Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Losing my motivation....need some advice quick...

Greeting my forum friends. Well, today I had to contact my H after us both being dark since 11/5/10. I had to contact him about some insurance reimbursement checks that I have not yet recv'd since November. They go to him because he is the policyholder. I contacted him via email. I kept everything very business like. Here's the email exchange....

Me to H: It looks like there are 5 or so outstanding reimbursement checks from Aetna that you should have recv'd. Can you kindly drop them in the mail them to me if you haven't already? Also, I'm sick and may need to go see Jim. Am I still insured?

H to Me: Yes, you are still insured until after the divorce is final.
I have 2 of the checks. The problem is that I moved and have been trying to get the mail that went to my last apt.
You may have to have Aetna re-issue the other checks. I'll send the two that I have though. Sorry, my life has been extremely hectic over the past few months. Feel better.

Me to H: Ok, thanks for the info. If I have to have Aetna reissue the checks, they will need me to give them your new addy because since you are policyholder, the checks will always be routed through you. I hope I feel better too - thanks

No response after that. I just went into a major tailspin today. I am so afraid to contact my H even for things like this. My hands we shaking when I went to open the email response from him. I had NO idea that he moved again. This will be the 3rd time since 2/6/10. When he first moved out he moved into an apt who's tenants illegally sublet (that lasted 2 mos) and then in May he had gotten his own Studio apt in NYC He had told me he signed a years lease and that he loved his apt. I believe that he is still in NYC and I'm not sure why he moved, where exactly he moved and possibly who's he moved in with. When he first left, as far as I knew, there was OW. Now, not so sure. I have been upset by this all day.

I have been trying to stay focused and using by DB techniques even tho my D is emminent. I've told my H enough times before we went dark and not being pushy that I do not want this D (just agreeing to this on paper) and that the door is open. He always says TY.

I will never have an understanding as to why this D has to happen at all. I am running out of time when the D will be final. My plan was to still DB even tho the D was happening no matter what. At this juncture should I stand down? This is so painful and a part of me feels like I should give up yet another part of me doesn't. I have ALOT of people say he will have regret. How can a WAS/MLC'r be so damn cavalier about leaving their marriage like it was just a speedbump in the road? Like so a matter of fact. I don't understand how a person can be so unfeeling.

Please help me my forum friends.

(((zengypsy)))

I am going to tell you what Michelle does in her book. It's not over until YOU want it to be over. In the meantime perhaps an insight I had today would help you.

It came home to me, that I'm allowing my H's actions and words affect how I feel day to day. That's an awful lot of power I'm handing to him, and a lot of opportunity he has to hurt me if I allow him to.

95% of any person's behaviour that hurts me is UNINTENTIONAL.

That's a lot I can choose take offence at!
My H and yours really are not considering how their behaviour is affecting us, they are REACTING, not really thinking or choosing consciously.

I really need to focus on MY behaviour, MY words and MY thoughts. I choose how I act, speak, think. Feelings change from minute to minute feel them but they will pass. What matters is my goal. What matters are the choices I make.

That is really good advice. I needed to read that tonight so I hope that it helps you too zengypsy.

I understand it and will weight that advice heavily. I am welcome to more advice too - the more the better it bumps me back on the road that I need to stay on.

Zeng - You have to look into your heart, mind and soul to see if it is over for YOU. I have read many times on this site that if DBing is not working, that we will reach point where we know that it is over for us.

If you choose to continue on, your H is going to have to reach that point that your friends talk about where he regrets his decision. Otherwise, I'm afraid that nothing is going to change. How do you help him get there? Very tough question.

My advice is to try to get back into his life as his friend. If you are his friend, it won't be so weird if you want to keep DBing if the D become final in february. And maybe that will help make him realize the mistake that he is making. It does not sound like going dark is working for you. At least to me that's how it sounds. If something isn't working, you've got to change what you are doing.

To start with, I'd suggest that you call him next time rather than email him. I know that it is nerve racking and scary for you to contact him at all right now after so much dark time, but I think that him hearing your voice would be better than receiving a text or email. And when you do speak with him you can start small by just asking him how he is, how his family is, what he is up to etc. But bottom line is that you need to be the person who he fell in love with in the first place.

Gypsy, hugs girl. Sorry I wasn't on-line last night to respond.

When I DB'd for my 1st marriage, I DB'd for 2 years. He left me for OW. I went dark for a year. I tried an occasional, happy e-mail to open up communication. I tried being nicer and being his friend. I tried every 180 in the book. He was cavalier too, had tunnel vision of his life, his wants, his needs. 10 yrs of marriage meant zip to him. He moved around the first year before he moved in with OW. Years later I learned, he did regret it all. He left her too. He's still lost.

