Pickle, I know what you are talking about. At first you can't see what everyone on here is posting about when they say you have to quit worrying about her every move. You see no way around it. But, in time, it does come. I would say I am good 80% of the time. Somedays are bad, and it shows in my posts. When weak, I think this is a good place to be.
All the advice given to newbies about this, almost seems worthless. When you do start letting go, it seems like it just happens. Like you get so exhausted you can't do it anymore anyway.
Hopefully I am wrong. Maybe the advice gets us there that much faster. If the advice I have received has helped me step out of that phase 1 day sooner, it is priceless. Thanks to everyone.
Actually, getting early advice helped me a great deal, even some of the advice that was making things worse!
It's just good to have someone tell you "Everything's gonna be okay." and know that you are not alone.
As far as speeding up the process, I could't tell you. Getting blindsided by a D bomb is a traumatic experience, and each person's psyche begins to heal at their own pace.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
My W took her ring off at the beginning of all this. To her it really doesn't matter. I still wear mine not to honor the marriage to her but the marriage in general. Especially my Ds who are the result of the happy times in the M. It's just a personal decision.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mine took his off around 3 months after the bomb. He always wore it but when he took it off it really did it for me. That's when I made my decision to file. I said to him, "why did you take your ring off was it burning your hand?"
I agree it's a personal choice. I love how people just take the ring off and say "we aren't married anymore" just like that. I personally believe if I were the one on the way out I'd wear it until I left.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Very good responses. I got another question for the women. And i have seen this alot, with my W as well. I went to a divorcecare group last night and seen it.
Why do women take off their wedding rings, and wear another ring in the same spot. Its not always the case but i see it more than not.....
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
In my case, my W took off her ring soon after the bomb, wore it on a family trip around Labor Day and hasn't worn it since. I once made a joke early after the separation about her wearing it and she got mad, so I haven't mentioned it since.
I've been wearing mine almost constantly, though there have been a few times I took the ring off when I was just fed up and didn't care about the relationship anymore. I think the longest it's been off has been 8 hours I've also been playing with it more and more (slipping it on and off, etc.) subconsciously and I think W has noticed but not said anything.
I did notice during our Retrouvaille weekend that most people were wearing their rings, but not all. I'm far enough along in my DBing that while I'd love W to wear her ring, it's no big deal that she doesn't.
I will say, though, that if we do S again like it looks like we might do, I'm more tempted to quit wearing my ring. Let W fully see what it would be like to D. Guess we'll see...
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
My wife took her ring off during our last blow up. I ended up taking it because she didn't deserve it anymore. Funny thing is she hasn't said one thing about it to me yet. So I am not sure if that is hurting or what. It sure has made me happy.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
In my case, my W took off her ring soon after the bomb, wore it on a family trip around Labor Day and hasn't worn it since. I once made a joke early after the separation about her wearing it and she got mad, so I haven't mentioned it since.
I've been wearing mine almost constantly, though there have been a few times I took the ring off when I was just fed up and didn't care about the relationship anymore. I think the longest it's been off has been 8 hours I've also been playing with it more and more (slipping it on and off, etc.) subconsciously and I think W has noticed but not said anything.
I did notice during our Retrouvaille weekend that most people were wearing their rings, but not all. I'm far enough along in my DBing that while I'd love W to wear her ring, it's no big deal that she doesn't.
I will say, though, that if we do S again like it looks like we might do, I'm more tempted to quit wearing my ring. Let W fully see what it would be like to D. Guess we'll see...
What did you think about retrovaille. It worked for us, until we stopped going the the after meetings. I think that it is well worth it....
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
my wife actually had the habit of taking hers out when we had an argument. She lost hers during an apartment robbery. Then i got her a similar one so that she did not feel bad. But in 2009 when we had an argument, she took it off and gave it to me. broke my heart. Then she took it back after 2 weeks. Now that she dropped the D bomb in december, she left the ring on table for me to find when i got back in town. I know it is just symbolic, but it hurts like hell. Might be she's not as sentimental as i am...
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Ruikee, I liked Retrouvaille, but I found it a bit intense at times and W really had a hard time. It was really helpful to know just what W feelings are, even though I don't think she knows herself half the time. I think in the long run it will be good and that we'll be able to use the techniques. I just postponed our post sessions until April, so we'll see.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I hope that you and your wife will practice the dialoguing while you wait to do the Post sessions. It's important to keep the communication going. Not just talking. There is something different about the dialoguing that makes you feel close to each other, that talking just doesn't match. The Post sessions are very important.
When Retrouvaille was started many years ago, it was just the weekend. And lots of people were able to save their marriages with just the weekend. But then it was decided that more help was needed, and they developed the Post sessions. This really boosted the percentage of couples who were still together after 5 years. Now 80% of couples who do the entire program are still married 5 years later.
I've also been playing with it more and more (slipping it on and off, etc.) subconsciously and I think W has noticed but not said anything.