Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives W Left almost 3 months ago

Denver,

I agree 1000%. I have told my family to stay clear this is between W and me. Earlier I was venting right after a convo and thought maybe somebody else had a different perspective.

I thought Hope was a member also....

Huh?

I think you were FANTASTIC in that conversation 2step. Atta boy!

Somebody that was sure they wanted to divorce you wouldn't be asking who you were with. Keep it light, keep it fun, and keep it mysterious. BTW, I feel like she deserves to live on Taco Bell .... lol.

BITS ...... when you're a BITS, you're not alone. When your WAS is trying to take control, to tell you that YOU HAVE to do THIS or THAT .... or you are debilitated by fear that your marriage and your life are falling apart. You're not alone. We are with you. And we are all going to survive this. I think it was hope that said we're all on the same roller coaster ... so let's hold hands and SCREAM :-)

Sandi,

What I meant is that up until now she initiates the end of the conversation. I always hang around too long. Today I ended the conversation and it felt good to have just a little control over something so small. I tried to end it twice but she kept asking questions. Once I felt some silence I told her I appreciated the fact that she called but I had to get back in the restaurant.

2Step,

I think that I have some of the same fears that you do about hardening my heart, but at the end of the day, it's time to live for ourselves and ride it out the way that we see fit. We cannot worry about "what if's" right now. We need to live the day and try to be better.

Your W absolutely believes she is in control. I think, though, you are yanking it back and I couldn't be more proud of you!!!! Someone needs to introduce her to reality and the fact that if she decides to go through with this divorce, you will still be okay and will live a great life. You don't need her to be happy. You would like her to be happy, but that's a whole different matter altogether.

Keep it up!!!! So proud!

Well gang here is the new update.....

D called W to complain about me. lol W called back and spoke to her and then hung up. A few minutes later she called my cell but I was on the other line. I quickly answered and told her if I could call back I was tied up on the other line. I called back and no answer.

A few minutes later she calls and said "Sorry i was on the other line with sister"

My usual way of telling my story.....

W " What are you up to"

M "just catching up on some work. How are you?"

W "good. D said if she was sick you were sending her to school anyways lol"

M "I think she might be over reacting"

Some more pleasantries were exchanged and then...

M " I went and got some cupcakes for her B-Day tomorrow to take to school"

W "wow you made cupcakes"

M "Oh No I bought them"

W "oh that's good she asked if I could make her a cake"

M " yeah she said the same to me I told her I am sure W will make you a cake some day"

W " LOL wow that comment was loaded with sarcasm"

M " I know it's hard to believe but not everything out of my mouth is sarcasm or trickery. You might try believing it you might be surprised"

W " LOL Maybe I don't know. I will call tomorrow to wish her a happy Bday."

M "thank you, that is appraciated have a goodnight then"

W "oh....ok.....goodnight then"

As you can see it was mostly little talk but I like to journal it here so that I can come back to it and keep track.

I got to tell you guys I want to be friendly but the sound of her voice reminds me how hurt I am. Sometimes she sounds so happy I think to myself "who is this woman and how can she erase us so quickly" I think in her mind I am kicking my a$$ on a daily basis for letting her slip away and it gives her some satisfaction to know that I am learning just how important she was to me. She is right. Where she is wrong is that I am going to do my absolute BEST to never let her know that I am miserable.

Oh another part of the conversation I almost forgot

W "is your mom back from FL yet?"

M "yeah she came back on Sunday. I went to go say hello today"

W "went to say hello? what do you mean?"

M "she lives with brother now."

W "she does? hmm?"

M "yeah I'm pretty sure I had mentioned that before. Let me think.....Yeah I did lol"

That was it.

THIS WILL NOT DEFINE ME

Thanks Lost,

All we can do is learn from each other and hopefully make less and less mistakes as time goes on

2Step - Are you a court reporter or something?? How do you make a transcript of a telephone call while you are having it?? I also like to journal my conversations with W as accurately as possible here on my thread, but can't do that with telephone or face to face conversations.

Sounds like you are doing great DBing and acting "as if"... this is all important to what you are trying to do.

BITS
Denver

2step,
I wish I had some cool words of wisdom here, but I am battling the same thing. W now all of a sudden wants to be friends. So, I have DB'ed my backside off, but I am still confused as ever. But, regardless of what she is doing, you should keep it up. I am glad you decided to keep your mother out of it. That may not have gone well. My mother has insisted on talking to my W, but I am afraid she will crack. I am afraid that she might get emotional and confess to my W that I am a wreck. That would be about as opposite of DB'ing as I could get. So, I have kept her out of it for now.

Keeping family out of it can be hard. My W and my younger sister were best friends. My W and I started dating when my younger sister was 7. She immediately took to my W because she had two older brothers and no sisters. They used to do everything together. When my sister was in high school, my W would host sleepovers for my sister and her friends and they would hang out. They really were best of friends. But since my W walked out, my sister has turned on her. She has cut off all communication and doesn't respond to her on FB. My W cried about that last week to me. She wanted to know how my sister could do that to her. I responded, "(name), she watched you walk out on her brother. How do you think she was going to respond?" That is now a whole different mess I am dealing with. Morale of the story... keep moms out of the mess.

One other thing. I know that some of the others on here might get on me for saying this, but here it is. If you find yourself thinking that you want the D and you are ready to move on, there is nothing wrong with that. When you were married, you and your W were ONE. She left. Now you are one and you should be the most important one to you with the exception of your D. If you feel like you want to walk away and you are happy with the effort that you have put in and you are know that you will not regret walking away because you did your best, there is nothing wrong with taking the initiative to end it. You have to take care of you and if you want a D and you want to move on, do it! She can always come running back to you later. I know this sounds crazy, but this really is all about you and your D now that your W has walked. You are not the guilty one here. And I am not pushing toward a D. I am just saying that you should not feel guilty about having those thoughts. Sounds like you might be starting to heal a bit faster than some of us on here, including me. You only get one trip on this merry-go-round. Do what is best for you!!!

Keep posting and keep your head up. You are a B.I.T.S. and B.I.T.S. never walk alone...

The only easy day was yesterday!

FOBD

FOBD,

My problem is I am having a hard time distinguishing from detachment and not giving a crap! As I say that I booked some more sessions with my DB LOL. Talk about confused. I do get angry sometimes. I think of it this way. If I love someone I can be hurt and leave still loving them but if I see an effort and real changes then why wouldn't I try again my only conclusion is there is no love. Am I wrong? Healed? Not even close, although I have made it 3 days without crying that in itself is amazing.

I would love to save my marriage but as you know I am in such disadvantage. Even if I was to get a call from her saying "hey come to OK for a weekend so that we can just hang out and talk a little" I would fly out with no problems. Seeing each other would do some good but this is just miserable. There is no answer for how long one should hurt but after three months hope is starting to vanish and that makes me very sad. How do i let go with love?

Truth is I don't think I can be friends with a woman I love so much. What are we suppose to talk about "so how is your new boyfriend doing? Oh that's great I am so happy you love him so much" I just don't see it