Why am I telling you all this? Because this is what I learned, looking back now:

- Moving around meant nothing. He was irresponsible all the way around. Finances, living arrangements, etc. Not just with me.

- All his relationships suffered (family, friends). They dealt with his confusion, selfishness too.

- Going dark for a year was a big mistake. Out of sight, out of mind. It was good for me, I needed the distance. But not in DB. Not for that long. Months would've been enough.

- D is just a piece of paper. But I PANICKED big time right before it became final. I felt like it was my last chance. I reacted just how he expected me - panicked and desperate and reaching out. When it was just a piece of paper. Thankfully, I kept it together enough that he didn't see me panicked.

Denver gave you some good advice. But find a way to do it so that the timing isn't perceived as panic stricken reaching out. Do you have papers to go through? Photos to divide? A real reason to speak to him? Maybe meet for coffee when you pick up the checks?

Breathe. You will make it through this.

Hey Zen, I just saw your posts on my thread. Sorry I missed them earlier.

I have to agree with you on the SELFISH H's. I was pretty sure I was married to the most selfish man in the world. Reading in here lets me know I am not alone, and neither are you.

I read through your posts here and it looks like you got some real good advice. i hope something helps for you!

Gypsy,

If going dark is not working for you, then try some contact. Perhaps an email every so often when yu find something he would enjoy or find funny.

The "friends" thing is wierd for me. I know that if you aren't friends, well...
But, I think that them saying they want to be friends is just their way of defining what you won't be.



Has this changed?



You stand down if and when you are ready. Which part of you has the stronger voice? Do you want to give up b/c you don't want to look like a fool? If you are thinking about this (and I have alot over time), consider that looking/feeling foolish is just one perspective. What do you believe about you?



He may have regrets and you may never know. That's just the reality of all of this. As far as his being unfeeling and cavalier, if he is MLC, his world is messed up. Either way, I think most of them hurt more than we know and running is all they can think of to get away from the pain. As hard as it is and as angry as it can make you at times, try to look on him with some compassion. This isn't easy, but IMO it is ultimately worth it.

In the mean time, what are you doing to take care of you?

HUGS

Hey everyone- Sorry for the super delay in keeping up with my own thread. I have been sick with Bronchitis all week long and had no desire to even turn the computer on.

You guys have all offered me some wonderful advice and I thank you for taking the time to respond.

Denver, Hope, Wanda and Grace: I would like to be friends, it's just hard and I can't seem to bridge that gap no matter what I do. Sp maybe he just was saying that and never really meant it. Going dark worked in the early stages (I didn't even realize that I was doing it because I did not own DR at the time) But I think that out of sight, out of mind mentality kicks in at some point. I don't think there's anything you can do when that happens other then let it take it's course.

Grace just to answer your questions in a little more detail:

I don't know how to answer your first ? - It depends on the day you ask it. Most days I still feel like I will continue to DB even tho I will be D'd. He is the love of my life, my soulmate een tho I am apparently not his.

I have never felt like fool fighting for my marriage or even when I tell people that I will move on but not give up they think I am crazy. I want to be the greener grass in the end. Did I just answer my own question?!

I do have empathy for him. I know he is a lost soul and is trying to find his way thru this thing (total MLC'r I think) in his own way. I mean for his own brother to say to me my H has deep rooted issues that he needs to work thru says alot. He's never said anything like that before. And he also feels my H will have regret.

And what am I doing to take care of me....just trying to keep busy. I have good friends and some family; not immediate as all mine have passed away and I am an only child. I have you all here on the boards to keep me going too. I read, go out when i can, get a mani/pedi every now and again, retail therapy etc.

I was going to a great therapist but insurance has forced to me discontinue with her because of a much higher out of network deductable. That has been hard because I know I still need her help. At the same time, I feel lucky to have been able to go to her as long as I did. My H has quite the upper hand at the moment and I think feels empowered for the first time; filed for the D, carries the insurance (my job doesn't offer any so once the D is final I will be uninsured and I suffer from Asthma). He doesn't realize this new "persona" he has taken on has made him very selfish. But hey, that's what happens when you have an MLC; being a narcissist is what it's all about.

If he is involved with an OW at this juncture, I know it will be short lived. You can only live the facade for so long and the utopia he is seeking isn't out there. Perhaps he will see when the D dust settles that the utopia he seeks was his home all along. He knows that the door is open; I've told him to his face and thru a letter.

Please keep me going my friends. I really, really need your support.

--edited by dbmod personal contact not allowed

dbmod - looks like thread is getting buried in the trenches. Anyway you can rotate it more to the first or second page? I really need the support. I appreaciate anything you could do to bump it.