Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

Oh puh-leeeze ... you read ONE without coffee, buddy I wrote them all ... all 5 of them ... without any!

SC,

Welcome to the best worst-place-to-be. As I read through your posts I started to formulate my response and then got to Cat's and realized she said almost everything I intended to.

My H had a list too, and it was very, very similar to the one your H spewed. When you talk about it though I see some rationalizations ... and I recognize it because I did it too. Now, if you feel like reading (and no it's not light reading, I DID earn my long winded reputation!) I will attach my current thread which contains links on the first page back through all of what I've written since I got here. You shouldn't have any trouble ... Mach just hates it when I use big words ... like rationalizations and validation

The two points that Cat hit on that also really stood out to me are as follows:



No one is saying give up who you are, but really look for that sting and look at it from your H's perspective.

and ...



Oh Cat ... I felt exactly the same way when I read that! SC ... do NOT settle. I too hope you want more for yourself than that ... and more for your children too!

Oh, and as promised ... PEI's current thread

Peace
PEI

No I totally realise that many of my characteristics my H does not see positively. As I stated, he makes me sound like someone I wouldn't want to be married to either. Ogre woman, hear me roar! I have looked at his complaints and observations.

I haven't exactly been sitting on my hands doing nothing all this time. I put forth, and am continuing to put forth, honest and genuine effort and made real change. Change he admits to seeing in me.

Cat04, I didn't know he felt this way until he wrote a 6 page email. He has said little at all because he is conflict avoidant. That email was the most difficult thing he ever wrote in my estimation. I know he was in tremendous emotional pain to leave, and to write that.

Right now he takes even conciliatory words and gestures as a personal dig against his character. There is an example in one of my other posts.

I never wanted to emasculate him, I didn't know I was doing it! I was just doing what needed doing in my estimate.

I got my emotional needs met by friends and family. Mostly because computer games, TV and reading held more interest than I did to him, and he was usually "tired".

I did try to get him to share activities, and get away with just me. His judgement on my efforts was too little, too late.

From my perspective he totally relied on me to carry the relationship, take care of the kids, home, and make the arrangements to go out and book the sitters. Seldom did he make any effort in that regard, and he acknowledged that.

I have never been unfeminine in my appearance or demeanor. I am however very left brained.

I have been very duty oriented from childhood. My fun is not his fun, clearly. Computer games are certainly not fun to me.

I wasn't content...far from. I was resigned and accepted that this is the way he was and this is the way things would be between us.

Content = Enough. At peace and comfortable

I am working on choosing happiness for myself. I have a lot of twisted trauma programming to work through and rewire for that to happen yet.

Hiya SC.

I've been around awhile and my reputation is one of a soft touch. I try to get my point across gently. But I am not above laying it on the line when I have to.

So, here goes.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Here's the thing. You have to have the mindset that you are doing all this first and foremost for you because dbing is a way to live your life. And somtimes a marriage also gets saved.

So, with that mindset, it's important to first look way inside. I understand you are in a program to address your issues. And that's great.

But on a much simpler scale, take a look at what your h wrote. Now you can put a positive spin on it if you want and that's ok. But in doing that, you arent really hearing what he is trying to tell you.

Listen, it's hard to hear how they feel. But, if you take it and use it to propel you forward on your journey, well, then it's a good thing.

So, do some real soulsearching. Dig in deep. It's hard but so worth it.

Ok, now a little tap. I hear, in your post, a little bit of annoyance on your part regarding what he wrote. Now, dont get me wrong, your reaction is normal.

But, if you want to really have the best shot at saving your marriage and more importantly, finding yourself, you have to put your ego on the backburner and get ready to get your hands dirty.

Figure out what kind of person you want to be. What characteristics and traits you want to have. And each day,be that person.

Put your marriage safely in a box and put it on a shelf.

And do not worry about what he is thinking or doing. Put the focus on you and your kids.

And SC, reach for the stars. Try to get to real happiness and fulfillment without regard to your h.

Ok, now, get to gettin".

I understand that completely. Initially I started my program and DBing to help my marriage, that's true.
I am now in the second year of my program and actively trying to DB. I now know it was about my dysfunctional thinking/ behaviour/reactions and how we flip each other's levers and sprial downward where we both feel hurt and abused.

