Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I have done everything wrong....

What should I do between now and Monday/Tuesday night when she comes over for more items and to discuss our bills.

As far as me doing things that I have wanted to do I have a problem. I need to double my income to pay the bills and will have to try to work nearly everyday. It doesn't leave much time. I chose to stay in our house bc I was not going to be the one who left our marriage. I will tough it out.

I woke up today to an extremely empty house, you know how it sounds empty when you move around or close a door. Depressing to say the least. And I say woke up, but it was more or less laying in bed thinking about how much this [censored].

Every once in a while I find some strength to control my thoughts and I tell myself that I can do this and I will be ok. Not very often does this happen. I find it so hard to not think about everything I just lost, and how 6 months ago I had everything and did not know it was slowly slipping away. That is the hardest part for me, knowning it did not have to be this way. I did not have to be here right now.

I am reading my bible every day, as well as the purpose driven life. I am trying to put all of my faith in God and know that what ever happens was meant to be. It doesn't take the pain away, and I don't believe that it should.

We exchanged several text messages today about our kids and some property she took that I wanted back. I was strong and just kept to the issues. She said she would have my SD call me when she left this morning. It did not happen. I wanted to call or text but did not.

I still don't know what to do about Tuesday. She said she was sorry for leaving the house a mess and was going to help me put it together when she gets more of her stuff. I know what I need to do, but I am afraid I am going to talk about R.

Do nothing. Go dark. I'm not saying this is always the way you should be, but for now, your frame of mind is too geared toward melting down and telling her you miss her, love her, don't want her to move out, etc....all the things she doesn't want to repsond to. Use this time to calm yourself, not repeat more of the same that has not worked.

When Monday/Tuesday comes around, you need to conduct your bill discussion in a calm, confident manner. This is an important discussion, a first things first kind of discussion. Do as best you can to not let your emotions get in the way of good sense here, you can easily do one of two things, both of which are bad. You can try to be the nice guy and end up stretching yourself too thin by offering or accepting to take care of more bills than you can afford. You can also be panicked/angry and try to not work out anything amicable, which is not good either. It would behoove both of you to tackle the bills as a team, and work out something you can both manage. I know that may sound much easier said than done, but you gotta try.

Maybe you can't do much for YOU right now, so don't feel presured to do so...just take whatever opportunity you can to do so. I wish you luck.

Islander,

Sadly, I have been in the very same boat as you. Sadly, still am. But, when H left the house in 2006 it was aweful. I too needed additional income to afford the house. However, I had already been in the works to transfer across state. In the beginning, I did not want to leave the house either. But, I could not afford it and I could not afford the stress it was causing. So, I put it on the market and let it go...it was SUPER HARD to do. H cried when I took the Realtor papers to him to sign. But, that empty house became a nightmare for me. It made things worse for me...it was too big and I was scared all the time and etc. It was no longer my dream home anymore...

I know the stage your in now. That is not a option now. You cant even think about that. But, if you start feeling like the house is becoming to depressing you could rent it out and get a apt or something. Just a suggestion.

As for when it comes time to discuss the bills. Its gonna be real hard..it was for me too. I cant hardly recall it now..cause, I was still in a state of shock. But, I knew I couldnt afford everything. So, I did say to H, that these bills are still his responsibility rather he lives here or not 50/50.

You are down right now, they know this and sadly dont really care because its all about them. So, you have to look out for you even if you feel like you should be taking care of her. I know I say this....when I was so bad at doing it myself. It doesnt mean you dont love her and dont want her. It means that she is not on your side right now...you and GOD are.

Im glad your reading your bible too. I do too, Ive been trying to find the right C for me. I attend church, in choir and am trying to surround myself w/peaceful GOD fearing folks.

I understand your pain and I know you look back and are beating yourself up. I do too. But, GOD has already forgiven us. So, have to forgive yourself for your part. The good news is YOU will never make those mistakes again.

Keep working on yourself and refrain for the pleading and etc. Trust me it NEVER works...they dont care, it make them feel worse, which makes her stay away even more.

If when yall are doing the bills you feel your fixing to get real emotional. Excuse yourself and go the restroom away from her. Pray for GOD to give you the right words and to calm you. Then go back out and finish up with her.

Im praying for you...Good luck

Thanks for all your advice. My wides XH just called and we spoke for 2 hours. We have a decent relationship. He said he was waiting for the right time to contact me bc he said he knew we were having problems but did not want to pry until he knew for sure what was going on.

