it is hard, however, to think of him out on the road, wondering if he is going to act like a "single guy" but i cant do anything about what he does, can i? thanks again denver...
Nope... You can only control your actions and feelings. You need to try and detach so that you are not so worried about what he is doing.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
"What would you say have caused him to have these feelings? Things that you have done, or is it something with him?" sorry denver, do you mean the feelings of not being able to sustain this marriage? i guess, it's from both of us he is from a very nonconventional family (mom left them, dad married 5 times, he left home at 17) while i am from the never been divorced, parents still together kind. i know i have taken our things for granted, as he has because of the nature of our careers, we are not together all the time...which actually suits both of us but we do not take the time to reconnect when he gets off the road when he gets home, i usually take more work we also help take care of my parents and stay with them (even tho we have our own place) he has taken great pride in that and is amazing with them but it has not helped our relationship THE BIG THING THO - according to him, is that when i get really frustrated with him - i tell him "if you want a divorce, you can have it - i am not going to fight you" he keeps going back to that and while to me they are just words i don't mean, they may have done serious damage..or that can be just an excuse he needs i don't know
Words cause serious damage... inflict very deep wounds. I know this from personal experience. Early in my W and I's R, I would use my words to hurt her very effectively. The wounds that I caused even 7 and 8 years ago remain with my W to this day. I never knew how much words could hurt, bc I am not someone who is easily insulted or who really cares what others may think of me. But some people, my W for one, are very sensitive to what others say to or about them.
So what did you do to take H for granted?
Why did you take on "more work" when he was home?
What other problems does he have with your M besides being taken for granted?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
denver thanks for your input i think that more than taking him for granted, i had certain expectations of the way things should be when he got off road for a few days and when they would not be the way i thought i would get distant i will say that he is a bit of a loner and needs his time to re-adjust to family life he also gets treated a certain way on the road and when he gets home, all of a sudden he is "normal joe" taking out the garbage and doing chores but i knew these things going in
i take work when he gets home because i am in a competitive business and if a director asks me to work with them and i say no too many times, i am afraid they will stop asking
i understand now that was not the right thing to do but being a woman in my field is scary at times
we also let our son sleep with us most every night
it started out of guilt, i think, because of our crazy schedule and it has not stopped even if he goes in his own bed, middle of night comes, he creeps into ours and one of us, usually me, will go to sleep in his room
need a bucket of cold water or at least a semi slap in the face any guys who will set me straight, because i am reading into things too much... husband is away (nice tropical island, while i am shoveling snow ) he doesn't have a phone signal so called from his bandmates phone last night to talk to our son..i was out, so he left a message on the machine
then he called my mothers cel to talk to our son
then he called my machine again to tell me that he had spoken to him and to let me know what time he would call tomorrow
ok, to answer my own question, he is just being a good dad and also just letting me know he got to his destination ok so i don't worry
he called my machine again to tell me that he had spoken to him and to let me know what time he would call tomorrow
ok, to answer my own question, he is just being a good dad and also just letting me know he got to his destination ok so i don't worry
sorry just had to vent i appreciate any input tho
Maybe, maybe not. We can't mind read, so I wouldn't bother spending any time on it. The important thing is that if/when you respond to his message, that you keep it very short and to the point. You may consider not calling him back. I don't think that the message that he left calls for you to respond.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
his band is on the road playing a weeks worth of shows (musician) the only regard to me, was that he hoped i was doing ok it's just confusing that he called my machine 2x (once after he spoke to our son) but i guess it's confusing because i choose to read more into it thanks for answering mr bond
I went away last year for 4 days, and forgot to even call my W until day 3. Needless to say she was not happy. The reality was that I was busy (it was a golf trip and we up and up the course by 8am for the day) and it didn't leave much room to call.
I just didn't think of it. This has been one of my major issues in the R, a lack of thoughtfulness. So for me these small gestures of thoughtfulness are very important now, but due to the lack of R with W I mostly have to be thoughtful to my kids, and do little indirect things for my W.
So bottom line is, you know your H. You will know what is "normal" and what is a "new" behavior for him.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Hi Grr, I think it's a way of controling you. He's keeping his options open.
He keeps just enough connection to keep you hanging on.
Your not being there to answer his call is a good thing. You don't have time to pick up a phone. You were out being busy and moving on with life.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
the funny part about that is, he spoke to my mom and knows i was at my son's school meeting nothing to worry about there...ha denver, i cannot respond,, as he has no cel service on the island his message said he would call back anyway tonight to speak to son should i not speak to him when he calls? canada - i think it's great that you recognize what you could have done and are now acting on it and you are right i know him he away alot and most of the time he does call - i just thought it odd with our separation, that he would leave 2 messages on my machine again, i am just searching for the positive i think my bottom line and what i need to remind myself of is that he said he is no longer in love with me blah!
