Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Can't seem to tell what stage or what i'm doing

Simpleton,

OK, so you now know that there are other guy(s) she is innappropriately conversing with, and it's crushing you. A lot of us don't or didn't believe things would come to a point like this, but unfortunately, it does happen. You're not alone.

Now, from hereon with this post, let's talk about YOU. What do you like to do? What have YOU been wanting to do for a long time that you haven't gotten around to? What kinds of things do you think you might want to try? What did you used to like to do that you haven't done in forever? Got a couple old buddies you have lost touch with, who you can call up and (important) NOT discuss in any kind of detail your situation with....rather just go be a dude for awhile.

I would like you to answer this question with your next post, I think it will be good for you. Do not mention your wife in any way in it. Let's talk about YOU!

What do I like to do?
Disc Golf (when it gets warmer).
Skateboarding (though i'm getting a little old for it).
Snowboarding
Go to the Beach (in the Summer)
Billiards
Video-Games
Christian Club/Music (there is one about 30 minutes away)
Playing Guitar in Church band (although this became a major stressor in M, so not inclined to go back to it)
Concerts (there is one on Feb 5 that i'm planning to go to)

What did I used to like to do that I haven't done in forever?
All of the above.

What have I been wanting to do for a long time that I haven't gotten around to?
Snowboarding
Losing weight (On the Heartbreak Diet right now)
Lots of house fix-up projects (not all that fun though)
Need to make a Budget/Plan so I don't go bankrupt and might retire one day

What kinds of things do I think I might want to try?
Habitat for Humanity
Going out Drinking
Batting Cage
Canoeing
Hiking

Couple old buddies?
My old best-friend is about 4 hours away.
Don't really have any local friends. There are some guys at Church I could hang out with though, and build friendships with.
Maybe some guys at Work that would let me go Drinking with them.

Good response man. Looks like there is plenty of stuff you like to do. It's too easy to just say go out and do it, so I won't be that simplistic.

Let's face it, we do have excuses...budgets to be concerned about little to no time, did I say budgets to be concerned about?, wondering to ourselves who are we going to do these things with, other chores and things we think we should be doing instead, many if not most activities take a real commitment, budgets to be concerned about, some activities really are major contention points of our marriage, etc. You name it, you can find a reason why you're not as active in it as you'd like to be. But, we have to start somewhere to get our minds off of all this, and re-become the people we want to be.

So I read your list, and I will just pose the following questions to you. No need to respond, I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you or make you feel like this is homework or something. Just think about them to yourself and act on them as you see fit.

1. I know it's January, but, are you PLANNING ahead already to play disc golf and go the beach when it gets warmer, or just THINKING about it?

2. I see you said, maybe some guys at work would LET you go drinking with them. How about turning this around and saying, "Hey (so and so) want to grab a beer Thursday night after work at (wherever you'd like to grab a beer at?)"

3. Your buddy is four hours away. Sounds to me like four hours well spent to GO (important) and say hello. On a close, upcoming weekend. What do you think? Maybe shoot some billiards while you're at it?

4. Batting cage is a great way to let off steam. Would SS17 or D11 go along with you?

5. Concert sounds like a blast on February 5. So when's the next concert?

As always, I wish you well.

I realize that "going out" may make me seem more attractive, and that I need to get away from this stress.

But one of the big things is that she feel like she has carried all the weight of the home, decisions and such, and I just kind of rode along. Now for the past 6 weeks, she has been absent (mentally) and I'm basically a single-father (except for when we hang out - daily - crazy). So, I'm wondering how this helps my case if I start going out, instead of being mr-responsible at home. I read recently that Sandi said if you do what she wanted now, it would be a turn-off.. but she is LIKING what I'm doing diff in the home, and seeing me be responsible.. and she has said so, several times. I think maybe my case is diff b/c of the mental/breakdown/illness. I dunno. Detachment has been very helpful. I'm letting her go, and when I do, she is almost immediately coming back (at least in the moment).. so that is working.

But what about GAL? Really seems like it will hurt more than help? I'm not trying to argue, I really just need help, and If this is the right thing to do, then I want to buy into it.

Well, for the time being, and as dbmod advised, there is nothing wrong with doing what you're doing. Your situation may be different than many, so if you truly feel that GAL will hurt more than help, then you should trust your instincts. BUT, a few posts ago, you seemed very down and out, and had plenty of questions.

