Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Think MLC should be my new home

Hi Rae, forgive me but I have not read through your whole thread.

I wanted to write because I had a live in for almost 2 years with an OW in another state.

I was a slow learner and while he was there, at first I walked on eggshells and I tried to be a good girl.

Then eventually, after some tough love, I got it.

I began to just go about my life. I went out with friends. I changed my hair and clothes. I even went back to college. I would be polite and cordial. Treated him like a nice neighbor.

At first, it was acting as if. Then, it became real. I wish I could say that it was easy, but it wasnt. It was very hard. Try as I might, there were days where I would get a little crazy.

I eventually could not have him there and asked him to leave.

I continued on my journey.

So, the emphasis has to be on you and your children. Of the things your h has said about you in the marriage, figure out which are valid and if you want to, begin to change those things about yourself.

Then think about the kind of person you want to be. What characteristics and values do you see in others that you want to emulate. Be that person each day.

This is a long road, one with many ups and downs, curves and loops. But if you decide to take this journey, man it could be quite a ride.

So, buckle up and get to gettin'

I amglad to have read this thread and read about the "live ins"! I have one too .... and although its just been a few months, it feels like forever, and I remember once I posted that it makes me feel like being a WAW at times. I have a friend who had a live in for 2 years and she threatened to kill him if he wouldn't leave! That worked.

This, is NOT the best option LOL.

I won't kid you, having a live in is hard. Personally, I think it is harder than if they leave (although I didn't think so when H was threatening to leave). They are in your face every day, whether you like it or not.

Like Brooklyn, I too tried to be the "good girl" at first.

That just does not work. It doesn't change them and makes you crazy.

Living for yourself, makes it easier. It brings peace most days.

Mine, still shares the house (although it is on a very part time basis). Not because I am looking to restore my M, I am no longer doing that. It is because I am the one who is going to be moving to another part of the country. I always knew that if my M did not work out, that I would relocate. (We are in the second crisis, so some things, I had already answered for myself during the first crisis.) I ended up in Florida by the choice of my mother, and remained here because I met my H. My son, is almost grown and ready to be on his own and I did not want to disrupt his life in that way. It took everything that I learned here and through my own journey that gives me the ability and strength, to continue to maintain a peaceful and happy home for my son. It takes detatchment, forgivness, more detatchment, recognizing what is MLC and what is not, patience, kindness, and space. We have a coparenting relationship, basically, our child and things related to the house, are what we speak of. We do not interfere in each others personal lives and don't ask questions. A few years ago, I would not have had the emotional stamina to do this.

Take your journey, find your peace, and find what works for you in your situation. People might not understand, but it is not for others to understand or approve of.

Cat, Brooklyn, Grace, Angel, CW and Cadet,

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I feel like I have some of the “big dogs” watching my back.

Grace,

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think sometimes yes and no on how strong I can be. My greatest strength is my ability to communicate and my greatest weakness is my NEED to. Not being able to have R talks is literally hurting my soul.

I think my sanctuary is here. A place where I am not alone.

Journaling/Venting

This weekend started off really rocky.

I am trying so hard to give him space and stay out of his way. He’s very curious about my constant computer usage. Now all of a sudden, if I leave the room, he wants to know where I’m going.

Saturday we went for a drive and he wanted to stop and look at cars for D16. It’s complicated but I’ll try to shorten it.

In the last year, he has become very critical of everything and everybody. Even strangers. He’s become arrogant and snobby. He does this in front of the kids too. He is always making fun of what others drive. The kids are becoming the same way about cars. Originally, he was going to spend 8K on a car for her. Now, that we have the vette note, we can’t afford to spend that much. She’s upset and he thinks she being a spoiled brat. They’re both right. He isn’t listening and she is acting like a spoiled brat. They both want me to take sides. I try to stay out of it and they both get mad at me. So, I try to explain each of them to the other.

When we get home, he just keeps bringing it up and how he is right. Why can’t I support him, etc. I’m trying to just keep my mouth shut. He wouldn’t let it go, so we start talking. It rapidly turns into a R talk. It got ugly very quickly. In the beginning I tried to validate his feelings and listen. Then I just got ticked off.

