I think she is feeling the need to mark her territory and if you give into her now all your progress will fade quickly. Are you strong enough emotionally to sleep with her and not get hung up on her?
Well...there was no need to worry about that. After our dinner, I dropped WAW off at her apartment, and there was no invitation upstairs of any kind. I really don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
We have a very nice evening together. Nice dinner conversation. Some about the R, but not too much. WAW did tear up a couple of times. At one point during dinner, I asked for a kiss. Oops..
When I dropped her off she leaned over to kiss me goodbye and I gave her my cheek. She commented that she gave me a kiss on the lips at dinner, so I kissed her a couple times and went home.
For the first time in a while, she has been on my mind all night and this morning. I suppose that was the only risk in having such a wonderful dinner together.
I will likely see her for a few minutes when I drop S17 off to work with her today. It will be interesting to see how she acts today. One thing I am willing to admit now: I really do still love her.
Friday night as I was just about to go to bed, WAW came to my house with D19 to have a hot tub together after working together all day. I was in bed about half hour later, when WAW came in and lied down and started to cuddle me. We talked, cuddled and fondled a bit and at one point she said 'I should just sleep here" - but she did go home. Twice she said "I miss you" - even though we saw each other almost every day last week for various reasons.
I found out the next day that she had been drinking that night, but was not too drunk. I could tell by her speech etc. Whenever she drinks, her true feelings seem to come out.
Last night, she asked me how we are going to split up rooms during family vacation at XMAS time. I know she wanted me to say she and I should room together, but I just said "we don't need to decide that now".
Nothing major new. WAW came over last Sunday and made me dinner for my 42nd birthday. We see each other once or twice a week when I drop S17 off at work. One day last week, she had made chili at home and packed some for me to take to work. Tonight, I may see her at D19's boyfriend's hockey game.
The XMAS vacation is booked for Dominican. WAW and I are splitting the cost, except for D's boyfriend, who is paying his own way. I did offer to pay the extra cost for the limo to the airport and cost to pre-book seats on the plane. I will wind up paying almost $500 more than WAW, but it's no big deal to me. I do have more expendable money than her.
I went to a bday party for my boss a couple nights ago. Met his gf's best friend. Boss thought she would certainly be my type. I could tell she was into me, but it just wasn't there for me. I have tried to make myself get into the dating scene, but I think I am just not ready.
On a daily basis, I remain quite content and as happy as can be in my current situation.
Happy Anniversary to me. One year ago today, WAW officially walked away and moved out of our house. What a year it's been. My personal growth has been exceptional, but after a conversation yesterday, I know we are no closer to reconciliation that a year ago.
While talking about vacation, I decided it was time to tell WAW something clearly and succintly. I am ready for her to come home and end all this stuff. While she did not say never, she certainly was much less than thrilled about the idea. I said I didn't expect anything right away, but want us to work towards that, rather than the other way.
So...unless she tells me something different, I have decided what I am going to do. I will continue with my current method of being friendly etc and will be an awesome guy on family vacation at XMAS. If the status quo remains the same, I will start the new year as a new man.
I will go dark and put all my efforts into my post marriage life. I have done everything possible to save my marriage in the last year, have become a much better man, father and employee and can move on, knowing that I have literally done what others only claim to have done - everything thing I could to honor my vows.
I won't make a big show of things, but will simply tell WAW that I now know she will never be able to forgive, trust and accept me to the point that we can have a beautiful life together and that I have finally given up hope of that happening.
It sure has been one hell of a year, but I am so much stronger today than exactly one year ago. I am proud to be me.
It's been quite a while since I checked in - about a month and a half. I suppose that's a good thing, since it shows that trying to save my marriage isn't all I think about anymore.
The family vacation was ok, but certainly did nothing to bring WAW any closer together. So...I have been thinking about what do now. Every time I see her, I slide backwards in my recovery. So, I am purposely limiting exposure to her. I am also focusing on making my life mine. I am making "our" bedroom into "mine, by changing the bedding, re-organizing the closet etc. I have also started prepping the house for eventual sale when we proceed with legal divorce in about a year and a half.
I am going to try to date again. It's been almost a year and a half since I came back here and over 5 years since the first time. My other methods have not resulted in anything, so it's time for this new plan. It's really just basic d'bing, but it's really more about living the life I have, which really isn't so bad at all. I simply need to work at the GAL thing.
I have not seen any recent posts by RobX or several of the other vets such as Coach. Have they disappeared?
I plan on posting here more regularly. It's a great place to journal in addition to the book I write in daily.
Life sure does go on ... it's good that you're getting on with a life of your own. I feel your attitude is acceptance that she is gone for good. Am I right?
It is great journalling here from time to time.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeTheMan, your story is interesting and inspirational! I think you are right and it is time to go dark and move on.
I would make a comment, or relate some conclusion i have reached myself, is that even if we db, GAL, detach....al that good db stuff, and become the happy confident people we want to be...it does not mean the outcome will be reconcilation with the spouse. It doesn't work that way. Really i see DB'ing as saving ourselves despite the outcome, and thats pretty darn okay.
