Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Having a really hard time...

Denver's right. You need to show some kind of passion that you are still in it to a certain degree. I mean right now you say you're too afraid to hear the sound of her voice. So are you going to text the rest of your life?

Does she ask how you're doing in these texts? You want to do something different? Then call her. Just a friendly one to see how she's doing. No expectations.

Conquer your fear by doing that first. Even if it's a 2 minute conversation, start opening the door a little. Take some of that control back. Just one phone call at a time. No R talks at all. Keep it light and friendly as if you've moved on in your head and was just calling a friend to catch up.

Ok, I think I have made a little progress (and I surely would have messed this moment up completely if I hadn't found DB lol)

She replied to my email today and is opening up a little conversation. You can tell that it is things she has wanted to say but felt like she had to be cold to keep from sending me mixed messages (she kept saying that she didn't want to send mixed messages before)

here is her email:

I don't think I've seen anything like that for you but I'll look tonight. Just give me an idea of how much you plan to spend daily or weekly so I'm not surprised to see charges every time. I have to take some time to figure out my budget & how I can split out stuff/liquidity since it's before tax refund/bonus time. Your cell bill went up $40 & is due the 31st.

Are you going to work full time for Jason? Sounds like a good move - you probably know several people there, too. Crazy you didn't get sick. Slayde is adorable. you're going to miss more snow here. Glad you're doing well.

........

Slayde is my nephew (sister's kid and she used to be semi close to my sister)

What I would have replied before I found DB is something like this:

You think I'm doing well? This isn't the life I want. I want my marriage to last forever and I want you to be my wife!

....

so, obviously that would have been completely wrong. But my question is this: How do I reply to this and sound ok but not give her the mindset that the divorce is best for both of us? Or do I just need to let her think that and then she can feel alone and start thinking twice about it? This is definitely the type of moment that I was messing up badly before and I want to know how I should handle it. I don't think I will reply until tonight so that I have time to get some good ideas.

I think I was so caught up in LRT that I wasn't able to see that it really wasn't working. You guys are right though... I definitely need to reestablish contact I think but just stay completely away from any R or M talk.

Or is it possible that she just has it in her head that the divorce is best for us and she will be gone? lol ...i'm tortured.

"is it possible that she just has it in her head that the divorce is best for us and she will be gone?"

This is what's going through her head.

How far away are you from home? Have you ever asked how she's doing? Maybe just call her in response to this text. Tell her that it would have taken you too long to type everything out. Answer her questions, then move on to how she's doing.

Keep it short and end the conversation first as if you have something to do or someone to meet. See what happens from there.

"W - I am well. Thanks for letting me know about the cell phone bill. Damn, I would love to see Slayde. I bet he is adorable. I miss him. How are you doing?
Whatnext?"

Slayde is my nephew that she is seeing on Facebook but not in real life. But other than that I think that's solid. I am in Houston until the 28th looking for a job and doing some contract work for a friend. She is about 8 hours from here in Tulsa. I pretty much have to move here to find work which is a huge part of my gal but if we can reconcile it would be better for her career if she lived here too.

Another question.. should I mention to her that I am here looking for work? I am working for Jason (as she mentions in the email) but it's not full time. Do I say "I'm here working for him for the next 2 weeks but I'm looking for work while I'm here" ? I don't know how to answer her question... I have told her that I am planning to move to Houston though.

What Next. You're right, there is no more "us", right now. However, there can be a new "US". Your past relationship may be dead, but new growth and relationship is possible for you both.
You're in a hard place right now ( heck so am I! and right now I'm having a difficult time keeping optimistic and goal focused), but there is hope.

I believe at some point your wife will recognise that she can never , ever please her parents and she must be herself for herself.
She is a worthy and valuable person as she is NOW. She has an intrinsic value no one can steal from her that is divine in nature. Her worth is not determined by people pleasing behaviour, or based upon her performance.

This is a hard message to absorb, realise and live. You can help her with that, but you may have to be very, very patient and seek out resources that help her with this. The work is hers though, you can only support and affirm when that time comes( and obviously you can't do that while DBing).

So what should I do now Scylia? Stay backed off? Try to reestablish a connection?

Lol, What Next, you think I have answers?

See my signature. I'm in a holding pattern after the H's email of last week, it's wait and see. He didn't even wish me a Happy Birthday on my birthday this week, hasn't talked to me but to ask to say goodnight to the kids...once and I was matter of fact, pleasant but businesslike.

The other times he's left phone messages as we were out and I asked the kids to return their father's call, and there were no greetings to me passed on.

I don't know myself whether to initiate contact or just act like I accept his email bombshell and behave in a business like fashion.

That said, my counselor said to be upbeat, happy, friendly ( treat the H like a brother) so if I do speak to him in person or on the phone, that's the person I will choose to be, and I likely will talk to him on the phone tonight when he calls for the kids just because I'm the one that answers the phone.

Given what I've been advised and if you were her brother, would you give her a call to see how she is doing, ask about her day and interests and make the call about her and not you? Would you listen empathetically, attentively and let her steer the conversation?

What is your normal pattern in your interaction. What's the positive alternative behaviour?

Next--

You say your wife's complaints are all over the place, some of them have merit and some of them don't. In that statement COULD lie some of the problem. Maybe not, but you might be judging her complaints, and she may feel that you don't cherish her feelings. What specifically were they?

And then--what were your patterns of interaction when you were in love, and what were they when you were breaking up?

The only thing I see is the passiveness over where to go to eat.