I have an iPhone and a Mac. They sync with each other each time I plug my phone into my computer. It syncs emails and phone contacts together. My h is listed in my phone as Name-ICE, which stand for In Case of Emergency. This shows up on my email as well, bc of the sync thing. I have explained this no less than 3 times to him. At least 3 times.

Towards the end of the conversation, if you could call it that, he said, “And this ICE thing on your email! I don’t have W-B!TCH on mine! What kind of underhanded statement is that, W?”

I just looked at him with my mouth slightly hanging open for a good 10 seconds. I think that was the first time I knew that he really is sick.

I calmly explained again, exactly what ICE stands for. It was the strangest argument I have ever had.

It was late, but I told him that I needed to leave and just get away for a couple of hours. I would be back but I had to get away from him. I said it just like that.

Then for some reason, he peeked out from his tunnel.

He wrapped himself around me. He buried his face in my hair.

He said, “I know that I have been an a$$. I know that I don’t make sense half of the time. I don’t make sense to myself most days. I’m just really in a funk right now and I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. Please, love me through this. Please.”

Hard words to resist.

I cried alot Saturday night. I told him that I felt like I had lost everything. He said that I still had everything and that he was going nowhere.

Sunday was a really nice day. He was more himself than I have seen in a while. Today, he could be right back in the tunnel. I am going to try to enjoy the days I have him and cherish those.

This is going to be a long ride.

The best advice I can give you is to guard your computer, this website and any information you have like a hawk.
Do not give him access to it.
Like you said this is your sanctuary.
Do whatever you must do to keep it that way.
That can be very difficult.
Remember you can trust nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do.

I have my browser on private, which automatically deletes the history. He's never on my computer and has his own. I'm careful, I promise.

Rae,

This is beautiful and I don't want to scare you, but I do want to give you a word of caution.

While I know that I am NOT responsible for H's MLC, and neither are you, I do feel that I bear some responsibility for pushing him to the bomb drop. I, like you, knew something was up. I just didn't think it was this.

It was interactions like this one, that finally led up to him saying what he somewhere inside wanted to say but wouldn't find the guts to do.

You are right, this is going to be a very bumpy road but your attitude amazes and impresses me, considering where you are in this process. I believe you will be able to handle whatever comes your way.

They will snoop, they will forget things you just talked about, and the anger is their frustrations coming out. Do your best to remain calm when this happens.

The car teenage thing, just went through it. OMG what a nightmare. Personally, I didn't want to spend a ton of money, everyone told me kids usually wreck their first car, and with a little bit of looking, we found a nice car, in good shape, that was very reasonably priced. My S acted like a total brat at first because he wanted a Mustang ONLY, but he came around and now we are both very happy.

Good luck with that sweetie. Six months and I am just getting comfortable with it LOL.

Have a good day

I'm going to echo what you said when it comes to this whole Mustang thing too. Haha!!!



LMAO! You made the right decision Cat, BUT don't think that your off the hook just yet as far as the Mustang goes. I did EXACTLY the same thing, and ended up with a Chrysler Lebaron..... at first. A year and a half later I had saved enough to almost pay for the Stang that I couldn't live without. My father (bless his heart) saw this and understood. He'd been there before too and reluctantly helped me come up with the rest of the cash.

That poor guy had NO idea what he was in for. We picked up a bright red Mustang and not to mention very fast Mustang just before I turned 18. Then I proceeded to pick up four speeding tickets that summer. Hehe!!

Looking back now, I can only imagine and actually truly appreciate what happened to his insurance rates after that.

So I will once again echo what you've said.



Cause this ain't over with.

Fisherman,

Believe me, I am not stupid enough to think it's over.

And I somehow believe in the end, based on certain influences, I am gonna be outvoted...

So I know I don't really have a fighting chance. (sigh)

But NOT on my insurance!!!

Too funny!!!

I heard the exact same thing, along with a few expletives thrown in.

Haha!!!