I am also am coming to the conclusion my marriage is not salvagable. I am not hopeful at the outcome. Not with all the resentment and grudges my H harbours toward me, and what posters are indicating here. Frankly I feel like just throwing up my hands and saying F*ck it every other day, it seems that hopeless.



Ok then please tell me what I'm missing. Because frankly what I hear is and yes it's MY interpretation of what he wrote:
" You're to blame. This is all your own darned fault and I just absolutely had to leave. I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt trapped.
You are a horrible individual, you go out of your way to hurt me, are difficult to live with, a ball breaker, unkind, aggressive, control freak, inflexible, Mussolini, masculine woman that has about as much sex appeal as an ironing board. I dislike you, and what you do. I fear you. You diminish me and devalue me. You treat me like a child. You're about as much fun as a boil on the butt. I reject you, I reject you, I reject you. Goodbye Toots"



That's not annoyance, that's raw pain.



I already have. Calm, serene, confident and assertive with good boundaries. Someone who is already much as I am but in control of her emotions and behaviour. A someone whose buttons can't be easily pushed, a person slow to anger and can choose how to react, not just react unthinkingly on autopilot. Someone not co-dependant. Someone not so divided that she either falls apart emotionally or has to switch to someone purely analytical ad unemotional to cope with life.

My marriage is dead. I know that. What was is gone. What is to be? I have no clue. But given he's been gone 16 months now, I suspect he is truly finished with me. Look I'm 49 years old. Statistically my chances are not good not for this relationship, not to gain a new one.



I can see them, but my arms are too short at the moment, and I don't remember carefree or happy.

Thanks for the resources, I will look at them as I have the time. So far the thread that contains the MLC for Dummies ...oy, seems to fit. Crap.

SC, I dont know what is to become of your marriage. Really, I dont.

But I do know what can happen for you, if you let it.

Most of what your h says, in some form or another, we have all heard.
If he is in a MLC, this is par for the course. His memories are all skewed. He's unhappy and doesnt know why. So, he is going to blame the person closest to him.

It cant be him, so it must be you. They rewrite history. MOST of what they say is untrue.

But, if you read between the lines, you might be able to see some stuff that rings true.

Maybe he didnt want you to take care of everything. Maybe he didnt want you to be so in control. I wasnt there, so I dont know.

What I do know is that the complaints my h had about me had elements of truths in them.

So, I had to figure out what I wanted to take from that and change those things for me. I had to see what things needed to be addressed. And it wasnt easy.

Look, there have been marriages where the MLCer moved thousands of miles away for years, and others where the MLCer was horrendous to the spouse and the marriages were restored.

It is up to you to decide if you want to try. And if you do, maybe your marriage wont be saved. But I promise you this, you will not regret it if you take this journey.

It will be hard. You will be pushed and challenged. You will get angry and sad and everything in between. But, oh, how you'll grow!

If you're in, strap your seatbelt on, cuz its gonna be a bumpy ride.

If you're in, you will meet some of the most incredible, compassionate, intelligent, loyal people in the world.

If you're in you will be forever changed.
.
So, the ball is in your court. Are you in or out?

I can't answer if I'm in or out. Not now. One day I'm confident and hopeful the other day not, and yes I know a lot of that is self generated by my thoughts.

If this is a MLC, it started 10 years ago, and I don't know I can stick out another 10 years of this garbage and his dissatifaction.

At this moment, my instincts tell me to cut my losses and forget him and the 26 years we spent together. Burn it all, start fresh and completely remove myself from his access. New location, new home, change my number, change my name and go underground. That's what my instincts tell me. Reality is a different animal.

I have worth and value and if he can't see it, then perhaps someone else would be thrilled to be around me, have me as a partner, and actually like me just as I am for who I am NOW.

I won't have to be the one that has to continually change to keep a relationship functioning, turning myself inside out every time he decides that the relationship, or I'm not good enough for him.

Many of my friends and family feel I have done all I can and there is no more left to do. Some have flat out told me in their opinion he stabbed me in the back and twisted the knife too.

In my view, he certainly doesn't value our relationship,and is quite willing to let our children suffer ( they are 9&13). "They'll adapt.", he and his counselor say. "Kids are resiliant."

As for me; my perception is that for him, I'm just the mother of his kids, nothing more.

S_C,

You have stayed on my mind this evening.

