Read your posts. So sorry you are going through this. Wish I could offer some advice, but you've been getting some good advice already from others. There are some similarities in our situations - I've learned a lot the hard way over the past 5 years - if you want insight from my situation I'm happy to give it. I hope you are doing better this morning....
Got and read some of those book on adult children of alcoholics. Explains some of my situation. Also explains why wife would rather poke her eyes out than have a OR talk or, worse yet, a session with a therapist. Went back and read MWDs books afterwards and agree with Jack3Beans that the DBing should work for us - in fact it might really be the only approach that has a chance. Still very concerned about W and her boss. Things at our house are chaotic - spent the evening extracting a lego from youngest son's sinus cavity (have no idea how that happened! - and boss is making the workday fun, fun, fun.
Going to work on setting boundaries and not reacting to every up and down, staying busy. It's a bit out of my hands....
Can I ask you something about your situation, since ours are similar? If H had taken the lead and additional responsibility would you have felt relieved, or would it have been uncomfortable?
If he had taken the lead without explaining what he was doing and gaining my cooperation first I may have been unoomfortable, no doubt about it. It's hard to relenquish that control/responsibility that you've been expected and often REQUIRED to carry it all your life.
Especiallyif your won self worth is tied up in doing and completing tasks and how well they're performed.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Read your posts. So sorry you are going through this. Wish I could offer some advice, but you've been getting some good advice already from others. There are some similarities in our situations - I've learned a lot the hard way over the past 5 years - if you want insight from my situation I'm happy to give it. I hope you are doing better this morning....
Thank you for the well wishes. I'm doing ok. I hope you're the same if not better! I have a pretty predictable schedule of things I do regularly and the structure helps.
I'm sorry we're all struggling here. I have a very religious friend that says it's because the Devil hates marriage. She may have a point.
I would appreciate any insight you can give. My H's background with his H involves a lot of things... alcoholism, drug abuse, spouse abuse, chronic infidelity ( that the children involved in), constant moves, and finally my H's own H walked out when H and his siblings were under 10 , so there are abandonment issues in him too.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Sounds like your schedule keeps you fairly busy, and that helps. I find that it helps to keep moving forward also. Yes, I know. That's ironic, as it is the sort of coping mechanism my W, an ACOA, uses and I have complained about that. I find there's a lot of irony in my life these days.
I'm still new here and learning the lingo. Had some trouble following the part about your Hs background. Were some of those Hs supposed to be Fs perhaps?
I did go back and re-read your posts though. You've been through a lot. From your self-description I'm guessing that you feel that in the face of all this you need, more than ever, to be tough, take the reins and fix things to protect yourself. I hope you have some people who can offer support, who you feel comfortable opening up with.
Your "very religious friend" sounds like a funny lady. I figure that if the devil hates marriage, it must be worth fighting for.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Gahh.... I just realised I wrote my H has an H. LOL sorry H's Dad had problems with alcoholism, drug abuse, spouse abuse, chronic infidelity ( that the children involved in), constant moves, and finally my H's Dad walked out when H and his siblings were under 10 , so there are abandonment issues in him too, along with religious abuse.
There! That's better.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Hi everyone, thanks for the advice. Rough day, and I went back to post on my other thread ("how, oh how, do you stay pleasant..." on newcomers). As you can tell from the posts there I've been thinking that much of my sitch is self inflicted - me just not being able to deal with a challenging situation. Doubting myself and so dissapointed.
Sounds like H has a lot to untangle, and not much in the way of good role models.
You've been holding things together I suspect. You must be tired and probably feel it's unfair. I would. So when you interact with H you both probably anticipate tension and conflict.
I don't know why I ask this but can you and H be together and not talk about anything...my W and I sometimes watch TV shows at night when we are too tired to talk. Just by sitting a little closer than I might like to when we're disagreeing sort of sends a signal, like I'm mad but I'm still here. I don't know - maybe that wouldn't work for anyone else. When I want my W to know I'm sorry I let her pick some chick flick, someting with Brad Pitt in it usually, and I try to stay awake for at least an hour. <Yes, I've seen pretty much all of Brad's movies.> When I'm really in a foul mood I watch the same movie and when W and I were good she'd watch it againa dn again. Point is, we didn't talk. Maybe there is something you do/did together like this? Get the feeling you read alot. Maybe that would work.
As you know, I'm in no situation to offer real advice. Except to say that the things I hear on this site make sense to me and seem to work....when I let them.
OK, that makes sense! Sorry for the delay in response. If you followed any of my threads you'll note I had an intense couple days. I'm in the pink today LOL.
Sounds like H has a lot to untangle, and not much in the way of good role models.
Yes, my H was very wounded as a child and I KNOW a lot of that is driving his behaviour on a subconcious level. Sad part is he has to help himself and isn't and perahps never will. Although... it's interesting he is on board with me in wanting pur children to do the same program I am in that addresses this ugly stuff.
You've been holding things together I suspect. You must be tired and probably feel it's unfair. I would. So when you interact with H you both probably anticipate tension and conflict.
Yes that's a lot of it for me. I've been responsible for so much of our shared lives. I waited for him to do his part, or take the lead but he didn't step up, and someone had to take the wheel and steer. He feels I am controlling as a result. sigh
I don't know why I ask this but can you and H be together and not talk about anything...my W and I sometimes watch TV shows at night when we are too tired to talk. Just by sitting a little closer than I might like to when we're disagreeing sort of sends a signal, like I'm mad but I'm still here. I don't know - maybe that wouldn't work for anyone else. When I want my W to know I'm sorry I let her pick some chick flick, someting with Brad Pitt in it usually, and I try to stay awake for at least an hour. <Yes, I've seen pretty much all of Brad's movies.> When I'm really in a foul mood I watch the same movie and when W and I were good she'd watch it againa dn again. Point is, we didn't talk. Maybe there is something you do/did together like this? Get the feeling you read alot. Maybe that would work. We did do that in the past. I've seen practically every bad movie ever made ( I called my H the king of B movies). It's not possible right now, he's gone and we have minimal contact via child care/visitation issues. He does not choose to spend time with me without that factored in.
As you know, I'm in no situation to offer real advice. Except to say that the things I hear on this site make sense to me and seem to work....when I let them.
Yes they do work. Behavioural change is hard especially when it's counterintutive and you're screaming inside saying this is so wrong! It's also hard when progress appears to be glacial in pace. You lose track of the good things that way.
Hope you're doing well.
You too! Today I'm good so I'll run with it. One day at a time is the best we can do right now.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
