"she will think it is the book and not you making the changes."
When you are changing as a person, it will not be natural for a while... Your W will be confused because this is not the Shaves she knows. My W would always say things like "your just doing what those people tell you to do" and "that's what you read out of a book" It doesn't sound authentic originally. This is where consistency comes into play. You do have to be very aware of your words and actions. You have to fake it till you make it.
W said that to me last night, "You haven't changed, you're just following some rules from some book". But, I know I have changed. I would recommend hiding it.
I have given up the bed though. I felt it was my gift to her, to give her "space", even though she's offered once or twice for me to have it.. I tell her that I respect her wanting space right now.
Me-37 W-37 Married-14 SS17, D11, S5 Bomb: 12/13/10 WAW one foot out the door.
ok guys. I think I have been doing an ok job. She is on the couch or in the basement, but she is smart. She knows she is the one leaving and accepts the fact she gets the doghouse. I am trying to be the new me. Lost seven pounds already. (mainly due to the fact my appitite is non-existant) I do really good at work during the day, detaching, and so on. It is a roller coaster though.
She is extremely self centered right now. Doing things with friends that have no responsibilities. I feel she is even cutting the kids way short on "mommy time" i have not told her I feel this way though. Perhaps in time she will come down from cloud nine and realize what she has. This DB site is the best therapy I could ask for. I need to be consistant, find the silver lining in everything and be a good friend to her. She knows I feel guilty for my past actions and I do understand why she feels the way she does. I have told her this. We don't talk about the future weeks ahead when we are together at all.
I am taking the kids out of town for the weekend and she has a baby shower and other events going in the cities. When we parted ways this morning, she asked do you want a hug? I was reluctant, but I accepted. She pulled me in and gave me a kiss. What the hell is that! Is she trying to see if I am weak? What makes me wonder is she always asks "want a hug?" never just giving it. It makes it feel like a trap. I just want to hold her forever, but I make it short. What should I do in these situations? We never say I love you or anything like that, since she broke the separation news. When the kids ask "why are you sleeping on the couch all the time?" she says because she is stuffed up, or "daddy was couhging too much"
Well, shaves ... a lot of your story is the same as mine.
I'm 31 yrs old. I have one daughter, who is almost 2. And my wife decided that she needed to separate as a stepping point to divorce and she is going to look at apartments tomorrow.
Everything told you above by Denver, and FOBD, and tjack and others is correct. Just worry about you. Enjoy your kids ... they're amazing aren't they? Be happy around your wife even if you don't want to. Enjoy life. Go for a walk .... when you feel like the world is closing in on you and this is a disaster that will end your life .... go somewhere ... take the kids for a drive, take them to the park ... just change your location for a bit. This won't kill you ... but our caveman brains can't distinguish between actual life threats (a sabre tooth tiger, will kill you) and the fear of your wife leaving you (won't kill you)
Always be sunny when she is around and act confident ... cry on your own time if you want. As time goes you will want to cry less and less.
DETACH .... you REALLY can't control what your W does. We tried that didn't we? Did it work? Nope, she's gotta find her own road. Don't expect anything from her and you won't be disappointed. Don't ask for sex ... don't try to kiss her ... pretend she's a nice roomate. The less you expect, the less you will feel disappointment.
Any hobbies you have thought about but haven't done? Going for a run is free ... and when you run (I lift weights) you feel like a man again. Not a kid that is being abandoned by somebody you trusted.
We're in this with you. As FOBD said ... we are BITS (brothers in the sh*t).
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
"She pulled me in and gave me a kiss. What the hell is that! Is she trying to see if I am weak? What makes me wonder is she always asks "want a hug?"
Shaves this is script for walk aways... I'll give an example in my sitch. Wife initially tells me to move on (she already had) and says I should date so and so.... So I take my kids and so and so and her kids out for a day at an indoor playground. W finds out about it, flips her lid.. tells me she hopes I'm a good dad to so and so's kids.......
