The way the D proposal reads H is still very much under the impression that we will be using the same L. H will not be happy. This is H's problem though.
Exactly right; what did he think you would do? I guess either he thought to save some money OR try and get whatever he wants while you have NO say.
You are right to get a lawyer on your own; and if divorce is what he thinks he wants; you make sure you get what's rightfully yours in that process.
All you can do is protect yourself at this point.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Sa, I have been thinking about you today. As I move nearer to the end of the legal part of my marriage, I remember all too well where you are now.
You cannot believe that the man who, for so many years, was your partner, your friend and lover, is now someone who is trying to get as much as he can from you.
It is hard to imagine, hard to wrap your head around. Sad, really, that he is so far off in MLC land that he doesn't realize what he is doing.
And while it is easy for us to tell you to just concentrate on the financial part, I know how devastating this is for you. And I am so sorry.
You will be feeling a lot of things during this. Feel it. Then use those feelings to move you forward on this journey.
There is nothing that you can do or say now that will change this. So it is best to handle it as best you can remaining true to yourself and your moral compass but with your children and your own best interests in mind.
Your h will get angry. But do not let the fear of his anger stop you from doing what you need to do.
SA, you are a strong, compassionate person. While this isnt the life you imagined for yourself, no one knows what the future holds, but you hold it in your hands.
My friend Eric is right. Try to remember those 28 years will love and happy memories. Remember the man you knew who you shared a life with.
Be kind to yourself. Take some quiet moments to rest and pray.
I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. I don't have anything to add to what others have said. If you take time to rest, relax, and do something restful for yourself everyday, it will help to clear the chatter in your brain.
I want to thank everyone for all their support. I am struggling with this on many different levels. At the risk of 2 x 4's I'm going to try to journal these feelings. If this sounds like a pity party, maybe it is. IDK
First, you ladies that have spoken about never thinking you'd ever deal with this have hit the nail on the head. I was secure in the love I thought my husband had for me. I would have never dreamed he could do this. This is why this why the MLC forum was my first stop on these boards. It was the only explanation that fit what he was doing.
The D papers themselves were a shock. Yes, they were threatened when he left, but H had a history of never finishing what he started. This included major projects around our home(s)and hobbies that he started. The kids and I learned to do great finishing work. The D papers are a 180 for him.
I married my H with him having full custody of his two young sons. They very seldom were with their mother and to escape bills that she and her BF had run up after her and H split, and just before our wedding, she and BF moved to Texas.
So, this started the pattern of me working around taking care of the kids so my H could satisfy his workaholicness. I knew what he was full well going into our marriage. I accepted this about him. That doesn't mean I wasn't lonely at times, but it was who he was and still is.
When we started having children, H was the main breadwinner, I was the main caregiver. This worked because of who H was and who I was. Yes, we did take each other for granted at times because we each had our roles in the marriage, we knew what they were and accepted them.
When H ran I was shocked to learn that he resented supporting the kids and I. I was shocked that he resented being taken for granted by all of us. I know you're only hearing it from my side, but there were many, many times the kids and I tried to show him how much we appreciated him and how hard he worked to support us. H stopped being able to see this about 2 years before the bomb. He withdrew from the family, and I, more and more. He continued to work like he always did.
During the BD he did say that he'd worked like that to escape the kids and I. That hurt because it was true. It was telling me that he resented the fact that I saddled him with more kids. My first inkling of this was about 13 years ago when his youngest son by his first marriage graduated and left for the Marine Corp. He admitted during that time that if we hadn't had more children he would then be free from supporting a family. I believe he would have gone all in the tunnel at this time if he hadn't been interrupted by my truly unplanned pregnancy with D12.
I'm here to tell you though that H was very much for having our children at the time. He went to every OB appointment with me for each of them. He was a very involved and tender Dad. He took care of them as babies fully tending to all of all their needs right down to being jealous of my nursing them because he wanted to be involved with feeding them. My family even recognized this and as a joke bought him a bra set up with bottles. LOL I was able to work it out where he could be involved with feeding but it wasn't as often as he liked.
The weird thing I've noticed in looking back was that where H pulled away from the kids is when they reached the age of about 9. Nine was the age H was when he lost his dad suddenly. I do wonder now if there was a connection there. He even said more than once a few years ago that he wished we could have another baby...
I'm struggling with having to do what I'm going to do and that is see a L and take half from H. I am grateful for those years that I got to stay home and I'm grateful to H for supporting us and letting me use my paycheck to support my horses and my bills. This is the stipulation that H himself made during our marriage. He said I will support all of us, and if you want horses you support them. Now, I did do some supporting of us such as paying half the mortgage and paying for what I bought that added to our lives such as the swimming pool, etc. I found out in H's spew when he left that he resented that I hadn't paid for more during the years. I feel guilty that I'm going for half of what H worked for, but if I don't, I won't be able to live. I feel that I don't deserve it and it will just reinforce H's resentment of me. I pray that he doesn't take that resentment out on the kids but I'm scared he will. They are the real casualties of this.
H changed the rules, but forgot to tell me. Looking back, there were clues and I failed to see them or maybe I didn't want to.
I apologize for the length of this. I wanted to get this out there as I move forward on a path that I truly didn't believe I would ever be on. I still love and am in love with H. It tears my heart apart that he may never acknowledge that again and live the rest of his life resenting the fact that he ever married me.
No 2 x 4's to be given in my opinion. Much of what you have said, we've all felt or heard. I know I have.
You know the MLC'rs propensity to rewrite history. It sounds to me that is what he is doing here. He had no good, honest reason for doing what he did, so he made up shizbot.
As for pulling away from the kids at a certain age; I have seen that very same thing in several male acquaintences through the years, and they didn't leave their families. Just in their male mental set, there comes a time to 'put childhood things behind' and start being tough. It's a different age for everyone I've known. The kids are left a bit perplexed, but, they adjust to 'the new Dad'.
The re-writing of history is one of the most painful things, I've found. Things you considered cherished memories, are just 'things' all of a sudden. Places he was 'forced' to attend.
As much as you can, mentally armour yourself for the things to come, and remember what you know to be true. Don't try to change his pov, it's like talking to a rock, and only degrades the memory in it's true form. YOU know, and YOUR KIDS know; and somewhere deep inside where the sun never shines, SO DOES HE.
SA -no 2 x 4 from me either. Here are a couple of things that you may be interested to know. I have a very close male friend who went through a MLC, and he has given me a lot of insight into what they feel like. He has had a lot of therapy, and although he would like to reconcile with his wife, she does not want this. Anyway, he said he felt angry and resentful about his kids and his marriage and his wife, and totally trapped. He now sees it wasn't true, that it was other issues in his life that he 'blamed' on his wife and kids.
The other point is about a couple I know, [I have known the wife forever] where the husband's first wife had a MLC, and left. He married my friend around 20 years ago, and now realises he never dealt with his own abandonment issues over the first marriage. They nearly split up and are working hard on their marriage.
The final point is that my h having waited more than 3 years to begin divorce proceedings, then dragged them out for more than 2 years, and talked reconciliation during that time. We are now divorced, and as I said, it is actually a relief, although desperately hurtful at the same time. Nothing and no-one can make these people face their issues unless and until they are ready to do so
I do not think these people are OK at all, but the point is we have to go on living, and need all the help we can get. Love isn't a switch we turn on and off.
But thei rconduct is really no tthe way to deal with problems. If we are not happy in a relationship, it is mature and adult to share this, not to find someone else and start over.
You will be OK, but the rollercoaster ride isn't over yet.
