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I've heard good and bad on the moving out. For some people it is an important step before getting back together. For others, it is final. If you can do a month to month lease, and not lock into a long time commitment to the apartment, I think it would be better. Definitely try to get to the dialoguing. The questions don't need to be big ones. Maybe just "How do I feel on days we don't talk?" or "How do I feel about our date nights?" then you can work up to "How do I feel about living separately?"

That's good advice Lotus. thanks again for checking in on me! I told W about the site with the lifetime dialog questions and she was amazed (35000 questions or so). She said she'd be ready to start these when the depression starts lifting. Hopefully soon.

It's funny, when we were separated the 2nd half of last year, I think we grew closer and started piecing towards Nov/Dec. Some of W's fog started clearing, at least a little, and she could admit she loved me deep down. We had started getting a little physical (no ML though ) which helped fill my love buckets and I was able to DB pretty well. A couple of big mistakes on my part moved us back some, but things were slowly moving forward.

We both agreed a six month lease would be best for now. Only problem is that we live in a huge college town, so a lot of the leases are designed for students Aug-May. Might have to sublease if one of the apts I looked at falls through.

I've decided to go get some flowers and a card for Vday tonight. Probably not roses, but something semi-romantic, at least friendly. We both believe Vday is more of a Hallmark holiday, so I'll probably get her a friendship or thinking of you card. Based on our sitch I think this will go over well without being too pursuing.

sounds good. My husband gave me my valentine roses today, and I gave him his card. So neither of us has to sweat it tomorrow.

I ended up getting W a lily plant and a friendship-type card. The card read:
Outside - No matter how crazy my life gets, I know you'll be there, and when it's your turn to lose it...you can count on me.
Inside - We're so screwed if it happens at the same time.

That's basically what got us here in the first place, both of us got to a point where we couldn't be there emotionally for the other. I know this part sounds a bit pursuing, but I added to the card:

"I promise that will never happen again!
Love you, LearningPatience

PS This is not a valentine card :)"

I am making dinner for W tonight. I had asked her Saturday if she had plans for this evening and she admitted she thought it would be improper to go do things with other people this evening. That made me feel good, that she had my feelings in mind for today.

Talked a little bit more about moving out yesterday. It's interesting, the comments she makes make it sound like she really hopes this is a short term, temporary situation. She wants to disrupt as little as possible that would make it harder to come back. We also talked about how we would split some things, she knew some of the things I would like and offered them freely. I also offered up some things she thought I'd want to take with me. She also 'slipped' and called me honey a few times. All in all, I know she's sad and trying to work things out for herself.

Finally, I ended up taking off my own ring on Friday for two reasons. One, the M as we have it is dead. My goal is to have an even better one with the same person in the future. Two, and the more practical reason, is that it doesn't really fit anymore. I've lost 15-20 pounds and it's a tungsten ring, so it can't be re-sized. We'll have to see what we do when (not if) we get back together.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone, no matter your sitch! We can all get through today!

W just sent a short email about the gifts. Her response - "The flowers are beautiful (I assumed they were for me) and the card was sweet.
Thank you!"

My response - "Well, the flowers were for [cat name], but I suppose you can look at them also

You're welcome and have a wonderful day!"

Today's journal - slightly hung over. W and I had *way* too much wine last night

W and I talked for several hours last night. She talked about her depression (which I totally understood, having been there myself), her job, us. Wow, I've never just listened and validated so much. I think I'm getting the hang of it! As a guy I generally want to offer advice or fix things, but I'm starting to see how the listening really brings people closer.

I did make one mistake at the end of the night, DB-wise. After pouring out her heart to me all evening, I told her just before she went to bed that I loved her. She gave me a half-smile, turned and walked into her bedroom. I know she's not in a place where she can reciprocate and it's a bit pressuring and I know she probably already knows how I feel. Maybe I'll blame it on the wine.

One thing she did say last night is that she worries that she'll come around to wanting me back and I'll have moved on. I don't remember what I said, probably just a knowing nod and a 'yeah'. It felt good knowing that this is a concern for her. I know I've had that worry before, which is one reason I didn't want to get my own apartment in the first place. I still waver from time to time, but in my heart I know we'll be together.

As much as I want for our R and M to work out, I want her to heal even more, no matter what it means to our R. I think that's the hardest part right now, knowing that this is a journey she needs to make alone.

W was down in a deep depression yesterday to the point she broke down and cried in front of her boss and asked if she could work from home. I feel horrible that she is so down but again, her journey. Despite this, I was very supportive of her through the day through many emails, texts and finally seeing her after work.

I also took a second look at an apartment I like. Found out that a 6 month lease is $100 more a month. 12 month leases have a $0 deposit and free first month, so now I'm conflicted what to do. Ultimately I don't want to move out, but W and her C think it will give her time to figure things out for herself. I also agree in one way: W feels she has to leave the house when I have the boys over on T/Th/alt Sat. I don't want her to feel that she has to escape her own house.

Some mornings, like right now, it hits me a little harder than others. I need to distract myself, but work is very slow at the moment so it's hard. Maybe I shouldn't be reading so many DB posts

I've got a four day weekend coming up. Plans on Friday, but nothing else the rest of the weekend. I tend to like to get away on road trips, W is encouraging me to go. She said she may go out of town herself, she hasn't decided. Maybe getting away will clear my head a little.

Oh, forgot to add that I got a text from W last night while we were both out regarding the depression I had been in which helped precipitate this whole mess. It read "I am soooooo sorry for not being there when u felt like this". My response "You didn't know. I was difficult to be around."

This gave me a little extra hope that we can understand each other better and build an even stronger R.

I've been feeling in a funk lately so I thought I'd journal a bit here and commiserate with all the awesome people here (yes, we all rock!)

I'll be renting a small, temporary apt from March 1-Aug 31. It's *tiny*, but it's also really cheap. Depending on how we split our finances, it might actually be cheaper for me to live alone. W is worrying about finances, especially since she had to spend about $1000 between car and phone repairs last Sat, plumber today and has two upcoming trips planned (one with me and friends).

W's depression is lifting a little and I've been there as much as I could for her. I've tried to balance doing acts of service for her (her LL) and letting her take care of herself. Some days she gives me big hugs for the smallest favors, others just a thank you for large ones. I think I'm subconsciously expecting more than she can give right now. I'm also missing her touch, it's so frustrating!

I know there are a few good things I should focus on. Last Thurs after leaving work an attractive woman walked by me. Being a guy, I turned to check her out after she passed and found that she had also turned to check *me* out. Man, what an ego boost! W and I are going to a dance show tonight. We still talk and get along well. Still, I feel like I'm on a downward part of the roller coaster waiting to climb the next hill.

Ugh, just get me through this day...

Just spent over $500 on plumbing repair, plus found out one of the dogs may have diabetes AND I'm going to sign my lease in half an hour. I think the final straw was breaking my favorite shovel trying to take care of all the snow piled in front of our mailbox.

W is on the verge of tears and there's nothing I can do for her. Truthfully, I had a few tears in my eyes too.

When I told her I had an appointment to sign my lease at 5, I guess I was smiling and she said I was happy to be doing it. I really don't know why I was smiling cause I really don't want to S but I'll do it if it will help W find herself. Unconditional love and all that.

Did I mention the Ugh part yet?