Thank you for visiting my thread and for your input. I wish I had the magic solution for everybody, myself included, but you know well I do not.
About your H's 'nothing' I can share what works with my H: I ask, he says 'nothing' then I say 'OK, sit down with me for a while.' He relaxes, we have something to eat or drink or watch TV... then I kinda ask "you had a bad day, want to talk about it?' Open questions tend to work better than narrow ones. But I think what really does it is the relaxation time
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
First off my H and I both suck at communication. So take this with a grain of salt.
But if you read your post again and turn that around like someone is asking you all of those questions, especially, say if you were a bit down over something you didn't want to discuss right then, how would you feel?
I don't know if you H is big on conflict avoidance or not. But your interest and concern could feel like grilling to him. I say that because that is exactly how my H took my questions. Not how I intended them to come across at all.
On anger at OW, I still off and on find there is some anger left in me. Something Sage shared that has helped is when she starts thinking of OW, she visualizes slamming a lid on a box that OW is in and then throwing it out the window of a moving vehicle. Kind of a good feeling as you visualize it falling into an abyss. Just thought it might help you some. My H's OW was one of my best friends for like 15 - 16 years, so tough to deal with, and she lives in a town close to me. So believe me I understand your anger. But in the end, the only person all of that anger hurts is you, eats at you, and destroys your peace of mind and your possible chance at happiness. Don't give her that much power in your life.
{{{{{VelvetPear}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Same here, H's OW was my good friend, sometime best friend, of the last ten years... She had the gall to invite me over to her place when H was away on a trip, just before bombshell, when later I found flirting emails between them on his computer. SHE made the overture!
She lives in our town, has just left her husband etc. Even though she was the one to terminate the A, I feel H probably pines after her...
Read some good stuff on another site about how even intense emotional relationships are still ultimately affairs, as they take the emotional intimicay away from the marriage into another relationship. The woman advised us to ask ourselves, "Is this person a friend to my/our marriage?" But I guess in this age of "me first" most people ask if the person is their personal friend!
Do spouses who have affairs ever feel a pang of conscience? My H alledged he felt NO guilt towards me, when I told him to stop dumping on me and making projections for me and assumptions about me (some months ago) and I told him it was his guilt speaking.
Livnlearn (Newbie piecer, I think!)
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
She had the gall to invite me over to her place when H was away on a trip, just before bombshell, when later I found flirting emails between them on his computer. SHE made the overture!