Thank you hope, sandi and Tulsa (by the way that's where the OM lives lol) for your thoughtful response. It's funny that we really start to do the soul searching and real learning when something this awful happens to us.
This is the email she sent me a few days before she left...
Dear My name,
I am truly sorry that I have hurt you this way. But this is something I feel I have to do. And no I did not ask a lot of people and nobody has told me what to do, I have a mind of my own, and this was my decision. This is private, and not something I am proud of. I do love you, however I thought that would be enough, and it isn't. I cannot continue living this way, feeling as though I am not needed, respected, appreciated, or listened to. It hurts me deeply. This is very difficult for me. It is not easy. I am alone, scared, and broken. But I feel it is best for the both of us. I just want to go home. I am not angry with you, I am hurt...but mostly I am just numb. I have gotten to the point that I have no energy, no emotion ...and that is not me. You say you haven’t changed...well that's part of the problem, I have and I have too much that I have lost myself. And it’s not fair. You feel as though I'm giving up, and I feel I have tried so hard I'm empty, I have nothing left. That I can't make it work all by myself. You have proven to me time and time again, that I am not priority to you, and that you are unable to listen to me. It breaks my heart...I have never asked you for anything, never demanded anything, all I ever ask for was for you to listen, respect me, and have some understanding and compassion. None of which cost you a penny. I may be broken, and something may be wrong with me, but I allowed you to break me and I can't allow that anymore. You are a good man. I will always love you. However we are not good for each other anymore. You need a stronger woman than I am, someone that can deal with things without crumbling. I have crumbled and need to go home.
Figured I would share it with you guys and see your thoughts
2step, this is FOBD, Man, I am a wreck today, but trying to help others seems to soothe my mind. So, here it goes:
1) My hands are clamy and I am sweating as I read the quotes from your W. They are the exact words my W has used on me. From the part about not being able to trust me, to being burnt out on the marriage, to "he is just a friend," she has said it all. Why am I telling you this? To remind you that this whole damned thing is just a stupid game all couples play and we all use the same pieces and the same board. So, smile, you are not alone in this, buddy. Between your W, Denver's W, Bolt's W and mine, I would think we are all married to the same W. OK, so don't think you are going through something that we can't all help you with. We are here for you and we take turns helping each other. We are a team.
2) Stop chasing her. That was my biggest mistake. My DB friends say so, my MC says so, my family says so. Yes, it is hard. Stop for a moment, remember the hardest thing you have done in your life and then multiply that by 10. That is what you can expect to come your way. Does that suck? Yes! But, here we all are and we are all still alive and kicking. Be strong. I will give you this, you do have one aspect of your sitch that is a bit more difficult. The geographical distance. But, if you love her and want to save your M, you can overcome that.
3) Feeling crappy, out of control, helpless, desperate to hear her voice, whatever you may feel is OK. My MC has told me it is very, very important that you don't deny yourself time with your feelings. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to go out in the woods and scream and break things, do it. As long as you don't do it in front of your W, you will be fine. Actually, I recommend it. Last week, my wife was coming over on Tuesday night to have "the talk." So, what did I do? I left work early, went home, cleaned the house so that all was in order, spent two hours in the gym burning up my anger, rushed home, made myself a nice dinner, and right before she arrived, I took one shot of an adult beverage. When she arrived, the house looked great, I looked great having come from the gym, and I was composed and collected. You can read how the night went on my sitch. Don't deny your feelings and be prepared there will be good days and bad. Hell, I have already cried twice today for no damned good reason. Why? Well, I was watching a show about a person's father passing away? Boom, tears! Today, a song that was played at my wedding came on the radio. Boom, tears! Let it flow. This crap we have been taught all our lives that men can't have emotions is garbage. If I had emotions, my W would still be by my side.
4) Last and most importantly, learn how to use this forum and come here often. Make this a daily task. When I am proud of something I have done, I post it here. Others applaud my efforts and I feel good. When I am down, I come here. Others suddenly jump in and assure me that it will be OK and to be strong. My MC costs $300 per hour. This forum... FREE.
2step, as the founder and president of BITS, you are officially in the club. So far, we have Denver, Bolt, Lost, MJ, Sad, and the list goes on. I am sorry if I forgot anyone.
Good luck, stay strong and remember, "The only easy 'day' here is yester'day!'"
