hello sad to be back, but at the same time comforted by the knowledge there is a place to fall. my husband and i have been together for 18 years and married for 15. we have a nine year old son. this is the 4th time my husband has asked for a divorce. last year, when i found this forum, he was intent on splitting. it was a few months, before he finally changed his mind and gave our marriage another shot. the problem is that everything stayed exactly the same. we didn't work on anything and so a year later we find ourselves in the same place. he says he loves me and cares about me, but is not in love with me. he says the only thing he knows for sure is that he wants to live alone.
a bit of background.... we met while living in 2 different states (pretty far away) and even after we got married kept my city apartment and his house in his state. he tours for a living so is away alot of the time, which has always suited us both as i have a career that keeps me busy. after the birth of our son, which coincided with my parents becoming ill, we gave up my apartment and moved upstairs in their place to help them. we still went back and forth alot between states until son started school. we bought our own house but have rented it out until a few months ago our living sitch has been very stressful and we have never really been just the three of us on our own. as far as his family goes, his mother left when he was very young and his father has been married multiple times. he has never dealt with any of these issues.
now that we find ourselves back here, he has moved into our new house, while we stay with my parents. the plan is to fix the house so that my son and i can move in and he will get his own place. it is heartbreaking, as i have dreamed of the day we would finally get to be on our own and be able to just be together.
anyway, i'm sorry to be back and the biggest lesson i learned from this, is that if you are given another chance..keep the changes going and pay attention to your situation.
i guess i am curious to know if anyone else has returned to the same situation after some time and were you able to work things out?
my husband feels like, because we have been here before, there is no use in trying again
i have already made so many mistakes....crying, pleading and talking about our sitch. as words come out of my mouth, and tears down my face, i am thinking, "stop it, just shut up, smile and be on your way"
however, i seem powerless to control my emotions...
tonight we had dinner together then i dropped my husband and son at the house he is staying in and came back here alone......i know i do not have to tell many of you how miserable that feels.......
well grr...I am back here for the second time and I really can't tell you if it is going to work or not. I love the support here but hate having to be here.
What I do know is that there is some wonderful people here with some great advice. The more I read in here and the more I DB the stronger I get. This journey we are all on is really about ourselves. Doing what is best for us, not anyone else. I know for myself that I have lost who i was. Who I used to be...That is why I am here. i do not know if my H and I will ever be together again (not sure if I want H again) but if for whatever reason we did get back together, I will be a better person when it happens.
I am truly sorry that you find yourself here again. It is a rough road to be on. We are all here so keep posting!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
wanda, thanks for your response i feel the same way, that because of my circumstances, i have lost who i was and hopefully this journey will lead me to that person again, no matter what the outcome is with my husband
whenever i think of my son tho', and what his reaction to this will be, i am a wreck.
my husband and i still see each other everyday, usually to have dinner together. he usually comes over after to read with our son for awhile.
and we have been spending days together, fixing up the house that we were supposed to move into, the house he is now living in
any advice on whether this is a bad move
should i be letting him miss me more, or do i use this time to show show him the "best me" i can be and that i am doing ok?
I find when I am having to deal with something with the kids and H I am a lot more emotional. That is the worst part of this whole sitch.
As for your question about whether or not you should be spending so much time with H...I don't know. One part of me says no way...go dark and let him maybe miss you...
Other part says seeing each other all the time can be good because you can act happy and show him the "best me" there is.
So I really hope one of the vets on here can help with this. Someone will have some good advide for you. Sorry I could not help you. Stay strong and take it one day at a time.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
thanks for the support wanda, it's so true about the children i really, it is so confusing he wants to be around us and then every night he leaves it's so hard not to beg him to stay i truly hope your sitch turns out the way you want goodnight
I think that when a M breaks down each partner does have a part. What stands us apart from our spouse is those of us who take our vows seriously, realize our part in it all and find ways to change to make things better. In the meantime, our spouses say it's too late, I love and care for you but I'm not in love with you, we need to learn to live our lives without each other blah, blah. The excuse book is amazing because it's so much easier to just walk away and quit altho in their head they think they've done everything they can to save the marriage and WE were the ones missing the signs. And who suffers...the LBS and children.
I am in the same place with you wanda and grr. I became very lost after my mom passed away 9 years ago. Being an only child is a tough dynamic when you get older, lose a parent and think you're spouse will be there for you.
We need to keep each other strong and hopeful one day at a time.
HUGS.....
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
oh no...i just backslid so far my son was having a bad night, (9 years old) and we called my husband just to say goodnight when i heard my child asking his dad why he couldn't sleep in our house, i lost it when i got back on the phone, i started to cry, (away from son, of course) i got angry, tried to make him feel guilty, tried to get direct answers from him..."are you saying we have absolutely NO chance to reconcile?" btw, i hated the answer i got and spewed much worse stuff i know it's because i felt like he was hurting our son i'm sure i did damage and am still shaking from it what a stupid thing to do i called back and apologized he was receptive, but told me that he has lost all faith in us and cannot see a future with me oh boy has anyone ever backslid this way??
ooops! That wasn't a good idea. But sometimes our mouths blurt out words before our brain registers that it is all wrong.
Time to 180. You need to make your reactions and your actions the opposite of what you would normally do. Act "as if" what he said does not matter. Be happy. Stop crying.
I know when the kids get involved and you can see how upset they are with everything going on the mother bear instinct kicks in. Through all of this I find the pain we see in our kids is what hurts the most. You are going to have to be really strong!
And I am pretty sure if you keep reading in here most of us has backslid a time or two. Do not beat yourself up about. Just take it one day at a time and focus on how you are NOT going to do it again.
Take Care of you. And try to have a good day. Smiles and hugs!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
