Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

Thanks, Bolt. Can you go into further detail about the detachment? Are you talking about how I feel like her moving out and closing off communication detachment? Can you clarify?

Thanks, man.

Man hang in there. I know how this feels. My W and I worked on our daughter's room for a week, making the whole room like fairy land. 2 weeks ago, W comes in and takes away everything and i mean everything in that room. That room just looks ghostly now. I too am attached to things and sentiments. I still cannot look at the room and so i closed the door and i dont open it at all. But i am trying to tell myself that heaven is where my family is and if i can get my family back then none of the material things matter to me at all.

My wife goes to her own therapy on Monday afternoons. I take a long lunch and take care of my baby during this time. She brings lunch home, and we usually just talk.

We started talking about how we should schedule the co-parenting split of nights this week with our S. Since couple's therapy is not until Tuesday, we need to get an idea about tonight and maybe even tomorrow.

She started to get a little defensive. I told her that I know how hard it is (didn't tell her how I almost broke down last night). She told me that I had no idea how much it hurts and how hard it is. She said that she is the one having to pump every few hours while he is with me. I asked her how she thought I felt all of the times when she would just take him away. This began to get a little heated. We have been trying to stay positive about co-parenting, but this was the first time either of us turned negative.

She then told me that she did not trust talking to me in our living room. She did not trust that I was not recording her conversation or somehow spying on her. Trust? It is almost as if she is turning the trust card on me. Was she not the one that lied to me for ten months? Was it not her that shattered my trust towards her? I feel like she is turning from victim to attacker. She then said that her therapist told her that she needed to be more careful when talking to me, becuase I could be gaining evidence to go after her. I told her that my main intention was saving our marriage. How else would I be acting so kind to her in the face of such betrayal.

I agreed that if she wanted to only talk about us in front of our couples therapist, I would agree for now. If that is what it takes to feel safe, I am up for it, because I need the honest communication. She then said something that I leave my iphone in the car (like I would use it to record our therapy sessions).

It just feels weird how I am taking the high road here as a victim, but she is trying to turn herself into the victim. I reminded her today that she was the one that made this awful mistake that has caused this pain. She cannot forget that. Sometimes I feel she truly does not have remorse. That old saying, "sorry that you did it, or sorry that you got caught?"

I guess I look at detachment as a phone. You know how you can get some phone services where you can only get incoming calls with no outgoing ones?

Detachment for me worked that way. I wouldn't text/call/email W at all unless it dealt with the kids. I wouldn't start conversations with her either. I took it another step further if she did start the convos. I would answer her questions but I wouldn't continue them. The answers would be short and to the point. I would even try to leave the room before the convo was over.

It basically showed to myself that I could get along without this woman if needed. It is NOT what I wanted but I had to listen to what she wanted.

She was hurt/felt betrayed and was basically numb to me. I was changing into a man she wanted me to be but she didn't think it was permanent. What she needed was time and space.

Detaching gave her both of those.

Here's how it worked with me.

By giving her time, she got a chance to figure things out. She saw I was changed and it seemed (seems) permanent. She then slowly let her walls come down and let her emotions, her TRUE emotions come out.

By giving her space - getting out of the house when she was around, letting her go on a weeklong trip - she got to see what life without me could be like.

Now thankfully, in my sitch, my wife hated the alternative. She was lonely and depressed to see what her life could be.

Had I not detached even previously, she may have wanted that life even more and been more blind to the fact that it was terrible. Because I gave her space/time, she saw and felt things.

Now she is slowly coming back.

What I would do about her moving out is - ONLY in the MC - say that it hurts you that she is moving out but you totally understand and support her decision. It's not what you want but you realize that she needs space and time to figure out what she wants to do.

And basically leave it at that. You are supporting her and agreeing with her - she may not see that coming and it could play to your benefit.

That also proves to her that you are changing not that you don't love her anymore but that you are giving her something that she feels that she needs. That's huge, dude.

make sense?

Setting your problems aside for a minute to think...

IF things were normal...

Would you go against her wishes ?




Whatever she has told them, no matter how much it eats you up to not know...

It is between them for now...

Look Sparks....what she tells them or anyone around her...those are her feelings, and her truth.

Doesn't really matter if they are true or not, they are how she feels.

So, if this love for her is what you say it is...how can you not respect her truths ?

I see you striving so hard to fix this with her instead of letting her figure this out on her own.

I hear you. I have been telling her that for the last seven weeks (including the six weeks previous to the discovery of the affair).

I tell her all of the time that I will remain patient while you are away and allow you to discover herself.

Before the discovery, it was to the OW's place that she was getting her space. At least now, it is at her brother's down the street.

I will bring it up tonight that I will continue to love and support her and remain patient.

I also need to get rid of this defense she is having about me acting kindly as some kind of mind game. I will talk about that in MC as well. My intentions are true. Maybe she is still in shock or maybe she simply does not care, but a consistent positive attitude towards her and ouw son can only does positive things.

I see your point. As a communicator, I am blind to the fact that no communication at all can be healthy. That is a tough pill for me to swallow.

I sense a lot of sit back and wait for things to happen approach. That is very difficult to do. I just need to sit back, take care of myself and the baby, and leave my wife alone to figure out her own problems. Much easier to write than to perform. Thanks, Mach

It IS hard to do....yet entirely necessary....


You didn't break her, you can't fix her.

The same goes for any relationship she has..

Parents, friends, your Son, whatever or whomever it may concern.



Patience my friend, this will come for you.

I'm piling on to what Mach said. It does go against our judgment to sit back and "not do anything." But she has to figure out her problems.

Her saying that you are spying on her...I don't know what to say about that. Sounds like she's projecting and is very defensive but I'm not qualified to give an opinion on that.

But then again, that's her problem, right?

Only if it's false....