Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shine on you crazy diamond...

Take a bow my friend these are the small victories we hear about, a lesser man would not have recognized them.

Faux plane tickets...gotta remember that one LOL!

Yes! Very astute interpretation of her actions there! What's important is how you received, perceived and acted on this moment. I think you are well detached now and that's a real good thing.

Kudo's on the wedding decision too. I think its the right move all around.

Yes, I really like the travel idea.

The only thing I still see as an issue is that you (like all of us) are reading too much into what she is doing.

I think it's been said before, but you said it right off the top. "She thought the the mail was important", seems reasonable and unless she wants to be really vindictive I cannot imagine she would want you to be late on bill payments.

I think the way you handled the situation was fantastic, but I think there should be less analyzing of motives.

I wonder when she will contact you next and for what?

BITS
SIC

FOBD - I've read your post a few times because your synopsis of the sitch resonated with me. I am feeling low again today but after I read your post, you put things in better perspective for me. Especially with your view in points 2, 3 & 5.

Point 2 confirms what I've been saying and lost sight of which is when the LBS is out of the picture more and more, the WAS can't blame you for stuff anymore like they used to. It's like you said they are losing control over the situation and will have start facing their very disillusioned lifestyle that the grass is greener.

You gave me a reminder reality check today that I too am a DB'g prof. I am making healthier decisions and choices. Our WAS are stuck.

Thanks FOBD - that was the boost I needed.

Kudos to you btw all across the board - the Mexico thing - nothing short of brilliant!

FOBD, I too have to thank you as well.

Like zen, I've been feeling down for days and while reading the first half of your post I felt very defeated on your behalf, as it was mirroring the way I've been feeling, however; you were able to do something I've not been capable of thus far. You were able to read into all your W's acts and understand the underlying meaning behind them.

I've been struggling with practicing the DB techniques, but this gives me hope that I too will some day not cry at every horrible things my H does and says and understand that 'he does this because...'

I LOVE the travel brochure plant !! awesome ! I too have been having some fun in the 'make him think' department. I let my H stay at the house during Christmas to watch the cats as I would be out of town anyway. Before I left, I bought all new sexy lingerie and organized my personal dresser drawers.. I had a sneaking suspicion that he would go snooping.. and he did !! I WANTED him to think a) who did i buy the lingerie for ? and b) I wanted him to picture me IN the lingerie as over the past few months of our separation I've been working out, lost weight and look better now than I did when we got married.. lol

FOBD,

I have read through your sitch. I think you have a good grasp on DB principals, but I am wondering what your goal actually is...

Do you really feel the principals of DB in your core?

Do you believe in the changes that you are making and that you need to make them, in order to become a better person?

OR...

Do you see them as a way to get one over on your wife?

To get the upper hand in a crappy situation?

Personally, I see it as the latter...

You are using the techniques correctly and getting results but I don't believe for one second that if she were to come back, that it would really be different...

Other than you have DB techniques in your pocket and can control the situation better...

You use words and phrases like "a shot over the bow", "warning", "permission", "allowed" and the list goes on...

You have a sense of superiority to your W because of DB, that comes through in your posts, so it probably comes through to her as well.

DB, are techniques to help you save your M. I won't disagree with that.

More importantly, they are a way to help you improve you. So that you will be a better person. Someone that your W or any other woman will want to be with.

It isn't something to do to simply win...

because this isn't a game...

it is your life.

FOBD ....... you are a straight up DB NINJA!!

Being calm ..... noticing things but not losing your poker face ..... validating ..... not begging or fighting .... and then .. the piece de resistance ....... THE BROCHURES. HAHAHAHA. You are the MAN. Are you feeling the groove of this?

BTW, you did the right thing to let the people getting married decide who to invite.

You're doing all the right things as far as I can tell. And, whether you and W reconcile at some point or not ... you are going to be in a better place.

You're my hero today man.

BITS always walk together. I have your back, FOBD.

Hey FOBD,
It’s so great to see you in such a happy place! All of your points are valid. I swear, for the life of me, I just don’t understand this address thing. Maybe for control, but really what control? It’s not like you couldn’t figure it out if you really wanted to. I haven’t asked my H for his address, maybe I should to test this thing out. There’s more than one of you who says that your spouses won’t give you their freaking address and the whole thing is beyond bizarre to me.

Of course she still cares! She is just really attached to the games right now. And a word of caution, don’t play games back. I know it feels good (heck, I’ve done it and it feels great), but it backfires quickly. There are so many great things that you are doing in your life that you don’t need to worry about games with her. Let her play and you concentrate on YOU.

