Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Chapter 3 the end? Or new beginning?

I think it is a good idea to let your W choose.

I can't imagine how hard it is to send those papers back, but you MUST. She needs to feel in control for some reason right now so you are going to need to do that. I know that this must be one of the scariest things you've had to do, though. I'm proud of you!!!

2Step, the divorce might go through. And only you can decide if that's the end. As I was telling Dixie today, one of my closest friends divorced his wife and then ended up remarrying her. Now, that's not to say that you are wrong how you feel, that is just to say that it doesn't have to be the end UNLESS YOU WANT IT.

I am praying for you.

LIS

Mail them back. You said you would, so do it. It's not the be all and end all of anything. If anything, most R happen after the D papers have been filed, not before. The WAS often has to push that far before they allow themselves to slow down and let the reality of what is happening really sink in.

Very cool about her still wanting to go through with the convo with the DB coach on Thursday! Yeah, definitely let her decide how that goes.

The last resort technique says no pursuit, minimal contact, etc. But the most basic DB principle is do more of what works and less of what doesn't. You know your spouse better than anyone here, so you are the best at predicting her responses and what will work. You don't always have to toe the hard line of the LRT, but remember the Michele included it in her books for a reason: it really does work. How you customize that to your situation is up to you and your DB coach.

Michelle/Lost

Both of you are right. I will mail them back first thing tomorrow. We have been getting hit pretty hard with snow and ice all day so I used that as an excuse to not go but I will go tomorrow and mail them.

I've said it a hundred times but I wanted to thank all those that have stuck with me through this and have offered advice. You have been my source of strengh when I'm weak you have kept me focused and hopeful. I hope that I've served as comfort for you.

That is all we can do

That's the same thing I told my wife. Everyday during our marriage I told her that I loved her and there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her.

When this started I knew that if I couldn't do this my words were hollow. I never thought that letting her go would be what she would need and I'm more scared than ever that it will end up being what she really does want. But it's what I have to do to show her that I'm sincere.

Actually Next, you hit the nail on the head. Would we do ANYTHING for our W's? Do we love them only when they love us back? Or... do we have unconditional love for our Ws?

If we have true unconditional love for our Ws, we choose to let them go, let them try to find the happiness that they are missing... even if it is not with us.

Hold up. I'm confused.
I thought the whole goal of this website was to "bust" a divorce?

If true unconditional love requires letting our spouses go and find their bliss with or without us ( and from these boards lately it seems we LBS are pretty much on our own from the time they walk out) what's the point of doing DBing beyond the self improvement aspect?

I'll be frank with you. If my H chooses to stay gone, I'll love who he once was. For as was pointed out to me change is inevitable and constant in people. H will become a stranger to me after a time. A stranger who shares a tie with me through our kids.
H is everyday becoming more of a stranger to me and I am slowly becoming indifferent. I think that is a side effect of detachment and not having expectations?

Yes I can choose to behave in a loving, compassionateand kind manner,it doesn't change the genuine lack of feeling.

Once that happens there is no love connection left IMHO.

At that point what's left to hang onto?

Am I missing something?

2step,
I agree, mail them back. Show her that you are a man of your word and that you can be the person she would like you to be. As all has stated here, the papers are not execution orders from the governor. Heck, I have an aunt and uncle who have formally divorced and remarried twice. Probably not the best example as they are both crazy as sh*t, but I think you get the point.

By the way, your comment about me punching my computer made me spit out what I was drinking in laughter!!!

Keep us posted!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

Hey my friend 2 and other BITS!

Yes, well I plan to be home againt tommorrow due to ice and yet more snow!

Anyway, I totally agree with what everyone has offered. Michelle's reply resonated alot with me; I share the same outlook.

And, I've been hearing ALOT of stories how people get the D and eventually find their way back to their former S's to get remarried again. That in itself gives me hope.

Thurs is on its way 2! ;-)

Sorry to hijack your thread 2Step.

Scylia - I agree with most of what you are saying. I mean I'm not saying that the point of us being here should just be self improvement. The point is self improvement AND busting the divorce. But I also think that part of detaching is understanding that your S is a person who has free will and who has the right to seek happiness in life. Our S's are their own life journey. We HOPE that that journey leads them back to us. Why would they come back to us? Bc we financially support them? Bc we have children with our them? Bc we have a history with them? Bc they are afraid of the unknown without us? Those are all possible reasons that they may come back, but probably not the best of reasons. For me, I want my W to come back to me bc she knows that i am a source of unconditional love. Because what I offer is not conditioned on something she does or doesn't do for me.

I think that the only way to truly love someone unconditionally is to accept our S regardless of the flaws and choices... even when those choices are not in line with what WE WANT. I look at this as true giving. I give my W love with no conditions. This is how I want to love and be loved.

With some insightful words from TrueGritters threads, I really focused on this question: Do I choose to love my W only on the condition that she loves me back? My answer was 'no'. I choose to love my W not based on any condition... I just do.

I don't know if that makes sense Scylia and it is just how I feel... how I am trying to live my life from this point forward.

Take care.

BITS
Denver