Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Chapter 3 the end? Or new beginning?

2, Hope you are feeling better today and just caught up with your sitch.

I am VERY impressed by your DB Coaching Session. I can see alot of my H's responses to me in your W's. It's funny how we all share some of the same.

I love Michelle's insight: I can't remember where the 4 phases are listed on this site, but they are: reducing negative emotions; building friendship; rekindling romance; and recommitment. You can't jump straight to recommitment, and I LOVE your comment about how you aren't sure you would want her to come running back RIGHT NOW if she called. That's a very healthy attitude.

I've said this many times; reconnection before reconcilation. If we all juust jump back in and we'd be doing more of the same which didn't work and we all have worked SO hard to make these changes.

That comment must have been hard for you to say to her, but impressive.

Overall FAB job 2 - I can learn a thing or 2 from you and the BITS!

Oh 2Step, I am crying right now I am so happy for you. She showed up!!!! That is so HUGE.

You know what else??? I believe you. I believe you were sincere with your W about giving her the space she needs. And you know what? She is going to start believing you too. This is the first step in building back that trust. Next step, genuine friendship. You are so getting there and I am so so proud of you!!!

I just so needed this tonight. I need to see someone turning things around and working the program. Thank you.

You are in my prayers constantly. Take care of yourself

LIS

Attaboy, 2step!

I swear, sometimes I think you, me, Denver and MJ are all married to the same woman. The stuff that comes out of our W's pie-holes' is word-for-word the exact same stuff that my W has used over and over again.

Here is an interesting nugget to ponder. OK, your W got on the call today. Good news, definitely. I am very stoked you got her there. I have not been so lucky. But, she was there, very cool! But, think about this for a second. When she left, she said this stuff. When you talked weeks ago, she said this stuff. Today on the call, she said the same stuff. Now, here is my point... Guess who didn't just repeat the same old stuff??? YOU, MY MAN! She is definitely still stuck. But, you have moved on to a new realm and you should be proud. She is a typical WAS. They have one plan, one speech and a one-tracked mind. Frankly, I am starting to feel sad for them. But, not you, my friend. You are getting better. You are getting stronger. You are getting a handle on your emotions. Very, very cool!!! I am very proud of you!

Funny thought. They leave us and we run out and buy DR and do what we do. When I see how often their scripts match, I do wonder sometime if there is a "Divorce Supercharger" book out there that all WAS's read.

My W is still pulling her same crap. Acting like all is well, loving her new life, loving her new apartment, everything. But she doesn't know one very important thing. I have been out there interviewing other WAS's and they have all told me the same thing... She is full of sh*t and is acting her *ss off right now. Do you think any of our S's have taken the time to interview any LBS's??? Probably not.

Sleep well tonight, buddy! You have had a good day!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

2STEP!

This is huge!!! I mean she got on the call! Yes, she didnt say what you prob. wanted. But, that's okay. It's normal for them to act this way. I feel strongly that she is rethinking her status! Reading what she said before the call and after. To me she is thinking about everything. She is also prob. wondering about how your responding. Since, its not what she prob. expected. Cause, she prob. had this all figured out...right?

Your changing and growing! Your making great strides. Just hold on...she will prob. get mad and act out in someway. But, you stay true to your path and keep calm. Your responses are always right on...I wish/pray that I get the chance that you have!!

I'm praying for you 2Step!!!

2step,

I have followed your sitch and those of the other BITS as well.

I'm new here, but have been reading for weeks.

W "I do. I just don't want to let you down because I know you feel like we can make this work and I am not as sure as you are."

The fact that she said this is huge, I think. One thing that I left out of my original post was that I married very briefly when I was younger for about 5 months. When he started dating, I left. I never looked back and never spoke to him again although I am still close to his mom. I really think that the fact she is still communicating to you, was willing to talk to the DB coach and possibly willing to talk to her again is very positive.

You're doing an amazing job with the DB'ing program. Hang in there!

You have more people praying for you and rooting for you than you even know!

Rae

Hahaha. Guess you'd better up your learning curve.

Seriously though, it's not that the WAS ever consciously is DBing you. She's detached. She's decided she has to leave so she's acting accordingly. While the LBS who comes here has decided they're not giving up, and is acting accordingly.

My XH did that stuff ALL the time. When I needed something for taxes or whatever, I'd be lucky to hear from him let alone get any action on my request for weeks. When he needed something and I didn't answer he'd text, then call, then e-mail, then text again and again and again and again.

It's like they have to prove you mean nothing to them. And I think they are trying to prove it to themselves, because they don't 100% believe it. They have doubts and second-thoughts that they bury.