My W dropped off my SD with him today and when they spoke, she admitted to having a limited PA with somebody. (I cleared that up for him, there were no limits). He told me that my W said she had taken my SD, his D, to see Christmas lights with him and his young baby, and that she was looking into buying a house. W had told me before that OM wanted to buy a house with her but tha she did not want to make that commitment. (is my W crazy.....yes....she has a mortgage with me and probably under and credit card debt...she was the primary on our loan....and OM owns a house with his wife....what world is she living in.)

I wanted to pick up the phone so bad and call her out or text her that she is a lying $&@!, but what good would that do. I know that I already knew that, I jet didn't always know what she was lying about. I did not call her, and I don't think I will let her know that I know either. Probably would be bad for her XH and me as well.

I thought about confronting the OM W, but what good would that do. My W made her choices. I think the OM W knows anyway, but I don't know how much she knows.

I am just floored right now. How can the person that used to love me so much disregard our entire R. I feel like Trash that has been thrown out only to be replaced with trash. Pointless.

I think this will help me on Tuesday if I keep my cool. Right now I think I could. I guess I am just as crazy for wanting to be with someome who would do this to me.

She told her XH around Christmas that she could tell I had changed and it was helping???? I remember Christmas it was the worst I ever had.

Should I just have most of her stuff waiting by the door for her??? It is going to be so hard not to call her out on this. $&"@&$&@"

I need some serious help. All advice is welcome. I want to save my marriage but I am starting to feel I don't stand a chance. I know my W (or thought I did) and if she left I feel she isn't coming back. It would be a 180 for her to change her mind. Anybody else feel the same about there W.

Islander,

I was where you are (more or less, and more like more) about this time a year ago. You end up thinking there is NO way this could ever work out now, all is lost, that's it, sayonara, and oh god, what am I gonna do? It seems like you'll never feel better and everything just keeps snowballing on you. I can identify with the feeling very well, and in fact, of all the posts I've seen on here, your sitch is the most like mine was, though I never got into posting until way beyond where you are.

Things do get better, and beleive it or not they will with HER too down the road, as long as you keep the love in your heart and can forgive. This does NOT mean you openly express that right now or even in the near future, again the pursuing thing. The worst times are when you get a new shock, like what you found out today, and just want to do knee jerk reactive things like have all her stuff waiting by the door. You could show her such anger, but that will just make her feel worse and cause her to withdraw more, like dixie gal said above.

Best thing to do right now is go exercise or get out of your house or take a long walk, even if you're in a cold climate right now, and just let off some steam....safely. Don't project ultimate gloom and doom on this right now, just take one day at a time...it certainly feels like she isn't coming back but you don't know that. It just seems so far off your radar right now it seems that way. Let things take their course, don't assume you know the future.

Thanks. You are right about not packing the rest of her stuff for her. I am glad I did not contact her earlier to. I know I still love her with everyhing that I am, and that I forgive her too. I find I have to forgive her every day several times a day. Sometimes I hold it in for a while , but I know at the end o the day I would give anything for a chance to make things right with her. And that is only bc the sum total of our relationship was good, just not the last 9 months or so. Different W different sitch I might not be willing to do the same.

And you are dead right in your first paragraph. I feel there is no way that if my wife left that she is coming back. I have never known her to flip flop big decisions. Then she would have to admit she was wrong. I feel she thinks if would be easier to continue on this path and act lime she was happy than to put in some real work and actually find happiness.

I do feel as if things are snowballing and progressing to a point of no return in her mind. That is me reading her mind. Then she went out of town today and tomorrow for a trip with a group of people from work. OM is atleast included in the group or they went off together. Bad either way. again this is the most painful time in my entire life, and I know everybody understands that. I am desperately seeking answers that I know I ultimately have to find within myself.

Islander,

You have to not say ANYTHING about this news..I know..trust me! But, ask yourself what will happen after I go off on her about it??? Will it result in anything positive??? Ummmm....NO Then she is pisst at you and XH. Plus, she will be furious and have more reasons to stay away from you. Because, YALL were talking about her!!!

Your anger will clear out...but, she will hold onto that for sure!!!

So, go out and burn it up excercising...that's what I do... I can walk for miles when I'm real mad about all this mess.

But, 1st you gotta get control of your emotions when you see her. You have to do the 180. Be calm and friendly. She knows you best...so ya gotta let it go for now.

Blessings,