What I have really meant to convey with the last couple of posts is, you still need to think about yourself, or put another way, not forget about yourself. If the situation gets to be too much for you, you need to find ways to keep you happy and energetic and productive. I sensed with those recent posts that just about every thought you had had to do with her and how she was thinking and responding and behaving. I didn't want to see you go down her road 24 hours a day seven days a week...you've got a place in your life too.

Absolutely, don't do anything you are not comfortable doing. But just know that you may need an escape from the stress here and there, so I wanted to get you thinking about responsible, sound ways you could do so.

Hope things stay the course of improving for you! Your post is encouraging.

I'm am planning to go out a few times, as a Solution-Based-Experiment, and be kind of vague about it when I tell her... see how it goes, see what reaction I get. I think I'm going to go bowling with a guy I know, and have a beer. Kind of looking forward to it too. I do think I'm going nuts being under the stress all the time, and constantly thinking about her, and her behavior, and how I can't control it.

As a side-rant: She's got this thing now where she's listening to the radio all the time. Like Rap, and R&B, and really oversexualized teen-age kind of music. As an experiment, I've started listening to it too.. and i'm watching her reaction. Previous to this, we listened to almost all christian-rock-music. And this is really breaking my "mold" of mr.christian, mr.moral, mr.judgemental. It's crazy though seeing her get into the music, like a teenager, or rebellion, or something. I like that Sandi said that WAW's are "Bonkers". (I think about that word a lot, LOL)

Just a quick RANT!!!

She vented for like an hour about how our M could never be fixed, and how terrible it was.. and I took it like a good DBer. Validating her feelings. Afterwards, I was a little shook, and she said so, and she didn't know why (really??!?!). Then at dinner, I didn't eat much (not that I ever eat much lately), and she commented that I need to get over my emotional crap. I just put on my happy face, and DB'd as best I could... But how the h** do you eat after that? My stomach is tore up like every day. Uhg. I want to tell her: "Sorry, I'm not OVER the relationship like you are. How heartless!"

Good to hear you're going bowling. But, twice in your second to last post, notice how you said "see what kind of reaction I get" and "watching her reaction."

You can't worry about her reaction.

It may be solution based, but don't think of it or do it as an experiment. Do it as an activity YOU want to do for you. You've got to go bowling for YOURSELF only. If you actually do like the RB and hip hop, you've got to like it for yourself, not as an experiment. If you truly don't like it, then quit listening to it. Whatever you're changing has to be for you, independent of how she feels about it. You don't want to start doing something, and then look over your shoulder every time more or less asking her "Well?". It will likely come across as fake and weird.

When are you going bowling, BTW?

Yeah, I see. I'm going to quit on the music. It is really bad music. I think I'm going to go to a CelebrateRecovery support group tonight after I drop off D11 at church-youth. And then I'm going to go bowling Saturday. I've spec'd out a few places that I'd like to go, and their times, etc. I've started asking around what people do for fun, and looking for possible guy-dates. I will do my best to go and have fun, and not think about W and her reaction. After last night, I feel discouraged again. Up-And-Down, Up-And-Down, is exhausting.

I woke up this morning and for a minute I thought maybe all my problems had just been a dream... and then it all crashed in on me again. It was terrible. How does anyone get their appetite back?

My Co says shes bipolar, her parents think shes selfish, I think she's either MLC or mental breakdown, I don't even think she knows. I'm having real trouble detaching, even reading everyday, it's such a slow process. I don't know how to just give up my feelings. It's like I have a death-grip on our old M.

Friday I "went out", and went to a "Celebrate Recovery" meeting (kind of like a Christian AA, but they include lots of stuff besides alcohol). Amazing how enlightening it was. I actually began to see my illness in the problems of our marriage. Before Friday, I had been watching W. What she said and did, and not really looking at myself. Something clicked for me though, that I have been part of a sick-marriage-system. Codependant, and unhealthy.. and I needed to get myself whole. So, I'm back to praying, and I'm reading the serenity prayer, which I have to say, is bigtime detachment oriented. W, on the other hand hasn't changed a bit, and is still playing drama, and still doing the MLC thing. I'm just going to keep backing off, and get myself fixed.