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I don't think that I have. My posts are not showing up. At least not quickly like they were.

Oh, I see you in cue now. Have you received a response to your email?

Well, here's my update. I was feeling really good, actually excited, for a couple of days, now I feel crushed and unable to go on with this.

Here is what I wrote in my journal for 1/19/11

I left a bill in mailbox for W to pay with our Health Insurance Card since we only have one card and she has it. W has not had her mail forwarded so she picks it up from our mailbox every few days. I left a note asking her to fill out the info and mail it in for me. I was really specific on what I was asking her to do and she knows what our health ins card is and that she has the only one.

W called me regarding the bill this evening even though the note was pretty clear as to what I needed her to do. She asked me what I was talking about re the health ins card. I explained. We ended up having a 21 minute conversation about everything that has been going on in her life over the past week or so. It began with me asking her how things were going.
The coversation flowed very nicely. She had 4 shows last week and photoshoot all in addition to her teaching job. She has been very busy bc she is having money problems. In addition, she is starting a glee club at the middle school where she teaches. She seemed very excited while telling me about it.

I tried 2 times to end the conversation so that I'd be the one to do it, but she kept on talking. I finally ended it on my 3rd attempt.

This was the best conversation that she and I have had in months! There was no R talk nor were we conversing like two married people, but it was very friendly. I think that I may be moving into a good spot with at least being friends with W again. This feels exciting... like progress!

Baby steps!

1/20/11 - 1/21/11

NO CONTACT

1/22/11

text initiated by W

"any chance yo'd be willing to get my mail later and bring it when we meet? I can bring SS to you. I can meet you or drop him off around 5. Does that work?"

I waited about 3 hours to respond. I called her instead of texting her back.

We worked out where to meet for me to get SS.

I asked her if she was doing ok. She said that she was but was a little sick this weekend. Said that she baby sat her niece last night. I said, “I thought that you went ice skating with SS” (I had exchanged text msgs with SS last night and he said he was ice skating with W). She “no, that she hadn’t gone. That SS had gone with OM”. I said “who” and she repeated the name. I said, “oh, I see.... ok... well, I will let you go and see you in a while.”
---------------

This the first mention of OM in weeks. I think that I had myself convinced that that was over bc FIL had said he had not seen him around and bc W has been so busy that it didn't seem that she was making time for that.

This is a huge let down for me.

It is clear that EA with OM has progressed into R and probably PA as well. I am crushed by this realization.

She is just replacing me!!! It's like I was just some skirt that she wore out and went shopping for a new one.

Why am I doing this again??? Why am I going through this emotional torture for this woman???

maintaining hope is one of my goals... but I really feel hopeless right now.

PLEASE post this Virginia and Dbmod... I need some support right now. I am suppose to meet W to pick up SS in and hour and a half and feel like telling her to go to h*ll... that I am done!!

No dbmod. No response.

And I just received some really bad news re my sitch. I'm not doin well right now.

I just had a breakdown in a public place after I submitted my update. I had to go to the bathroom so people wouldn't see me cry. Even as I type this I'm having a hard time containing my emotions.

I feel so let down.

I let my hopes get up that things were getting better. Now, I realize that they are worse than ever. I let hope drive the train or whatever J3B's said not to do. I did it.

I don't know if I can keep doing this folks. I am emotionally exhausted.

^^^^^^^

I just saw this. I'm so sorry. Just go dark, regroup, and center.

Denver, it's just information. I know it feels gutwrenching. You are an incredible person, and you can do this. You will get through it.

(((Denver)))

I have not read your sitch but I know that the boards are slow on the weekends!

I truly feel your pain about your SS being with OM.

It is very hard to figure out the difference between hope and expectations. I have been at this for awhile and still haven't totally gotten rid of those expectations.

This is all about her right now...please just breath...pray...meditate...whatever it is you need to do...go back and read posts from others.

Hang in there!

Hey bud be easy!! Listen you have to remember when you have expectations you will often be let down by W because those expectations are based o. Your desire and not necessarily reality. When it comes to OM you have to decide what are your boundaries, but remember imagination is your worse enemy.

Take a moment to calm down and I agree that maybe you should go dark for a bit. That is what I'm doing and it [censored]! At the end of the day what ever will be will be! When you see really be calm. Remember it's a chess game right now be one step ahead!

Still on my iPhone cause I'm still away so if I messed up some words sorry. It takes too much effort to fix

I meant when you see her remember to be calm and act happy. This is important. I do a lot of replaying after every interaction and I've realized acting happy always gets me better results. Easier said than done