Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

At this point, I have eliminated all need and desire to snoop based on suggestions here.

I have only recorded one conversation, and that was when I told my wife that I knew about the affair. At the time, my father was very worried how she would take it if I prevented my S from leaving the house if she was bailing to OW. He feared physical violence, or even a chance that she would call the police to say that I physically assaulted her which would have thrown me in jail. I just wanted that conversation recorded just in case the worse were to happen. It did not go that way, and I have not recorded anything since.

I have also uninstalled any kind of keyloggers on our computers. If I am to stop snooping and detach myself from my desire to find truths, I don't want these to be a part in my life. Her feeling safe to return to our home (even during the day while I am not there) is much more important to me right now.

I have been to her brother's apartment. It is small. His girlfriend is nice but very loud (not the kind of behavior when you have a sleeping baby close by). she has little access to anything. Sleeps on an air mattress. Has to move the baby's portable crib back and forth between the office and living room. Just not a good situation.

I welcomed her back into our home, so she can have access and comfort in the home we made together. It is not that I am rushing her to move back in, but I do want to show her and allow her to have good memories as she walks around the house. It is a very positive home.

The safety issue has to go, and I wrote her a very nice letter yesterday that not only provided all of my honest intentions of where i am today but also try to eliminate some of the fears she has to come home. my letter may have been to honest, but in the end, i want her to understand that i am not here to hurt or manipulate her, i am ignoring the renegade advice coming from my family,and my sole intention is to act on my character and fight the fight of my life to save our marriage. the negative aspects she fears will not coexist with my intentions. she sent me a text ad thanked me for the letter. she said she appreciated it.

had my son last night solo. went well. returned him to her on my way to work.

W asked yesterday if i was working from home. i told her that i would go to the office if she wanted to come and spend some time at the house. she said she did, so i took that as a positive sign.

in general, i am feeling pretty good right now. couples therapy tonight. i am sure we will spend half the time talking about co-parenting. the other needs to concern us, but i have no idea where that will go or how i should approach it. it is still very early. i wanted to bring up my wish to speak with her parents, but you guys have talked me out of that. patience is key.

any positive words as far as the decisions i am making? any bad decisions that i have made that i am not aware of? any ideas of how i should approach couples therapy tonight?

Think in the new you Sparks....

Not the old one.

Seems to be a better perspective from there.





Do you trust the therapist ?

I am pretty sure I do. We have only met her a few times, but she has been pretty positive. Even when I called her and spoke to her on the phone to tell her my wife agreed to therapy, we talked for a bit about where I was in my decision making and how I felt. I told her everything that you guys know as far as my attitude and path. She was one of the people that applauded my attitude during a time where the opposite could come out. She understands that I love my wife and working to save my marriage. My wife might not be in the corner yet with me, but I hope this communication could eventually get there.

My wife was actually a little concerned before our first session since the affair news last week. She was afraid that I already built a relationship with this therapist and we were going to team up on her. The therapist put my wife's mind at ease several times in our session by simply telling my wife exactly what I had told my therapist about my intentions. The therapist couldn't have handled it better, and my wife warmed up to the thought of having a safe place for us to discuss our relationship as well as the relationship with our son.

So in a nutshell, yes. I do trust our couples therapist.

Do I trust her personal therapist? Now that is a whole other topic of discussion.

Then the only thing I can say is to trust that they will do their job...

Stay out of the way and let them work...

Thanks, Mach. I agree. It's just taking every last bit of patience that I have to not present the speaking with the therapist. I will trust you guys. My therapist also told me last night to take my time with that one. I don't want to start burning bridges.

Sorry.. meant to say it is taking my patience to present my desire to talk to her parents. (too late to edit)

Another thing Sparks...

Leave your expectations at the door.

Do not expect too much too soon with her. This may take a good while to sort out since her main problems seem to be sexual orientation.

The therapist should keep that in focus. If not, there may be things said that have no credibility for you, yet present blame to you.

Own the things you need to own, and listen and validate the ones you do not own.

Don't try to defend yourself too much, and remember...

Whatever she says....

Those are her feelings, and her truths....

You cannot change that through words, only consistent actions that match your words...

The best therapy sessions seem to be the ones that "hurt" the most walking out....

Thanks, Mach. Good points. I expect this to be a long road ahead. Patience is a virtue that I typically hold. I just hope it is one my wife is ready for as well.

[quote=sparks14 I expect this to be a long road ahead. Patience is a virtue that I typically hold. I just hope it is one my wife is ready for as well. [/quote]

Sparks,

Right now, please, listen to Mach.

As I said to you before, you and your W are in different places right now.

She is trying to figure herself out right now. She needs to do that before she can really work on figuring out the M or even if she wants to figure out the M.

Go, listen, validate, have patience, and don't worry about whether your W has patience or not.

Given the room, she will come to her choices in her time.

And hopefully, your patience will allow you to be there for her in the end if she decides that is what she wants as well.

Sparks,

Right now, please, listen to Mach.

As I said to you before, you and your W are in different places right now.

She is trying to figure herself out right now. She needs to do that before she can really work on figuring out the M or even if she wants to figure out the M.

Go, listen, validate, have patience, and don't worry about whether your W has patience or not.

Given the room, she will come to her choices in her time.

And hopefully, your patience will allow you to be there for her in the end if she decides that is what she wants as well.

[/quote]

Thanks, cat, Patience is key. I completely agree. I am not going to try and force anything through in this session. As devastating as everything has been, it really only has been a few weeks since this was all brought out. This is only our second couples therapy session since.

Now my wife is a different story. The affair went on for 10 months. She went to her own therapist for six of those months specifically to address her sexuality and how to tell me and her parents. To me, she has had plenty of time to become "unconfused". That is me just rushing to judgment, though. Who knows? This confusion inside her could take years to figure out. I also need to understand that I have no impact on that and will never be able to make that decision for her.

I just hope that this isn't a part of the master plan that the OW created back in September. The dreaded time line that was deviously planned to out me and her husband and live a life forever together. It could be, but I need to believe it is not and give my wife my best and proceed with what she is allowing me to do.