Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

I wouldn't say to her that she can rely on you. That can come off wrong. What I mean is you aren't going against her or being a detriment. Does that make sense?

If you're negative or needy around her, that is a detriment. Be cheerful and pleasant. You don't have to get her coffee or anything like that but just be good.

Hope that helps...

Uh oh. She dropped off some pumped milk this morning at 6:15. I sent her back with a to-go cup of coffee.

For really the second time, I have had my son overnight. W dropped him off at 5:00 yesterday after I got off from work. I ran through his bedtime routine and all of the night wake ups (he still does not sleep through the night). I am taking care of him all day until 5:00 this evening. So far, so good.

I think W is having a hard time with it. Since she is still insistent to bring pumped breast milk over every few hours, it is pretty tough for her. She is not ready to switch to formula. I also think she is having a hard time with the time apart from our 5 month old S.

When she brought milk over an hour ago, I could see in her eyes that she had been crying. I of course told her that I could tell she had been upset and if there was anything I could do. She just gave me a simple "no... i'm ok".

Inside, I think that the co-parenting of our son will shed some light on her. We have only gotten a glimpse of how it can be. I am hopeful that she will see that this is not the life she wants to live. It is certainly not the life she envisioned. Not the life she envisioned even as recent as a little over a year ago when we decided that we wanted to have children.

I am hopeful that my actions will start to make an impact on her emotionally, and she decides that a family and home with me is more important than anything else.

I had a great 24 hours with my 5 month old S. Since my last post, we spent most of the day playing, feeding, and napping. I strapped on the Baby Bjorn and walked around the neighborhood with him facing out (straight out of the movie The Hangover if you have seen it).

I dropped my S back off with the W at her brother's apartment on my way to church. I cannot believe how hard that was. I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want to leave my W either.

I went to church, so I had a chance to pray for strength and guidance. I really needed that.

I thought I was going to be fine until I drove up to the empty house, and it has hit me all over again.

I tried calling the five members of my family just to talk. No answer from any of them. Really hurt right now.

Why did she do this to me? I am crushed inside!

Last night was a hard one for me. Very hard. It had nothing to do with a particular short term action or statement from the W. It was more of the long term ramification of where this could be headed.

The feeling of dropping off your child that you had spent the last 24 hours with on your own and then coming home to an empty home really hit me. It was not like coming to an an empty place of mine. This is our home. It has been put together with the love of two people. W W's things are here. The nursery that we made together is there.

I just have to stay patient.

W sees her own therapist this afternoon, so I will at least have my S for a few hours today. It is this therapist that scares me. Yes, it is the one that my wife said told her to stop all contact with other woman. It is also the same therapist that let it go on for six months while my W was figuring it out. It is almost as if she is protecting my wife and encouraging her to come out of the closet at the right time. But in the end, there is nothing I can do to impact their visits. Patience.

I can GAL. That needs to be me focus right now.

W and I have a couples therapy session on Tuesday (our second). One of the primary things that I want to approach is the issue with me contacting her parents.

My in-laws are very close to me. We have spent a ton of time together over the last five years, and I truly believe they love me as a son and the way that I treat their daughter and grandson. They would also be devastated. They are very conservative and would not approve an affair not would I think they would be very supportive of W's views towards women.

Since I exposed the affair, my W has been insistent that I not tell her parents. The day after I exposed to her, she said that she "told her parents everything". She said that they were extremely upset, would not talk to her, and then made the three hour drive down. (Some of this info may be written earlier in this topic).

My primary goal is to tell her parents that even though the affair has happened, I still love their daughter and will do everything in my power to save our marriage. I will never take their grandson away from them. If things end up for the worse, and their daughter finds that her sexual orientations do not include me, I have no intentions of being vindictive or seeking full custody. I in no way want to break communication with them but also understand that my W really needs them right now.

My wife's defense is that they are her parents. This is problem is between me and my wife. She needs time to patch up her relationship with her parents that she loves dearly. She is very afraid that they will take my side and team with me to change her. Wife just lots of emotions with her parents role in this, and my separation from them is key to her.

My wife tells me that her and her parents fear that me and my parents will fight for full custody of our son. I want to ensure them that this is far from the case. I want to prevent any idea of two sides acting in fear and making a pour decision due to a lack of communication.

At which point do I say enough is enough. I used to be in contact with my in-laws daily. It has now been two weeks. Is my wife telling them the whole story? If not, is this why she fears me contacting them?

Could really use your help here.

Any BITS out there? I'm really struggling right now. I don't want to sound so selfish, but I could really use the guidance. This site has provided me the best guidance I have yet to receive.

Is this in some way to alienate her ?

Are you thinking if you strike first that they will be on your side of things ?





Blood is thicker ya know...

If this is a fear for her, it comes from somewhere....

Your words ? Your actions ?

Some old argument you had in the past, when you made a comment out of anger ?






You can't fix this Sparks...you have to be pure in your actions, don't let your words overwrite those actions, and let the chips fall where they may....




Whatever she is saying, shouldn't change your path.

Back away contact for now unless it is related to your child...

Number one thing is that baby....

Let everything else go on the back burner for now....

Dude, I know all of this is super difficult but I think you are doing the right thing. There is no doubt that she is hurting too but believe me, by letting her figure it out on her own, you are doing the right thing.

As far as the in-laws, definitely bring it up in MC. BUT say that you simply miss talking to them. Reassure your wife that you won't say anything about the A. She will need that reassurance. It is up to her to tell them, not you - if you reiterate that to her, she will have more respect for you too.

The hard part in the MC will be the decision to say how you feel or remain detached. That's tough in those situations. I always felt safe in that environment TO say how I felt. The C is (or at least should be) a great mediator and not allow things to get out of hand - meaning that the C will be able to help you express how you feel AND help your W understand it in her language.

make sense?

Dude, I know it's hard but stay strong!

Mach - I take from your impression of thins that I should respect my wife's wishes and not speak to them at all.

I guess it just completely surprises me that if her parents knew the truth, they would have contacted me right now. I guess that is just the relationship that I have with them. Things just don't add up, and I worry what message is being discussed. I just want to set the correct positive message and let them take from it what they want.

What about an email? Tell them they shouldn't even feel obligated to respond, but I would be happy to simply talk to them.

I understand that my son is the most important piece to this right now. My wife and I are working hard with the co-parenting. I just feel that there have been so many lies from her. I have no idea what to believe. For all I know, she could have avoided all mention of the affair and told them that I hit her and she was seeking divorce. I have no idea. I just want to clear the air and provide some sort of positive communication. I don't wish to alienate my wife from her parents at all.