Later in the sitch... we get together and talk about splitting up assets.... We talk all day.. by this time I am happy and ready to move on with my life. I am cocky talking about who I'm going to date.... By the end of the day she was making out with me and said she hadn't felt that way about me in a long time...
Closer to divorce.... She goes through my drawer and finds condoms.... Keep in mind she has been in an affair for at least 6 months already... She calls me, and absolutely flies off the handle....
I don't know if your W is having an affair, but the texting, facebooking, and the "move on" and other statements that you mention does point to the presence of another man...
The reason she hugged and kissed you is because she wants to be in control... She may feel you slipping out of her grasp.. People only "want" what they can't have... They want it even more when it is just out of their grasp....
Keep working on yourself... You don't want her in control... She obviously doesn't have the best interests of the marriage in mind. The moment you actually let go is when YOU finally take CONTROL.. My advice would be to politely decline the next hug saying "I don't think that is a good idea given our situation" Of course every melty man hear would KILL to have some affection from their spouse, but in reality it only shows how weak you are... Show her that you are in charge, you decide what is best for you... yep you will miss out on some much needed love, but you will GAIN an enormous amount of RESPECT... Remember divorce busting isn't about what makes sense, it's about doing what works... Being in control of yourself WORKS
Shaves, I met my dream woman tonight... Spitting image of Brooke Burke..... I am seeing her again next thursday and really going to try and work the magic... Life is good... For all of you scared of Divorce... Don't worry... Plenty o fish in the sea.
Shaves, I was just thinking about expanding on your "counter intuitive approach" and casting some doubt in her thinking. What do you think she would say if YOU found her a place to live? EG.. Hey W.. I was looking in the classifies this morning and I found a really nice place over on 2nd street. Wanna go check it out?..(all this acting excited for her move out).. You have to be strong on this one, and not get concerned on the outcome.... She WANTS to move anyways right? I guarantee she will question that decision once you are on board with it as well. Most people don't have the balls to say these kinds of things because they are so petrified by fear.... Worst case she moves... That's what she was going to do anyways... So by you finding her a place, you show how confident and strong you are... and it absolutely BUILDS respect because you are no longer scared to be without her.... It SHOWS how much you have changed...think about it.
Shaves, Be careful of that hug request. Do you know why she asked? She wanted to hear you say that you wanted it. Your recent changes may have her wondering. So, she offers physical contact to see what your level of desire is for it. So, next time she asks you if you want a hug, smile, look her in the eyes and give her this reply, "Do you want to give me one?" You see, know she has to admit that she wants the contact. Be prepared, you could get a bunch of different answers. But at least you not having to openly admit you want contact and giving her the feeling that she can control the physical contact in your R. Do you agree?
B.I.T.S.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
"So, she offers physical contact to see what your level of desire is for it. So, next time she asks you if you want a hug, smile, look her in the eyes and give her this reply, "Do you want to give me one?"
Asking her "do you want to give me a hug" is not a good DB approach if you ask me. To me it is simply more of the same behavior which got shaves here in the first place. Women want a strong man who is decisive..... Look at your response to what she asking... W - shaves do you want a hug? S - do you want to give me a hug?
Guys, you both have valid points. Tjack, yours is alot harder to execute. W saw our C today, 3rd time by herself. havent heard from her, dont know if i should ask about it. She will call tonite from her work to check on children. I am readin DR right now. This is going to be a hard road. Got weak this morning and gave hug. Must stop this. Someone posted give unconditional love, but i cant be strong and do this at the same time. One thing i have done is told her that I am going to finish a bathroom and a bedroom in the basement for a roommate. Hoping she will get the hint I dont need her, or her income. This should also keep me even more busy in the meantime. She made some poor decisions regarding spending time with the kids last weekend. As tactfully as I could I made my opinion clear. I think this was a mistake. She began crying and worrying that I am going to try to get full custody, and so on. Obviously she is still planning on the move out. What do I do when she is putting her personal satifaction in front of the kids' needs time and time again? This is very uncharacteristic of her. She has changed in the head. I miss my wife. I am trying to make the best decisions here but still alot of gray.
