Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW tearing up our family

Thanks everybody.

I know that trying to figure out what a crazy person is thinking ... is crazy. But, crazy is as crazy does :-)

I just keep almost hoping she just leaves already. But I don't push or ask. All of that isn't my problem. She's not my problem anymore. She's her problem. I shouldn't have been mr fix it for her all the time to begin with and I think the lack of me doing so much for her will sink in eventually. In the meantime, I feel very liberated to only have to fix me for a change.

I forgot to add ... I received 2 job offers this week. I have a good job now, but have been thinking about changing jobs for awhile now. Anyway, I am able to dictate terms on money etc. .... and I feel really good. I know that life already has a lot of change for me right now .. but I kind of feel like "hey, why not change jobs too?". Having to prove myself at a new place will probably keep me busy and my mind off of all of this ... plus will be a chance to learn new things.

Anyway, last night I really, really felt like life was just opening up in front of me. And I felt in every fiber of my being that I am an amazing catch for a W or an employer ... and that I was going to have a better life than I'd ever imagined. And having my W be a part of that wasn't at all necessary.

Maybe that sound mean, or egotistical ... but I felt great. I'd also found some local groups online that host activites for separated and divorced people. Things like going to a movie, or going on a hike ... and I'm excited to check these out. Anyway, my W came down and was watching TV with me and I told her that I just really, really felt good about life right now. Which I do!

She's super depressed right now. Which I kind of find funny because nobody is standing in the way of her fantasy life. She should be happy!

Anyway, about 5 mins later she says "well, you don't have to spend money on flowers for V-day this year so you can add that to your happy list".

I paused, and responded "yeah, that's true. I can buy something I want"

Anyway ..... I imagine this whole thing as a fight. She's just trying to punch me .... and I'm using jui ji tsu or whatever ... I'm taking her attacks and using her force against her craziness. I'm not letting them hit me or damage me.

Do I expect her attacks to become more vicious? Absolutely. But, it won't matter. I may hurt, but she can't win. Because I'll always be great. :-)

oneStep,

Looks like you and I are in the same exact place right now. Like you, my H has told me he was leaving, research apartments, but still finds himself at home. He told me this two weeks ago and there's been no further movement. Also, like you, this all started at the end of Sept/beginning of Oct.

This is an unbelievable roller coaster. I have no advice. I struggle with the same exact things you do. Some days I just want him out because I can't stand looking at him. Some days I'm scared to death that he will leave. I need a ticker to keep up with where I stand at any given moment.

BUT, you are so right... this is her problem. And you are right that it is a good time to feel liberated and only do for yourself. I used to spend hours cleaning and taking care of my H. Now, I don't do a thing. I have so much free time to do my own thing! I bought a gym membership and signed up with a personal trainer in December. I lost 27 lbs. (started b4 December). It feels so good! So tell me, what are you doing??

LIS,
GOOd for you! That's awesome! That is a wonderful thing to come out of a crappy situation.

I have been in fairly good shape for years now and lift every day. I discovered lifting years ago back when I was nuts and I got a personal trainer and totally changed my physique .... lifting is necessary for me to keep my head in a good place. Great job on doing that for yourself. There isn't a better gift to give yourself. Don't you just feel SOOOO much better when you are taking care of your body?

So, I'm spending more time at the gym again than I have since the baby came. I always felt bad about leaving W with the baby. Now, I don't feel bad so I stay as long as I want. Gives me a good reason not to be around at night after baby goes to bed too.

I've also been playing basketball every Sunday ... and working on the house on the weekends. Just staying busy really makes me feel good. I have also been taking more time to hang out with my buddies. And listen to them. Listen to what their problems in life are. My best friend growing up .... well ... 3 years ago when his baby was 6 months old .... his wife decided she needed to go "live for her" ... which apparently meant doing drugs and being a sl*t. So, needless to say ... he's divorced now. And really talking to him is helping me.

I have already informed my W that my time with the baby will coincide with my friend's time with his kids so that he and I can hang out together.

Yes!!!! I feel so empowered with the weightlifting. It's kind of awesome to see my progression and know, "I did this!"

Are you still talking about the logistics of your separation or did that talk stop?

Did she have a plan when she started talking separation? My H did not. I asked a few questions and all I got was, "I don't know, I didn't think about that." Of course, this was after I nicely told him that I thought it was a good idea. I think I rendered him speechless after that.

I'm so glad that you have a friend with you to go through this. That is irreplacable. I've cut off all relationship talk with anyone who talks to him (which is just about everyone). I don't want him to have the first clue what I'm up to. I don't think he knows what to do with that either.

I need to find more things to keep me busy on the weekends like you. I kind of need to get over the shyness and get out there. Unfortunately, I don't have the stamina to do 8 hours at the gym

She brings it up from time to time.

I am firm with my boundaries "Sorry, I just bought that a year ago ... you can take the things you bought".

I don't bring it up and I don't push .. but I am tempted. Once in awhile I may say "let me know when you're moving so I can help"

But, I Really do make her figure all of the details out.

Like your H, my W really hadn't thought things thru. Even though my W is an accomplished person ... she's an adolescent right now. And that's really how she's living. I don't understand it. But yeah, they don't think things thru. They stage a big fight/discussion with us so they can tell us how they're going to do this and that. But, they don't really know how to do that. Reminds me of when I "ran away from home" when I was a little kid. I just hung out in the dog house for a few hours, and when my parents didn't come looking for me I went back inside.

And I think this is part of them having to grow into real adults instead of the children they currently are. I let her fail on her own ... just as I would a teenager. And I giggle inside. "Of course you can't afford to live in that part of town, stupid. Sure is good to have a H that makes a good living isn't it? Go on ... go see how great this life on your own is" I say to her inside my head.

Any signs of your H actually getting ready to move?

I swear, you crack me up. LOVE THE DOG HOUSE STORY.

Yeah, I was kind of wondering if you had the same experience with the spouse not thinking it through. I'm type-A all the way. If I were truly planning on leaving, I would definitely have my ducks in a row. But that's me and not him.

I haven't asked once about him moving other than the first day. He turned warm to me after his meltdown and my complete lack of reaction to it. But then he's turning cold again. Strange thing is all of his covert actions (which weren't really all that covert because for a smart guy he's pretty stupid) have all but ceased. He's not really texting uncontrollably, he's not on the computer at night and then erasing history, he's not taking phone calls outside, etc. So to be honest, not sure what to make of any of it. Someone really needs to send a psychiatrist over to my house and examine this specimen.

I guess part of him is waiting for me to go look for him out in the dog house. The question then becomes do they come back in the house when we don't go out there?

They do come back in or they don't right?

If they do, they have to go back outside and wait until we want them back inside.

If they don't .... well ... enjoy the doghouse WAS! Its nice and warm in here and we're having a blast.

Since she is now sleeping in the room downstairs, I was considering taking our wedding photo off the entrance to MY bedroom. Is that too agressive? I just hate looking at it when I go in there.

Yes, I think its too aggressive. Maybe others would disagree. If she moved out, I would think that would be bad, but she's there so I would leave it up.

But I do understand your feelings about looking at it. I completely understand!