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Just journaling at this point but I was going through my computer and saw a pic of my W daughter and M last xmas and I haven't stopped crying since. Even as I type the keys are wet. I just want my family back.....I am..............................

Well that's what has impressed me about your sitch... You are just as tore up as everyone else but you seem to handle your interaction REALLY well with your wife. When I saw mine yesterday I had a hard time even making eye contact and no matter how much I tried to pump my self up before I got there I just wanted to get out as fast as I could when she answered the door lol.

2Step-Just a curious question(s).....

What is the protocol for D in NJ? Is it a no fault state like mine?
And...you peeked my curiosity when your DB Coach said ur marriage still can be saved even tho there is a D on the table. I can use some of that encouragement.

2Step

Read through my thread. I understand shame and talked about it awhile back. It's perfectly natural.

I'm sorry that you had a bad weekend. I am so proud of you, though, that you did so well for your daughter and her party. That was so hard for you and we all know it and you did it!

The patience thing is definitely hard. For some more than others but definitely hard. I think many of us go into this panic mode, we convince ourselves that this is our last chance, and the patience goes out the window. Nothing is that cut and dry. Nothing. You know what I started doing to help me with this expectations thing? I started imagining my life without my H. I started looking at houses and where I wanted to live. I even got some decorating magazines and imagined how I would decorate. I just started re-writing the script a little bit. I find facing my fears makes me less scared (I'm still scared but I'm better). I used to hate swimming. I was deathly afraid of the water even after I learned how to swim. So, I decided one day to get my lifeguard certification. It works for me, I don't know why. Maybe it will work for you. And when I say imagine your life... I mean imagine a good life. Do not let yourself believe it will all be cr&p from here on in because that isn't true.

I do not believe under any circumstance that your situation is hopeless in the least. So please do not misinterpret what I am saying. I just want you to know right now that you are going to be ok.

Take care of yourself and I'm praying for you.

what next,

If my W would of called today I would not have answered the phone. I was/am in a bad way. I called my mom and asked her to take my daughter to target to spend some of her money from the gifts. As soon as they left I just cried and cried. Probably the most crying I have done since this whole thing started. I prayed I cried I prayed and I cried some more. For awhile I didn't think I was going to stop. Even my dog started to cry lol. As for how i handle my conversations with my W it has been based on the instructions I have been given by my DB coach and my own trial an error. I think on habit's thread I mentioned the logic. If I make her feel good about calling she is more likely to call me back if she feels depressed after talking to me she goes dark. So I took it as a game of chess. I WILL be happy when she calls. Luckily the last few interactions have been nice but then they just stopped all together add that with the whole party and the picture and I just hit a breaking point. Now I am in bed depressed. I go through this on occasion when I am up I have no doubt we will get back together because we had a real strong connection at one point I mean really deep can't just box that up and put it away but when I am down I am devastated. This was one of those weekends.

gypsy,

The D was filed in OK by her so I am not really sure about the laws in Jersey. I will be sending back the paperwork tomorrow to her. She can do what she wants with them. To be honest with you I think she will turn them in with a heavy heart but I believe 1000% that if she had another way or felt there was a way to fix our marriage she would take it. I know this woman and she is doing this out of anger and because she feels there is no fixing us she just doesn't see how. I do.

As for the DB coach she told me that after our first session. After listening to me spill my guts out for almost an hour. One thing I have done very well is I have kept good records. Text messages emails and other things. One thing my W and did about 3 months before she left was we sat down and wrote down on a piece of paper what she did not like about me and what she did I did the same. I found it and read it to my DB. I also read to her the letter she left me followed by some text. So my DB coach has a pretty good idea of how my W feels not just based on what I have said but based on her own words. If you go through my thread you see that I always include my W actual words. Well anyways, after the first session her exact words rights before the end of the session were "oh she is not done with you" then we hung up. You could imagine how I felt after that comment. I wanted to call her right back.

After the fourth session I brought it up and asked her to give me a REAL assessment and she said "I see a lot of hope in your situation. This is what reconciliation looks like. Its baby steps not one single thing but a bunch of little ones" That made me feel good but I don't see with a D in full swing how anyone can call this reconciliation. But what do I know she's done over 6000 phone calls. I am hoping W doesn't back out of our Thurs appt cause I think maybe she might see another option here.

Lost

Awww my friend. I can always count on you on my rough days. Getting through my D bday was a huge feat but seeing that couple who are very close friends almost broke me down. The husband put his arms around me a said "I understand. Go take care of your D and we will be over here with the kids. No shame. I get it" He was referring to how I have been avoiding him. I can imagine my life without my W but I don't like it. I truly enjoyed her company she was a fun gal to be with. Hell my friends loved her. I was so proud to be her husband and it saddens me that she did not feel this way about me. I found in my night stand drawer a birthday card from her. This is what it reads....

"Dear Name,
The First thing is I love you but you already knew that, I hope what you don't know is how often I think about you, the way you suddenly show up in my mind that’s the second thing, I should tell you these things more often. Why don't I? I guess the third thing is how hard it is to find the right words to say how it feels to love and be loved by you, wonderful you. Happy Birthday I love you with all of my heart and I am SO thankful for the wonderful husband that you are. I wish you a very happy birthday and a wonderful life together"

This was in July of this year on my birthday. I know I can go on without her after all I was a person before her I will be a person after her. But I have disappointed or hurt this woman and that is what is killing me slowly. Today was very very hard for me. The entire weekend came down on me tonight. If you look at my interactions you can sit there and say "man what is wrong with this guy look at all the positives that have happen just this week alone"

I get so discouraged though because I start to think about just the logistics alone and I see it as such a huge mountain to climb. If you were to ask me to give you a quick answer based on my gut alone if I see myself getting back together with my wife I would say yes; but if I start to think about it then I become more doubtful.