A part of your post kind of depressed me. I thought that my H and I were through the button pushing stage. Are you saying that it happens again? Not sure I can handle that as well as you did. I think that you did such a great job with that!!!!

You are doing such a great job and I am so proud of you! Hopefully, you can hold me up as I move through the jungle of separation. I'm especially proud about what you did for the wedding. It was the right choice, in my opinion and I know how hard that was for you! Take care of yourself and I am praying for you!
LIS

FOBD, I'm so proud of you for not engaging her when she was doing what she was doing. Spot on!

The hard part is next. Don't read into anything now. I like what you were thinking and you may be right but let me warn you to drop the thoughts. It made you feel better but continue to GAL for yourself! - not her.

If you continue your path of GAL, she will do more of what you saw the other day. She may try to drag you into fights so she can either win or show you that you haven't changed. She's just DYING to say, "See? You haven't changed." Don't get sucked into it.

Another word of caution. Careful with the games. She is playing them for sure but don't start any. To me (to be the party pooper), the Mexico pamphlets felt like a game. Like I said earlier, GAL for you not her. If you were indeed going to Mexico and "happened" to leave them out that great!

Just don't do it to get something out of her because it could backfire for sure.

This is where the rubber hits the road, dude. You've had a success. Keep on that train!

Team, thanks for all the great input on my latest interaction with my WAS. I had a wonderful time reading them and I am so glad that I was able to bring some joy to others lives.

I do however want to address a couple of things that were posted:

Denver, I find the "Frank the Tank" reference hilarious!!! Yes, unfortunately, that is me to a tee. But, for one night in March, I am going to have to shed that persona for my little brother's sake!

Lost, yes, unfortunately, the button pushing does continue. Mostly, right now, it is the W trying to push mine and me trying not to react. Sorry for the bad news.

As for the brochures for the trip to Mexico, I would like to clear something up. These were not fake or brought into the house for a scam. I have a group of friends that are going and are begging me to go with them. And, yes, I did leave them out on purpose with some flight numbers scribbled on the front. I was seriously considering this trip. But, I have decided not to go for one very important reason. There were going to be other singles on this trip. The last thing I need to do right now is jet off to Mexico, get completely blasted on tequila due to depression and end up in bed with someone else. And, yes, that could happen when you mix, singles, alcohol, depression and warm beach breezes. Not to mention, I would be furious if my W went on such a trip when we are in such a bad place in our marriage. Let us not forget that this is how her EA started back in October. So, out of respect for her and my marriage, I will just stay home and go to a museum or something with a friend or two. I still love her dearly and want her back. Mexico with a bunch of other single people is no place to be for a married man who wants his wife back...

Cat, I really want to address your post the most. I want you to know that I really took your response to heart. You do pose some very good questions and I respect your candor. So, please understand that I am replying out of respect and not to argue.

I come here to post whenever I feel the need. Unfortunately, sometimes when I come here I am angry and this shows in my posts. It seems to be those times when I use the unhealthy words that you detailed. And, you are correct, a healthy marriage should not include these phrases and terms. It is just that I have tried and tried over the past couple of weeks to make my wife understand that she does not have to act like an *ss to me anymore. I realize she felt this was necessary in the beginning. She wanted to punish me for my past behavior and I understand why. But, her latest actions are really unnecessary, unwanted, and frankly, disrespectful to a man that once threw his own body over hers at a very dangerous time a few years back. What you read last night was simply me celebrating the fact that I didn't rip her a new *ss for continuing to act like an *ss.

You must understand, I am trying to kill the old "bad husband me" but he is a tough S.O.B. to kill. You must know, six months ago, I would have torn into her for her behavior last night and then asked her to leave the house. But, I don't want to be that guy anymore. If last night came off as gloating, I am sorry. I was just happy that I was able to take her punches, protect myself and then not return the favor. It has taken me weeks to get to a point where I can do this and feel OK about it.

Just to clarify for you, my goal is to save my marriage. I am seeing a personal counselor on the side to work on many of my bad habits. My post last night was just to let folks know that I feel good about what I have learned and to lift some spirits. But, I do appreciate your post and I do want you to know that it did make me think about my actions. I do respect your opinion and I will take it into account going forward. Please feel free to continue to monitor my post and send your input.

Thanks for your input and take care!

Team, I have to check on my other BITS!!!

FOBD