Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Looking for the light at the end of my tunnel...

SA,

I talked to recently divorced ( within the last 2-5 years) friends, friends of friends. This is a fairly small area. I was referred to an attorney in Nashville, AR ( about 3 hrs. away) I called his office, and he actually got on the phone and spoke to me. He was very nice. Explained that the bills of driving alone would make the D extravagant in cost. He then referred me to a local lawyer, who he considered as equally adequate to handle the job. I took his advice, as the lawyer I've always used for 'little things' is somewhat lax.

I know it surprised the H out of my H when I didn't use the same old same old. He didn't see that coming, and had already retained the services of someone even I tried to tell him was not a good lawyer. Of course that just made me "Miss Know-It-All" He knows it now. Good Luck.

Hey Sa, as usual, I agree with Snodderly.

I did just what you wanted to do early on and it was like talking to cardboard. Actually got him pissed.

I have recently sent him an email. Just to tie things up and say some things that I have been wanting to say, For me, not for him.

I told him I didnt expect nor want a response, that it was for closure.

He responded kindly. I posted some of it on my thread.

I felt better having done it. But you are not far enough away from it to do it, in my opinion.

You will know when the right time is. Til then, concentrate on you and your kids.

One day at a time, my friend.

SA,

You know what goes on around here alot, and you have asked me questions often. Which I always try to answer to the best of my ability.

Snodderly is correct. The time will come. You may not even be the one who brings it up. I wasn't. Her time frame is also correct based on my own experience. I don't believe that it is something that I shared with anyone really.

I am not going to elaborate here other than to agree with B, it gave me final closure. And then he jumped feet first back into the rabbit hole. So I don't doubt that there may be another conversation down the road.

Thank you dear Brook and Cat.

Cat, I've leaned on you a lot and you've always been patient and kind. You know what's in my heart, it has been laid wide open to you on more than one occasion. I've always been blessed and grateful for your gentle ways of handling it. I also appreciate a good 2 x 4 when necessary.

I just feel an overwhelming sense of loss to see how 28 years of M can be disposed of so easily and without a glance back. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it.

Right now it's time to shift gears and get on with the business side of the D. H will not be happy with about which I'm going to do. Guess that will make two of us.

Hi SA - As you know we are on about the same time line...I could be hit with the D papers at any time, even though H so far didn't mentioned the D word. But having to do the legal SA is close....tearing apart all that we have built together...Once we are legally separated...the D papers are really just a formality...

I too feel overwhelming sense of loss and can't comprehend how my sweetie could become what/who he is now....sometimes I tell myself...almost 50% of marriages fall apart...many other people go through this then build a new life and are happy...well that's my plan...If I can't be happy with him, I'll be happy without him...

Hang in there SA...you will make it through this (((((hugs)))))

Thank you for your support Mila.

I never thought I'd have to protect myself from H as we've always protected each other. Right now, H seems to be out for himself as the D settlement papers indicate. They came in the mail yesterday and I definitely need a lot of questions answered.

If I find out what he's proposing is fair, I'll back off and he'll have his D. If it's not, then I'll get as close to fair as I can.

I agree that I'll be happy without him, but I'll always carry him in my heart. He can't take that away from me.

(((Hugs)))

If you haven't already, please read the book 'From abandonment to healing' I was recommended it several times, and now wish I had read it sooner. It is written by a therapist who was abandoned by her long term partner, and realised how little help there is for people who have beeen abandoned, how devastating it is, and WHY we feel that way, and what we can do to help ourselves recover and grow. It is a fabulous book.

It won't 'take your love away' but it will help to process the hurt,

I have walked in your shoes, right through the unreality of being divorced by the love of your life, and it is devastating. Oddly enough when it is over there is a sense of relief. The worst really has happened, and we can move forward. From now on it only gets better for us, believe me [and usually worse and worse for the poor MLCer, who has got what they thought they wanted] But that isn't actually our problem.

Seeking


SA, I am so sorry that you are feeling this ^^^^ way. IMO, try not to look at it as 28 years of M disposed of rather look at it as 28 years of good times, bad times and growth. You and your H have a lot of history together that should not and will not just be disposed of. Nothing can take away the good times. Cherish them for what they were.


Yes…at this point you must look at it as a business transaction. IMO, always operate with dignity, class and respect. Remember no one wins here! No one. Determine what YOU want for YOU and then stay focused on that – everything else is just par for course. Stay true to YOU at all times. And please….do not let guilt drive any of your choices.


He can be all for himself…in the end the two attnys will sort it out and/or a judge. Do not be afraid SA! Do not be afraid to stand for what YOU believe in…just make sure that you are not trying to do something with the intent to get him to “understand or face his demons”.


SA….take the time to absorb and feel all of this. Do not rush it. The legal process can be very frustrating. Make sure that you pick a L that will work for YOU and your interest. You also want to make sure that the L is available to you. I would also be very careful about how much of a retainer you provide. I have found that the more or a retainer you give the more you get charged.


I second this ^^^^ a great book. Some of what is covered in this book is covered in the DR / DB books but I did find the book to be an eye opener.

Sending you hugs ((((SA))))

God Bless,
Eric

Thank you Beatrice and Eric for your support.

I'm waiting for a call back from a highly recommended attorney. He was in court when I called. I'm thinking I won't hear from him until Monday as it's past 5:00 on a Friday night.

In my state the one who makes the most money pays the lawyers regardless of who files. Since H makes 5x's what I do, his D is on him.

The way the D proposal reads H is still very much under the impression that we will be using the same L. H will not be happy. This is H's problem though.

I have that book. I just haven't settled in to reading it yet. I'm having a slight problem focusing right now as my mind keeps churning.


This right here Beatrice is exactly how I'm feeling. The pain is immense and I can do nothing except accept the reality of it.

Hugs to you. Try the book in tiny chunks - it really really deals with where we are and have been at in this. It isn't just words, there are things to do. The living in the moment exercises take you out of yourself.