Anyways thank you for listening to my rambling I hope I explained it properly.

2step,
Don't worry about that "shame" thing with your friends. I do it too. I hate being around couples that we used to hang out with when we were together. They are together and I am standing there alone. Stupidly, you imagine in your mind that the men are standing there thinking, "I knew she was too much woman for him." And you convince yourself that the women are thinking, "I knew she was unhappy all along. I don't know why she was ever with him." But they aren't thinking that at all. Most of them truly feel hurt for you and the sitch you are in. So many of my friends have pulled me aside and said, "Dude, if I could snap my fingers and bring her home right now, I would do it for you in an instant. Hang in there. We are here for you." But, you are right. As men, we feel embarrassment and shame for losing our W's. I talked to my C about this and he told me the same thing. "(name), there is no shame in this. It happens to everyone at some point. If you are driving down the highway and someone else hits you, do you feel responsible? Do you feel shame?. Same applies here. You got hit, but don't let it kill you. Get off the mat and start fighting!"

Hold your head high today, buddy. You took care of your daughter on her special day. Right now she is probably in bed thinking, "My daddy is awesome." Years from now, she is going to remember that you were there for her and her mother was thousands of miles away. You were a good father first and you took care of yourself second. That is what a good father does. I am proud of you. Focus on that.

As for your sitch, I don't have the answers you want. But, I want to offer this analogy to think about the next time you are down. I came up with this today while I was driving home. Do you like football? I love football. So I want you to imagine your sitch as a football game between two big rivals like Alabama/Auburn or Ohio St./Michigan. If you have ever sat in the stands pulling for your team in a big rivalry game like this, you will understand. Stay with me. Games aren't won in the first quarter. Games are won in the second quarter. Games aren't won in the third quarter. Games are won in the fourth quarter and the fourth quarter only. You and your W are at best at halftime right now. If your team gets up by a TD in the second quarter, you don't pack up your stuff and go home right? If the opposing team gets up by 14 in the third quarter, do you leave the game? NO! A good football fan knows that no lead is safe whether you are losing or winning. So, when you suffer a setback with your sitch, all that is is the other team scoring a TD. It is not the end of the game, it just means you have to work a little harder on the next possession. But, no matter what, the game is still undecided.

A couple of years ago, my favorite college team was down by 27 points in the third quarter of a game where their opponent was quite inferior. It was absolutely absurd my team was losing this game. People started boo'ing and leaving the game. The coach changed the QB in the middle of the 3rd quarter. All of a sudden, my boys started coming back. It turned out to be the largest second-half comeback in the history of the program. They ended up winning by a TD. And all those jack-wagons that boo'ed and left missed it. They missed seeing history because they left the game early. They packed it in, accepted defeat and went home. Is that what you are going to do? Yes, you are down right now to your opponent. But, are you just going to take your helmet off and leave the field for good in the third quarter? Imagine if an NFL player were to do that? Dude, you are still in this game. You have been practicing your butt off, working on your game plan and executing your plays. Don't quit now. IT IS ONLY THE THIRD QUARTER. There is still plenty of time on the clock and you have the plan and the players to execute a comeback. The game is only over when the clock reads 00:00. And you still have a long way to go until that time.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

FOBD,

That's actually a great anology. You want to hear something funny? When my W and I had that great conversation the other night I used the same line. I said. "honey. It's the 4th qrt the clock read 1:30 and the game is on the line. I think we will win" She laughed and said "your glass is always half full"

LOVE the analogy FOBD. I've looked at it that way many times over the past couple of months.

2Step - You are worried about the logistics of reconciliation with your W, but I think that you may be too caught up on that. You have a history of love with your W. Heck, I can see that she was IN LOVE with you just this past July when she wrote what she did in your Bday card! That love is still there... you can tell from your recent conversations with her. It is just a little buried. When it is uncovered, she will go to ends of the earth to be with you. I really think that. And, I have a feeling that you'd do the same for her.

BITS!
Denver

There is always hope . . . http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-humber-12302146

You ARE making baby steps. How many people guessed she would pull back after both the long convo and the flowers? Well, she did. Give it a few days. You will have more chances.

Why do you stand for your vows? Is she worth it you asked? I don't know, only you do. But the real question is ARE YOU WORTH IT? You didn't make those promises just to her, you made vows to yourself. Are you worth so little that you aren't worth keeping your word??? Will you become the kind of man who breaks his promises "just" because the other person doesn't hold up their end when you want them to? Or the kind of person who always keeps their word and tries their best no matter what?

I just read the thread!!! O-M-G!!! I'm sooooo happy for you I just let out a woo hoo from my office at work...got some looks LOL

GOD is working here my friend....I will be praying on Thursday at 9am for yall! Just becareful and keep on DBing...don't get to crazy excited like I would and make her run for the hills again!

I can hardly wait till your post on Thursday and how that call goes for yall! I've always wondered if I asked H to do that if he would.

By the way...Im glad I have yall to be in the fetal position with too! You have helped me soooo much and kept me going when I couldnt help myself!!!