Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support 2

I hear you Punchy. I've suspected an EA (mostly because I believe a lot of people who have EA's think they are doing nothing wrong).

Problem is for me, I just don't think my W has the oppurtunity. She hates technology (always been an issue because I work in IT), she doesn't have e-mail or facebook, she doesn't own a cell phone and there's a better chance my 2 year old could text then my W.

She is a waitress, and she works with generally very young people - I don't believe that she would be involved in anything with these people. She doesn't take breaks - she's at home with kids or at work. She almost never goes out by herself.

As I've explained a few times in the past originally my W cheated on me when we were engaged to married the first time ovwer 10 years ago - she's told me that's a mistake she made that she'll never make again.

We'll see, it's in the back of my mind. It's really not good for me to think about it regardless because it just causes me to become emotional.

You are the best judge of your situation. In some respects we are better off emotionally not knowing about what maybe going on. For me, it was more important to know because after a year of DBing there was no improvement in our status. Knowing about an EA or a PA is a painful place but it gives you a clear understanding of what kind of person your wife has become and whether or not you still want to be with her.

My wife's OM is her former boss who is much younger than she is.

My MC a good one? Ha. He made me go through the hardest part of all this.

My W went once at the beginning, never went back. MC told me he saw nothing in my W that said she was done. This gave me hope and confidence big time.

2 months went by, and like a dumb a**, I tried to find out where we stood, that is when I actualy heard the words "I want a D". I asked W what she had told MC 2 months earlier. She said " I told him I wanted a D". The only reason she went was to make me happy, and tell MC that. Somebody is not telling the truth, MC or W? In the sceam of things, I guess it doesn't really matter. I am really slowing down on MC. I am not getting much from it. If she isn't willing to go, and I am doing good with fixing my problems, why go?

You are a different story though. If she is willing,go. If it was me I would definately look for the pro-marriage MC. It amazes me that there is actually MC that isn't, what is the point?

When it comes to MC, I would be afraid of the Pro-marriage MC scaring her away with working on M pressure the same as what we would do by R talk. I am sure she won't be happy if MC tells her what she doesn't want to hear. So this is what I would look for, an MC that knows how to talk to both of you, without scaring her farther away. Of course, if anyone knew how to do this our problems would be solved. Well, that's there job, right?

Oops. It was FOBD's that had the good C. Getting people mixed up.

Ya I agree about the C, but like I said my IC that my W also ended up going to was no help at all. Told my W, "Well it sounds like you have your mind made up so there isn't much I can do for you" lol - like WTF?! This was after I spoke to her and told her about MWD and DB and the fact that I believed that my W COULD change her feelings even though was currently saying IDLY and I don't want to be with you.

I have the same fears that the MC may end up pushing her further awa if they are "pro-marriage". The issue is that I think my W only wants to go to re-inforce her beliefs...she also beleives that the MC will also help her show me that she's really done.

I'm going to try and wait a week or so before booking, let things cool down.

At this point - really what's the worst that can happen!?!?

The dreaded "A". I am the same as you SIC. I know I shouldn't do it, but I have looked high and low for an OM. Just can't find it.

I don't believe I have put so much effort into looking for something that I don't want to find.

My W works with all woman in her immediate area, although there is plenty of opportunities to talk with men in the same building, but she is always in the same area of the other woman and customers. Not much room for an EA, but this is the only place I see a chance for her to have one. Other than that she is almost always home.

It is sad that I look for an A just to find something that would explain what the heck is going on.

Punchy scares the heck out of me, because those are the exact words my W said. In fact on the bomb day one of the first things out of her mouth was,"there is nobody else". Looked like a cover up to me.

She has also told me that not only is she not interested in me, she is not interested in any man right now.

DING DING DING!!!

I got the exact same crap...I believe that! I swear if we end up splitting and the second it happens she's seeing someone...you do not want to be with 1000 square kilometers of me!!!

Partly gesting, but I think you know what I mean.

SIC, You know what you need? A new 180.


BULLRIDING!


sorry, couldn't help myself.

Maybe that'll work, since she'd like to be riding cowboys...

Uhh, bull riding...we actually went to the fair just a few months ago. Bull Riding is just as fun to watch as a hockey game, but I cannot imagine getting on one myself.

I need to work on some 180's for sure (and I understand that's what your getting at)

The issue is I think some of the things that she'd "like me to be" are not things I can be. I was raised in the city...not in the country. I didn't grow up loving horses...

I look ridiculous in a cowboy hat.

I wasn't really getting at anything, I was just being stupid.

Don't be changing who you are for her idiotic fantasy's. You know better than that.

Today she wants a cowboy, so you buy a hat, Tomorrow she has a thing for clowns, then what? A rainbow wig?

About my W saying she is not interested in any men? Your W said that to? Sh*t, I thought that was something original by her. Do they take a class for this cr*p?

No kidding eh? It's like they are acting, and they gotten the same script from the director and they all are auditioning for the same part.

I'm literally amazed constantly how many times I read updates from any of BITS members and see my own sitch or someone else's W acting/saying the same way as mine.

...but again that's how I know we can get our W back. I told her numerous times, I don't want our old M, I want us to identify ALL of the issues and do the hard work to have a good, happy fullfilling M for both of us.

My W has said to me at least 50 times, "I know what you WANT, but doesn't anyone care what I WANT?" I'm listening - now let's be constructive here. I know you can do it hun.