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Denver

I just saw this...I'm so sorry...you and I both are having a tough time this weekend....

I know it is killing you. But, don't give up friend. Not, now not after all this....you love her and your family.

I know all we can do is go DARK. I'm with you like so many others here. I'm praying for you Denver.

Just keep your focus on YOU and how you can improve. I pray for GOD to change me. Ask him for the same...

Denver, I know when you start loosing it...its hard to bounce back. I've been telling myself...to STOP cause he is not crying like this for you!!! Then I go take a marathon walk...

Maybe that will help??? Sending you a big hug!!!

Denver

This is a process.

You will go through a range of emotions.

Feel them.

Own them.

They are good.

Why?

Because they propel you forward.

Your pain will guide you through this. It will tell you when you are still attached.

You are hanging hope on expected outcomes you do not control.

Place your faith in the ones you can control. The ones for you.

Now is the time to determine what kind of man you want to be and move in that direction with all your courage.

Is this the hill you want to die on?

Denver,

I am so sorry for what you are going through and the weekend that you are having. I can't imagine the pain that you are going through right now but please know that we are praying for you and your peace.

You ARE going to have feelings of hopelessness. I agree that you need to allow yourself to feel that. But I have to say that there is a big difference between hope and expectations. You need to find a way to move on with no expectations, but being the believer that I am, I would never give up on hope. Now, you may hope for different things going forward, but never lose your hope. This is over when YOU say it is over. I know the sting of the OM. My H is away this weekend hanging out with OW. It is painful. But my faith and my hope are in things unseen. They are with God. He will lead me down the path that I am supposed to be on. This is the same for all of us. You need to look within yourself and understand what you are hoping for right now. If you are hoping for the pain to go away, then work towards that and end this. If you are hoping for restoration of your marriage, then you are going to need to work your way through this pain and deal with the fact that you are going to stay here for awhile. But its all about what you choose and what you want.

The likelihood of a long-term relationship lasting with OM is small. Her history is with you. Problems will most likely develop and the question is will you be around when they do. I think that FIL's words are quite revealing. Maybe your W and OM haven't cut off contact, but that doesn't mean that the mystery and the newness of that relationship isn't wearing off. No matter what, that relationship between those two will always be tainted and most people have a very hard time dealing with that and overcoming it. So the question is, are you willing to be there when this fantasy of hers comes crashing down in pieces. You have to make that decision. And no one here will judge you whatever you choose. For me, I have a major trust issue right now and I don't believe a single word out of my H's mouth. I'm not sure if I can make it through that. But that's me. Go over to the piecing forum. There are awesome stories over there where people were able to build that trust back.

Put your hope and faith in God. Keep it there and no where else. Work the program. Do what you can do to GAL. Do NOT put additional pressure on yourself because you didn't meet some ideal about GAL'ing or DB'ing or anything else. Do the best you can and take stock in your successes. And if you decide to move on, then be proud of what you have already done.

I pray for your peace.

LIS

Denver,

Finding out that an affair went physical is perhaps the absolute worst thing that can happen. Up until now everything has been words, and maybe not real, more like a test.

Now the devestation of the 'real', and the pain.

A couple of things, the information you have, is it accurate? To be honest it is in your best interest to assume it is, affairs are highly likely, but you also want to make sure it is 100% true, not just 100% likely.

The other thing:


My take on getting through this, is you aren't. You aren't doing this for her, you are doing this for yourself. You are doing this not to be cockold or a doormat, your doing this not because she didn't live up to her vows, but because you can live up to yours.

Marriages can survive an affair, they can become stronger afterward...that's the hope Denver, that's where your hope should lie.

It can be done Denver,you can do it, despite how you feel at the moment.

Thank you Dbmod. I am better today. The past 24 hrs has been an emotionally exhausting though.

Thanks for the kind words Courageous and 2Step.

You all are correct, I let myself have 'expectations' and set myself up for a fall.

You are also right 2Step... the imagination can make things much worse.

There is a further update that has confused me more about sitch. I will post it later.

Meant to thank Dixie for her kind words too I appreciate this board soooo much!!

Denver,
I am sorry that I haven't been here for you this weekend. I had quite a mess on my hands and couldn't get to the computer. I am actaully hiding from my W right now. I will post details tonight.

None the less, I am so very sorry about your news. But your friends are right. Make sure the information is accurate. Don't put yourself through all this pain for something that might not be true. I don't really know how you will confirm the information, but I would try before you destroy yourself with grief.

Yes, this is not easy. I still vividly remember the day I found the cell bill and saw that my W had exchanged over 300 messages in four days with OM. I wanted to throw up. The worst part is that I tried twice during that period to text her and she ignored me. She texted him before and after my text. You could see it on the bill. I was devastated. But, look where I am now. I have had three face-to-face meetings with my W in the past week. She has apologized for her behavior and I have taken some control back by staying true to my DB'ing.

I never thought I would say this, but get off the computer for a spell. Call a friend and go do something. Sitting here and focusing on this right now might actually not be good for you. Remember, when the darkness comes, change your environment. Go play some golf, go to the gym, go to a sports bar and watch the games on today. While you are there, strike up a conversation with a stranger. This is an order, mister. GO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW AND DON'T THINK ABOUT HER WHILE YOU ARE DOING IT! Got it!

Hang in there, my man. Post when you get back and let us know how you are feeling. I am willing to bet you will feel better.

Your friend and fellow B.I.T.S.

FOBD

^^^^^

Thank you Lost. I have had a very difficult weekend and it has been comforting to know that there are people here who understand what I am going through.

I am hoping for restoration of my M. I know that I am going to be in this state of pain until either, I can truly detach with love, or until my W forces closure by forcing a D. I do need to forget and give up my 'expectations'. It is my expectations that set me up for a fall this weekend.



I think that I started making some major assumptions yesterday when I was posting that I was sure that the relationship bw W and OM had progressed to R and/or PA. The only thing that I know from the events of this weekend is that he is still a part of her life. I had had this 'feeling' over the past several days that this R had either died down or gone down the tubes altogether. I was wrong. That is what caused me to crash. But I don't really know what is going on bw the two of them. EA definitely. Other than that, who knows.

I agree that the chances of that R working out long term are low. I guess one's definition of 'long run' is relative, however. It seems like forever for me already. For now, I am in this for the long haul. I want to be true to my inner self who meant every word when I proposed to my W and when I spoke my vows to her.



Thank you again. I am trying. I am rooting for you success here too.