I hope you are still reading and I hope you will continue posting.

Not so that people will pick on you (although it does feel like that sometimes) and not so that you will lose hope for your M.

Hope exists as long as you want it to exist.

Over here, we recognize that this is a very long road, this monster we call MLC.

Most of us read MLC for Dummies and said the same thing you did. Crap.

It isn't impossible, there are success stories of restored marriages.

There are also success stories of restored people. Regardless of the outcome of the marriage.

We have made all of the mistakes and then some. We all looked for that "Magic Pill" that was going to make things different.

It sounds to me that in many ways, you aren't totally looking for the magic pill to fix yourself, because you are doing hard work. However, here, we will always ask you to dig deeper. Just like we ask ourselves to dig deeper. Although maybe you are looking for one for your M.

No one can tell you what the outcome of your M will be. That just isn't possible.

It depends on you, on him. On what time the sunsets in the east. And it depends on none of those things. MLC is not logical. Dealing with a MLCer is not logical.

We focus on the only thing that we can focus on here. And that is us, the LBS.

You don't remember carefree and happy...

Maybe we should begin to try to figure out what that looks like...

I remember the days when I said that. My God, I was so serious about everything and it had been so long...

Now, it surrounds me every day...a perfect example was tonight and a conversation I had with goofy BF.

BF: what did you make for dinner?

Me: Take and bake pizza.

BF: what is shake and bake pizza?

Me: not shake and bake, TAKE and bake. You need a hearing aid. (laughing by this point)

BF: What? (pretending he didn't hear me)

This went on for a while, back and forth, take and bake, no shake and bake, no take and bake, and we hung up the phone as I was rolling on the floor with laughter.

About three hours later...

BF: How was the pizza?

Me: The Walmart pizza was good. They are always good.

BF: OH! It is "take and bake" pizza, not "shake and bake" you twit! (laughing and totally kidding of course, he knew all along.)

Me: (banging head against the wall and laughing my guts out)Why me? (more to the air than to anyone else)

BF: You're blond...(sigh)

It was a stupid conversation, one that I would have totally taken the wrong way years ago. Now one that made me almost pee my pants because I was laughing so hard.

It was also a conversation that had no merit, other than fun. That is typical of my relationships with people now. Not that they can't get serious, they can and do, but I don't take myself so seriously anymore (some people here won't believe that but they didn't know me before).

So, SC, what brings you even a little bit of joy?

Well maybe we ought to define what joy is. Joy is an exhuberant, big thing for me. Everything seems brighter, sharper, more defined. You feel your heart and your being expand, you smile easily, you feel weightless, free.

Don't get me wrong, I can take pleasure in little things, I laugh at silly exchanges like the one you describe. I do smile easily.
Simple things like a hot bath give me that "ahhhh! I needed this, relaxed" feeling. I enjoy what life can offer me and I do take time to care for myself. You know - massage ( because I need touch) pedicures/manicures, treating myself to premium chocolate once in a while. Doing a physical activity with my kids or nephew. Taking a girls night out ( there have been no other types of "nights out" for me.) Taking a nap if I need to and the time alone is there.

Joy though...elusive for me anyway and to be truthful last time I felt that way was when my children were born.

Scylla

I understand where you are.

The idea of having to "put up" with our selfish, self absorbed, centered spouses.

It is only a sacrifice if you look at it that way.

If you suffer from it. And you will if you look at it as something they are doing TO you.



What guarantee do you have of that? You chose your H and you lived with him all these years.

What makes you think you would make a different choice today?

First. I am not making excuses for H's behavior.

Or anyone's. But it is their choice. Your choice is how you let it affect you.

You can be a victim, you can be the retaliator, you can be one who runs away.

Or

You be who you want to be in spite of what others choose.

Which one do you have control over?

So your M. It sukcs right now.

When you got married on that day so long ago did you say:

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life, in sickeness and health....


BUT


if you get scared and lose your way. If you get so scared you run away...

I won't."

?

Those were your words. Only you can live them and it is time to decide what they mean to you

And

If you will let another compromise what you believe and how to express that by living your own truth.

Tough stuff here Scylla. This isn't for the willy nilly folk to endeavor.

What are you prepared to do if you are not assured your M can be saved?

This is all about you Scylla. You choose for you.