Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need advice please!!! Not sure on next move?

Hi dixiegal,

The best advice I can give you is to focus. It does seem to be a theme throughout all the years you have been on and off the board. Conflicting advice is hard to navigate through--you don't want to neglect one option, you're not sure which will work best. But bits and pieces here and there, can make you (the generic you) ineffective.

So--you said you have the books, I can work with you if you choose. I'm thinking of working through the steps in DR on that forum. If you have DB, I could choose DB instead, or just with you--I've done a few years worth of Keeping Love Alive. I think it would help you just to focus.

So--to that end--IF you're 'IN'--empty your 'expert' mind. You have a LOT of marriage materials in your head. If you have gaps on the board, and you're seeing a counselor, you've also read LOTS of other materials. Some are good, some aren't so good.

So let's focus, again, IF you're in--you might not be:

Beginning with the mind of a beginner--what are your preconceived ideas about love and marriage?


What are your feelings about conflict and the relationship to your marriage--what did your H express about this? Was he ok with it, or did it make him feel inadequate, or other?

What are you and your H's definitions of love? If they are pretty dissimilar, what is the impact you feel it should have on yoru marriage?

What were your feelings about unresolved issues in your marriage?



Dix-
I'll just begin with those until I find your level of commitment to the process.
sg

dix-

In answer to your most immediate question--No one has an absolute answer--just pick one! LRT or ask the question. It isn't magic. It isn't one answer for the universe, it's what works for YOU. My first thought, since you had him leave is to do the LRT.

If you can't, do as your counselor suggests. If it works, great, if it doesn't, go dark, and I mean pitch black and work through the DR process. But don't try to do both at the same time.

If you pick a weekend -- many folks here have tried Retrouvaille. I know very little about it, but I know it was started in the Catholic Church, and has some of the same dynamics as Marriage Encounter, and Engaged Encounter, which I knew well.

Let us know what you choose so we can support you either way.

Oops--just read your last post, I posted slightly too soon.

Just go dark and don't worry what his words were a few weeks ago. Make him miss you. You are so sweet as we can see on the board--I'm SURE he will.

Thanks Yall! Hope everyone has had a great day...

@sg, I got over and forgave my H for the affair sometime ago. My resetfulness came from his constantly saying he could not come home. Because, he 1) couldnt forgive himself for all the crappy things he did to me. 2) he didnt want to come home because he was scared he would leave again and did want to hurt me like that ever again.

What I've learned through all this is I want to be my H partner, his help mate, friend, cheerleader....I don't want to be the boss or call the shots. I want my H to lead our home. My resentment came from....I forgave him and was scared of getting hurt...but, I loved him enough the real him to take a chance. So, when he always said the same thing yet spent week after week with me, vacations, holidays, birthdays etc....it grew...I turned from my relationship from GOD and let the anger fester!

I would think YOU have done all this and YOU cant love me enough to take a chance on me and us????

Until I blew a few days before Christmas and he walked....H and I once did a exercise in what we wanted in a partner. It was the SAME! Which confused me and the C even more. Because, he wouldnt make a move to come home and do the work...

The last month or so, he started saying things and etc. That now I look back on it was in the right directions. But, my resentment didnt allow me to see it.

So, I've been working on letting that go. In the last few days, I feel like load has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel happy even some days...crazy odd! Today, I even felt a peace a bit.

I want to save my marraige. But, I also realize that I have to use this time in my life as a oppty. for me to grow. To be better.

I would love to do the DB with you. That would mean a lot to me! So, let's get started!!!!

To my DB ing family...cause we are all family now...I praying for us everyday....GOD has our backs!

Just confirming--you have DB instead of DR, right? I will do whichever you prefer. I started DR on the forum and will continue that....I'll do DB on a separate thread here, if you wish.

I have both...which would you suggest is best for now? I was thinking DR?

I agree

DIVORCE REMEDY

So, just got off the phone with the C. Not from DBing. But, the author of save my marraige.

Anyways, he said a lot of things to that made sense. He explained the why to a Man having a affair. What is #1 to a Man and what matters to us gals.

He even said, Your past is not your future. Once you believe that you can move forward.

What we didnt get to is...what do I do now? I understand what I did wrong/what he did wrong. How we were on the road and kept having head on collisons w/each other.

But, once the Man has made his mind up to go and does. Then what???

Geez, I hate when that happens...you feel like things are making sense. Then, TIMES UP!

One thing I wanted to share was this...he said, "A Woman can't trust a Man who is off centered". MEN this is true!!! When us gals have to take the reins. We hate it!!! But, we will do it. But, its hard for us to respect/trust our Man again. Then, the resentment starts.

Don't know if that helps anyone...but, thought I'd pass it on.

Well, H should be making contact in the next day or so to pick up Dog. Yall pray for me!

UPDATE:

Okay, So H just texted me said the following:

"I'm gonna come pick up the Dog Thursday. Should be about the sme time. Please leave ur lock unlocked for me. Hope you had a great time with her. I'm sure she has enjoyed it".

Soooo, clearly he wants me to not be there. Hence, the just leave the top lock undone. (So, I can get in/out without seeing you?)

So, I have not answered...what should I say???? How should I handle this???? How can he miss me if he NEVER sees me???

I need yall's thoughts quick please!