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2step,
Have another "adult beverage" for me, but please don't punch anything! HA!

I am bit behind, but I am just now catching up on your sitch. Yes, some good, some bad. Your progress still looks promising, but I think the flowers could have been a bit too much. Hey, it was a slip up and nothing more. Believe me, I have the www.ftd.com on my favorites and I look at it all the time. But, I know what will happen if I jump the gun. I am now declaring myself the understudy for you and Denver. You both seem to be a bit further down the road than I am, so I will be watching.

Hey, make this weekend a great weekend. Be there for your D and her happy day. Go out, do something for you and don't look back. If she calls or contacts, lay low. Give the situation some room to breath. Yes, I know that will be difficult considering it is fun to start reconnecting. Look at it this way... Have you ever varnished and lacquered a piece of furniture? If you do it right, you will end up with the most beautiful piece of furniture you have ever seen because the work will have been yours. But, if you rush it and don't let the varnish dry properly, or if you try to handle the piece before the lacquer is dry, you will end up with perfections in the piece. For the rest of your days, every time you look at that piece you will see the imperfections and it will annoy you. Your R is now that piece of unfinished furniture. Take some time, let the layers dry and harden and then move forward. You will be so proud of your work when it is finished!!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

2Step - It sounds to me that sending the flowers went just fine. I think that you and I are in a very precarious stage right now. We need to tread carefully so that we don't scare our W's off. We also need to be careful not to undetach so much that we get knocked back 2 steps with our emotional well being.

If you are like me, you are especially struggling with the patience part of this whole thing right now. The positives that I have seen recently have me wanting things to move more rapidly. We need to exercise patience.

Hang in there man!

BITS
Denver

FOBD came on the radio yesterday... song has always been good but I like it more now lol.

This thread needs to be stickied because it is the best example I have found of a specific outline (with a ton of conversation.) Reading how you handled the conversations really explained to me the concepts of *true* validation and I began to understand what I have been doing wrong. DB'ing and acting "as if" seemed so hard to me but knowing that you are going through the same crap that I am and are able to do it with such immediate positive results is just great.

I'm in Tulsa fwiw and the weather is AWESOME this weekend. Supposed to snow on Monday though lol.

Zen,

Thank you for joining us it's always nice for new people to show up and give insight. I appreciate it very much, and thank you for the words of encouragement. The quote was excellent!

FOBD,

How are you feeling? Thanks for stopping by again. I am feeling a little better today than yesterday. I preach and preach about expectations but then I set my own and get let down. Goes to show that this is a learning process and it is much easier to talk than to do. After the text from the flowers 0 contact. That's ok though because one of two things is happening right now. She is either overwhelmed by the contact and needs her space or she is thinking "what am I doing?" of course I hope for the second but it is probably the first.

Denver,

I believe the flowers made her smile and it had the desired effect. You are absolutely right we both right now are in a dangerous place. I believe that we are in a position that what we do now could be the make it or break it point.

What next,

Welcome also to the 2stepboogie saga of what to do and what not to do lol. Validating is important but my biggest fear has been that if I validate too much then I will just be strengthening her position and she would be more determine to go through with the D process. I felt if I validated she would be justified. MY DB coach advised me otherwise and she was right and I was wrong. It seems to really open up conversation with us even though I still have some doubts. Call me doubting Thomas. By the way the OM I had mentioned is from Tulsa lol.

I really appreciate all the feedback guys and really appreciate you guys sticking with me on this. I use a lot of quotes from my W and mine conversation so that I get real feedback based on actual words spoken.

Just checking in to let everyone know I will be heading to the Bday party location. Feeling a little disoriented right now the family is not complete. This is a moment to control my feelings and put my new found "detachment" to the test. I will report tonight and tell you how my day went.

I get behind on reading for 1 day and look what I miss! LOL

I don't need to echo everyone's words on the flowers, so I won't. Just be careful.

From a woman's perspective, all of you thinking of sending flowers who are in the precarious situation of your W's starting to turn around right now.... unless it's the single rose idea given to Denver for Valentine's Day only.... I think the rest of you need to be careful of flowers. Unless you were the type to never (I mean never) send your W flowers and your situation is such that flowers won't push her away... don't send flowers. Think about what your W has said, her complaints, etc. Really listen to what she said and what she needs. Because for a lot of women, flowers are a no-thought gift sent by men try to get whatever they want the woman to do. Not in ALL cases but let's face it... in a separation, she knows you want her back so wouldn't flowers usually not only perusing but insulting. How about a gift certificate to a spa for a massage (NOT a home made one from a massage from you!) or something that shows you care about her and it's not about you at all. Because why do men usually send flowers? A holiday, to apologize, to convince a woman to go out with them. Not saying this to 2step directly... posting this because seeing several men here talk about flowers. Just a girl's opinion here, wanting to warn and protect my BITS friends!

Today has been rough. The party was fun and the entire time the guest enjoyed themselves. On my way home it hit me that W is 1500 miles away while I am here being Mrs. Doubtfire.

We had a great conversation a few days ago. How nice. In the end does it really change anything? I look at the steps in order to reconcile and think to myself how can I get there? There is no face to face time. There is no "date" night to spark some romance. There is phone and some text. Why do I suffer for this person? Why do I stand for vows that only have real meaning to me? Is she worth it? Do they deserve such loyalty? Just by looking at it from a logistic stand point the chances of us getting back together are slim to none. Think about it...she would have to repack her life and move cross country. Not likely!

I don't know just had some stuff to get off my chest.

It's round but at least she can picture herself living in NJ. She can change her mind about living there she can change her mind back. Plus it seems like she makes it a point to say she hates her job and judging by my ability to get a job in Oklahoma I doubt that there is a ton of opportunity in ponca. It has been good for her to be with family but as sandy told me they can't replace the void that is missing from you not being there.

These are normal questions 2step.

And part of the process.

When we discover that this isn't something that will be fixed over night.

It is painful so make certain you know why you are doing it.

I know you came here to get your W back and it hasn't happened.

So

Now it doesn't look like you are going to get what you wanted when you want it.

Now what?

Well this is the tough part right?

You suffer because it isn't what you want.

She doesn't want what you want right now.

So why do it?

I found my answers.

Time for you to look for yours.

Your in OK?

it's funny when I told my C how she would never change her mind about coming back he said exactly what you just said. "really? She changed her mind about being with you forever." He's right and so are you.