2, you are quiet. What's going on in NJ? You ok?

gypsy,

I am feeling much better today than I was yesterday although still a little sick. Michelle does offer great advice as all of you do. Today I am kind of in blah state of mind, not over optimistic and not depressed, just kind of working and really doing nothing. I wrote in my journal last night for the first time in a few days and got a lot off my chest. I am deep thought since the DB session on where to go from here, completely let go or continue to hold on. What is detaching without losing hope? These are just some of the things I am wrestling with right now. I will find the answer in due time.

lost,

You always have something so nice to say and are always so encouraging. I was sincere with my W. To tell you the truth if W wanted space and to get her mind right I would of waited a year two years when you love someone as deeply as I love her the time is not an issue. There were certain things that rushed my patience and the ability to wait. The first thing was the phone calls from the OM when I was in OK, you have followed my sitc so you know what I am talking about. It was posted on my first thread. That shook my confidence and shattered my hope. In my case PA with OM is my breaking point, to me that is the point of no return.

We each make our own point this is mine and will remain mine. This of course while we are still legally M if the D goes through well then its game on for both of us. I believe 100% this has not happened which is why I continued contact with her, once I kept my imagination in check I was able to stop making all the mistakes I was making in December. Not until I found this board and found you guys did I really start to get my head right. The DB coach has told me "this is what reconciliation looks like" I was floored. "you mean to tell me I am actually in the process of reconciliation?" "You are in the first phase which is the talking and beginning friendship" "Doesn't feel that way" it still doesn't. She calls to get things off her chest, I let her. We will see.

FOBD,

"EL CAPITANT" another BITS reporting for duty! I agree with your comment 100%. We are married to same woman! LOL. They say the same thing for the last 5 years nothing was good. This is why I say that I would have pause if W was to call me today and say let's try again. Why? Why would I? I feel changes happening to me and they are real. I feel real growth. I can't explain it. The feeling comes and then it goes. Some days it stays longer than others but I know it is happening little by little. I still miss her terribly. I miss everything about her and I think about her constantly, but it is not that obsession feeling I was having before. I can breathe now. As long as she is stuck in my M [censored] and you did this and did that to me mode she has not gone through the changes necessary to make this M work. If she wanted to get back together tomorrow I would help her reach this point but only by showing her the way, the journey she will take on her own.

dixie,

You are always such an inspiration to me. You ache and you hurt but yet find the strengh to cheer us on. I hope we do the same for you. I agree. The fact that she got on the call is huge and the fact that she has not ruled out another call is also huge but I will not pin my hopes on it. When I came to the call I was nervous I did not know what to expect. After I hung up I thought to myself "man. all that was, was an hour of roasting me and complaining about me" after thinking about it though I think it was necessary.

One of my biggest challenges is remembering that she is thinking also. This is something that she thinks about as much as I do. The difference is I have gone from thinking to finding answers, this is the step she is missing.

I have asked my family to please give me the space and time I require. I don't need cheerleaders or pep talks. I will work through this. She on the other hand has sought support in her friends and family. I don't blame her for this but I believe they serve as a hindrance for growth.

That's the thing... the script is SO similar but that gives me a ton of hope. If they are acting so predictably then we know what we have to do to get them to respond. My wife was still willing to look at ways that we could reconnect just a week before she decided to file. The problem was that when she gave me that sliver of hope I tried to dive back in. That sealed my fate for now because it drove her towards filing. We are deducting ourselves to understand what is happening and that will make our lives better no matter what happens.

Next,

After my visit to OK my W told me. "no promises and one day at a time" We agreed to talk more often and for the first week I was home we did, everyday. Sometimes short and sometimes long. She would laugh and say "every conversation can't be 2 hours long. It's funny when I was there I couldn't get you to talk, now I can't get you to shut up"

I smile when I think about this. So what happened between that time and now. On Xmas day I called her in the morning to wish her a merry xmas and to thank her for the gift. Now talking to my W in the morning is not a good idea she is not a morning person. We talked for a few minutes and the conversation turned to the M. She made two comments that hurt my ego.

"talking to you is your xmas present" she said jokingly but it bruised.

"I talk to you because I feel sorry for you" That one really bruised but I let it go.

Later that night I called to see if she had liked the present and she said "oh yeah. it was very nice thank you" I was upset she had not called to thank me considering it was a awesome present. At this time my mind was not right still. I could not see the little victories. We spoke for a few minutes and agreed to talk the next day.

She did not call. Then 2 days passed and she did not call. My friends advised me to send her a text just telling her I was done. So I did. I was angry with her for not calling because I thought we should start making commitments right away. Basically I told her "you can't fire me because I quit" We spoke the next day and I'll save you the details but she was not happy.

Her main point was "everything can't be on your terms. this has to be on my terms."

I took that as a sign that she was willing to try again when she was ready.

A week to the day of that conversation she filed.

Do you see the theme here? Because we are so clouded by our desire to reconcile right away we fail to really make progress. I would have been so much further but for my desperation.

If my mind would have been right and I truly had made the changes I claimed to have made I would not have sent that text, I would not have been angry that she did not call. I would of respected her space.

By the way that song from Pearl Jam has been playing all day on my iphone. Thanks for sharing.......