B.I.T.S.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I am so grateful for you and all those that have given me encouragement, I would say you have no idea how good it feels, but you do. I feel like we are all living a nightmare and Denver, hope, sandi, bolt, lost, mj, sad and you along with many others are in it together. Denver posted something earlier that TrueGritt wrote you should read it. I have read it three times already it was very inspiring. I have saved emails and text that my W has sent throughout this whole process and I have posted an email she sent while still here right before she left. Hopefully it get’s approved soon. It gives you guys and insight into our communications and what has been going on. Don’t know if it will help some of you guys because at times we have spoken very openly, maybe for those that have little or no communications with their spouse it will give them a little insight into what their WAS is thinking. Also to get a woman’s perspective on the whole thing would be great. I truly never thought I would be here in life but none of us did. I read you guys post and sometimes you seem so focused and strong but others times I see how much pain you guys are in and I am totally there with you. As for the club I gotta tell you this is the hardest membership I have ever endured to be a member of anything but I will wear my BITS patch with honor because I am in good company.
W is calling tonight. Called while I was on the phone with the DB Coach. She was pissed this is how the conversation went...
“First things first. Are you hurt?" I said "no why" "are you in the hospital?" "no" "then tell me why your best friend just went by my job in his police uniform. My boss was asking why a cop came looking for me" I told her I had no idea but I would call and find out.
A few minutes later she called back and said "hey I just texted him and he wants a loan" she works at a finance company. "so I said great. Give him some money. If you can call tonight I would like to say something to you, if you have time" she said "ok I'll call when I get off"
Basically my buddy lives in the same town where she works in OK and have known about our situation since the beginning. Of all my friends and family he is the only one who has maintained hope and believes we will work out our differences he has also given me some very solid advice. I guess he just wanted to go by and see how she was doing, if I know him (and I have for almost 20yrs) he wanted to get a status check on W to see how things are but he won't mention that to her.
So when she calls tonight I plan to keep it simple any advice???
As I mentioned W was suppose to call tonight after work that would of been 9PM my time. She called at 5:45PM.hmmmm this is how the conversation went.
I said "hello?" she said "hi you told me to call you back" "oh yeah just wanted to tell you that I sent the divorce papers signed to you and you should have them by tomorrow" I this point she said in a much softer voice "oh. Ok. Thank you" the voice almost sounded disappointed but that could be my imagination “I know you want your space and I respect that, I also know you really don't want to talk to me all that much so I will back off. If you ever want to speak to me I would love to talk. You can call me anytime" I this point I was prepared to hang up and say goodnight.
She said "it's not that I don't want to talk to you it's that I am tired of talking about the same thing" I said " I understand you've been clear on what you want and I have to respect that and you know where I stand. I am tired of saying it and you’re tired of hearing it. So the papers will come to your house and from the there you can do as you please"
The whole time I did what my DB coach suggested and smiled as I spoke to her. It also helped that I was feeling pretty good today and really didn't care if she called or not.
At several points I gave her a chance to hang up. She did not wait till she got off to call me she called during lunch. I said hey I know you are at lunch so I will let you go. Then she said "how is D?" I said good she is good. Then she started talking about work and said "you want to hear something depressing. I can be a manager at a fast food place and make more than I am making at this damn company. This [censored]!" At which point I did not miss a beat and said "well you know I really believe you will be alright. You are a fighter and a go getter. I am sure regardless of what you do you will land on your feet"
That really surprised her. "First time you said that about me. Never thought I would hear you say that" "well you proved me wrong"
Overall the conversation went well and I think she hung up feeling good about it. Here is what I have taken away from this
1. I am no longer missing the small victories. At this point is just making her feel good about talking to me.
2. Because she perceives me as aggressive and mean if I am nice and I encourage her she feel confidence.
3. NO MORE MARRIAGE TALK!!!
4. I ended the conversation, not the other way around.
5. All is not well in the world of W.
I realized this after last Saturdays talk and I actually felt good about being happy for a change. I am sure by tonight I will find a reason to be depressed.
Where are the BITS, hope, sandi and Tulsa, MR Bond some feedback am I on the right track
Well for one thing I need to do a lot of validating in my case. My wife feels as if I have really ran her down. I need to let her know that it is ok to take time that it is ok if she goes through with the D and that I respect her for taking action. If she ever needs someone to talk to she can call anytime.
Also if she does initiate contact to ask for her opinion and then thank her for giving it.
One thing I forgot to mention when we spoke earlier today at one point I was about to hang up and I said "ok babe oh I mean (her name) sorry it just kind of slipped" it really did she started to laugh and said "it's ok I don't get mad at that" I was surprised.
I use the quotations so that I stay true to the comments and don't read into anything. This way I really get good advice based on her actual words and I get good advice based on my response.
