is about doing the 180's and validating but in your case the 180 includes finding your stones and manning up. I hope you don't take this the wrong way I am only going based on your description and the reaction your W has when you appear to be some hurt wounded animal. She doesn't feel pity. She feels disgust. She wants a MAN not a jelly fish.
Man I say this with all the support in the world because I think you can really take control here and see some big improvements.
Disclaimer: This post was not written by a DB professional and includes several 2x4's!
My W and I are trying to work out this D in a civilized manner. She has an A and I am going without one. We talked over the weekend about the asset allocation. Even though she's getting all of our liquid assets, i am not gonna fight on that. That's fine by me. The goal being that once we agree on all the things, then her A will draw up a new petition and both will sign off on it. No trial no mediation. Some kind of speed divorce i guess. That's how W wants and i had no intention of taking this to the court. I felt that i could reason with my W i've been married for 11 years, especially when we both know that we need to be friends at-least. I don't want my daughter to ever feel that her parents duked it out in courts.
Now in the divorce petition that my W filed, there's a clause that says that i need to see a counselor regularly if i need to get my daughter over to my place. I am not sure how this gonna be enforced. My wife tells me that she has no intention of getting a social worker monitoring this. I guess she wants access to the therapist so she can inquire about my progress. Now if i chose to give her sole custody of our daughter then she said that there won't be any therapist clause in the petition.
I do have a history of taking decisions that would please my W. Looks like even in divorce, my heart keeps telling me to do things to please her.
For myself, yup I am already going to meetup groups and other help groups and am also planning to go a good counselor. One part of me tells me that i need to do that for myself. The other says that if i do see the counselor and give my wife the access to my counselor, then she might notice that I am working on bettering myself and might decide to give another try on the M. I know that i am going back to my old ways on pleasing my wife. I guess that's gotta be my 180: Do things for self, not for others...
would love your feedback.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I wanted to wait for someone else to weigh in on this before I kept going.
Karma, I am going to take a wild guess here and tell you what I think your W would find extremely sexy and hard to resist based on the way you describe her and describe yourself.
A little bit of me in you!
You need to grab the bull by the horns here and STAND for what you believe. Based on what you wrote I fail to see that your depression is based on an actual diagnosis. Therefore who exactly is your W to give you the options as to how you are going to see your D?
Look DB is about doing the 180's and validating but in your case the 180 includes finding your stones and manning up. I hope you don't take this the wrong way I am only going based on your description and the reaction your W has when you appear to be some hurt wounded animal. She doesn't feel pity. She feels disgust. She wants a MAN not a jelly fish.
Man I say this with all the support in the world because I think you can really take control here and see some big improvements.
Disclaimer: This post was not written by a DB professional and includes several 2x4's!
2Step, I agree with you 100%. I am happy to have B.I.T.S like you give good advice.
Honestly i think what caused our marriage to end is my failure to man up in our relationship. My W talks about my depression and it as a reason to leave this marriage. I always had a bad habit of doing things to please my wife, not knowing if it would be possible for me to do those things. By nature i am lil anxious and panicky person. On the plus side I am always ahead of things that need to get done. Minus side i do look for emotional comfort in my W. During our 11 years she always tried to get me rid of those attributes. I thought that i could. But i kept trying and i kept failing. I guess for 11 years she just kept hoping that i would ultimately change. And then she finally gave up. Sad part is that for 11 years i too kept thinking that I could completely change some my fundamental attributes and become a 'new' man. Somehow in 2010, i kept fearing that i might never change and my W might have to just accept these in me. When we had a conversation last week, she told me that she could never accept me as 'me'. So thats why she had to leave.
I know that i am trying to keep my spirits up by thinking that might be now i will finally change. But i doubt it. But i'll keep fighting to improve myself. I have nothing else to do or lose right now...
Man i should have known about the DB'in 1 year into our marriage
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
