Wasn't willing? Or couldn't? Maybe he spoke a different "language"? I know in my M, I gave and gave ... but always in the way I wanted to receive ... and rarely in the way my H needed me to give in order for him to feel it as an expression of love.
Just my .02
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Oh you totally make a good point with that PEI. That's true. But I still don't think it justifies him having an affair and not being willing to spend one minute in marital or individual counseling or trying to work anything out with his wife of 19 years--and that's pretty much what he said initially, that the affair was his expression of "finally taking charge of his life and doing what he really wanted and needed for himself, no matter the cost to anyone else."
I think had he ever considered therapy with me that is the very thing that would have come out--our communication problems.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
But I still don't think it justifies him having an affair and not being willing to spend one minute in marital or individual counseling or trying to work anything out with his wife of 19 years--and that's pretty much what he said initially, that the affair was his expression of "finally taking charge of his life and doing what he really wanted and needed for himself, no matter the cost to anyone else."
I think had he ever considered therapy with me that is the very thing that would have come out--our communication problems.
Absolutely - your h's spiel about your being a taker sounds like projection to me. You gave and he took. Yes, learning how others want to be loved is important, but so is telling your spouse how you want to be loved, not just flouncing out if they don't guess right. We are talking grown ups here.
Incidentally your h's comment about 'finally taking charge of his life' is typical MLC speech, and usually comes from someone who felt very disempowered as a child.
And Beatrice, again, you know my H so well!! He said numerous times when he left that the reason he was against entering counseling or therapy with me or having a mediator was because he said that "in his mind, he had waited long enough for me to figure out what he needed/wanted in the marriage." I would say "why could you not tell me?" He would reply "You're my wife. You should know me well enough that I don't have to tell you. You should be able to figure it out."
NO LIE.
Guess what he said the last time I saw him? "My parents are pretty bad, but yours are no better because last year when I left you the first time they should have gotten involved." I said "how?" He said "they should have offered to mediate our reconciliation and they didn't. So they are no better than my parents."
Amazing, isn't it?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh you totally make a good point with that PEI. That's true. But I still don't think it justifies him having an affair and not being willing to spend one minute in marital or individual counseling or trying to work anything out with his wife of 19 years--and that's pretty much what he said initially, that the affair was his expression of "finally taking charge of his life and doing what he really wanted and needed for himself, no matter the cost to anyone else."
I think had he ever considered therapy with me that is the very thing that would have come out--our communication problems.
Whoa!!! Where did I imply or infer that it justified anything?
My H said all the same stuff ... but I can'd do anything about him, I can only control me so that's where I choose to focus. I know now that his feelings and perceptions are very real to him. In his mind they are just as valid as mine are to me in mine.
Doesn't make them logical.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
he said that "in his mind, he had waited long enough for me to figure out what he needed/wanted in the marriage." I would say "why could you not tell me?" He would reply "You're my wife. You should know me well enough that I don't have to tell you. You should be able to figure it out."
NO LIE.
This from a man who I am sure told you all the time he couldn't read your mind!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
But I still don't think it justifies him having an affair
No it doesn't.
It is their reaction to not having things go their way.
Not having things meet their expectations
To their fear and insecurities.
To adversity in the M.
If we are honest with ourselves we had/have the same entitlement for ourselves in our M.
Part of this, the most important part IMO, is to define what your M and love means to YOU.
Is it defined by how your spouse chooses to see it?
How they choose to express love in a M?
I don't think it's always a reaction to not having things go their way. Maybe we're just phrasing stuff differently, but I see it as self medicating ... to erase the pain ... or, more accurately, to mask it, cover it up. And I don't mean the pain of adversity in marriage, I mean the pain they've been carrying for a long, long time. Their demons. The battles they are too scared to fight. This pain has, in part, created some of the adversity in the marriage, and I think on some level they know this and it's this contribution that adds to the pain and intensifies it. So they run.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
The battles they are too scared to fight. This pain has, in part, created some of the adversity in the marriage, and I think on some level they know this and it's this contribution that adds to the pain and intensifies it. So they run.
Good point MLC throws a big monkey wrench in the works I agree.
It is still their choice (maybe not from a rational place I grant you) but there expression of their reality.
We choose what to do with it.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
