Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need advice please!!! Not sure on next move?

Thanks MrBond! You made me LOL!

Hmm maybe you should go all the way with the tight black leather pants. That will get him thinking! Good luck!

Hi Dixie. I read through your thread. I don't quite understand the dynamic bw you and H from the time that he initially left and now. You are still M'd. But he has a place to live separate from you? How close does he live? What does he do for a living where he only comes to see you on his day off? What has been his position on returning to M home during all of this time? What is he looking for before he will return to truly work on M?

You two have been separated for going on 5 years it sounds like. IMO, you have not had a true M during this time. Do you agree with that?

Further, it sounds like you have allowed him to gorge on cake for years. He gets the benefit of having a W to see once a week and go on trips with, but also gets to be single! Dixie, IMHO, this has to stop. Listen, I have been accused of being a real b*stard when it has come to my gfs and even my W through the years. I always had the attitude that I could take or leave them. For the most part that has always been true bc I always knew that there were plenty of women out there and that I am good at dating them. It wasn't until my W came along and made me fall in love with her that I let this part of me go... somewhat... some of the attitude remained which has landed me here. Now I'm ready to get rid of it completely and am working on it. I have been HUMBLED!

Ok, so the point is, is that I was able to get away with all of that cr*p bc the women that I dated LET ME. Your H will continue with the way that he is living his life as long as you LET HIM. There is no reason for him to change. Have you ever heard the saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" That is your H. IMO.

As he does with everyone, Bond is giving you excellent advice. In fact, I think that he is particularly on his game here on your thread. You need to start being strong, confident, and someone who realizes that she is worthy of being loved. And your H has to have a little fear jarred into him that he may lose that woman forever!

Begin by detaching (a part of this that I find particularly difficult myself). Then GAL. Start doing things that build your self confidence and let you live the life that you want to live for YOU... stop living and waiting for H to come in and out of your life. If you do this, and he truly loves you, then maybe, just maybe, he will start to see the dangerous line that he is walking by treating his M this way.

Denver

Dixie,
I have to agree with Bond and Denver. You are letting this guy get away with murder. I hope I am not overstepping my role here, but it really seems like he is using you as his fall-back. That is not right and not fair to you. You deserve better than that as a human being and a W. It is time for you to start doing some serious DB'ing. Start making him think that he could lose you forever. He will either get his head straight and come around or he will move on. But, you can't keep living this way. You only get one life, don't spend yours with a person who sees you as his "insurance policy" at best. Next time he says he "misses you," don't respond. Make him say it again before you respond. The more he has to say it the more he will have to think about what he is doing. Come on, girl!

I second the notion that this is NOT your final chance. Don't look at it that way. Until one of you moves to China or passes on to another world, there is always a chance. Heck, I have an aunt and an uncle that have divorced and remarried twice. Really long story.

Pull yourself up and make him start to worry. Put some of this pain and heartache and indecision in his court for a period. It might change his outlook on your R.

Keep us posted!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

Dixie,
One more thing that might help you to have faith in my post. For 3 1/2 months, I jumped ever time my W said jump because I was too scared to fight back. If you read my sitch, you know that last Tuesday night I finally laid down some law on my part. I did with a kind voice and a smile on my face, but she knew I meant business. I stated the following:

1) I will no longer accept contact via electronic means. If you want to talk with me, you will call me. No exceptions.

2) Since we are not really married according to you, the next time I see you I will expect you to deliver the very expensive engagement ring and anniversary band I bought you. She cried a bit when I told her this, but I didn't flinch.

3) I also told her since she has not paid a single bill toward our home in four months that I would be taking her house keys that evening. Once again, she flinched, seemed a bit taken back. I did not flinch. She tried to leave without giving them to me, but I politely reminded her and she gave them up.

Our entire communication sitch has now changed since I decided to take some control back. Suddenly I am no longer this sniveling cry-baby begging her to come home. I showed her that I too can end this thing. I showed her that I have my own control in this thing and I am now willing to use it. The best part is I didn't do it in a sh*tty or mean way. I was calm, collected and even held her hand at one point while I did it. But I did it and she now knows that I too can mean business.

I highly recommend giving this a try. Remember, don't be spiteful or say it with a cocky "hey, screw you" attitude. Be polite, smile, maybe include a slight touch, BUT LAY DOWN SOME LAW. He will leave that meeting with some serious thoughts to deal with.

Good luck!

FOBD

Thanks yall! @ Denver, H lives about 35 minutes away in the next town. He lives in a house w/a few guys. However, they have all moved on got married and etc. He has to move out. Is moving in with his Grandparents for month. Till this other house/w some friends comes ready. He doesent know I know any of this...he apparently does not want me to know this???? But, his female cousin whom I have been very close with all these years told me. She thought it was childish and I should know.

He has said over and over again...that he cant come home. That he doesnt want to come back just to leave again and hurt me. He says, that he just thought one day he would wake up and want to go home. He says, he doesnt know what is wrong with him. That he knows how great of a W I am. That not giving up on us all this time made him love me more. But,that hes scared because its been so long. That its not fair to me. He said, that he has been struggling with all the guilt of the things he has done to me. That its hard to forgive himself.

We had been in a holding pattern for sometime. This last few months till our big fight on the phone. He had for the 1st time been talking about us being a family again, me making a great Mom, Having kids with me, saying Ive been the worst H to you and stuff like that.

But, I was so pisst all the time that I just shut him down or did nothing. Until the day I challenged him. He got so mad! He then said he ended it. He notified his family days before Christmas that I would not be attending. Then he called my Mom crying saying he wanted to make sure she was still coming to be with me. He didnt want me to be alone. On New Years Eve at midnight he called and said, just wanted to tell you Happy New Year gotta go I'm at work. He is a pit boss at a Casino in OK over the Poker room. He works from 4p till 1a sometimes later. (We live in North Texas area so he drives there with his buddies they car pool and stuff.)

Then on Jan 8th our Wedding Ann. he sent the msg via FB that he would be thinking of me and etc. I didnt respond too it. He then called that morning when he got off work. No talk of R just work and stuff.

So, last night he texted and asked about what the Vet said about the dog. I told him. That was it.

@Fellonblackdays, your correct that I have to be strong and show him that if this is what he wants then so be it. I have to take back my life, my part. I was so resentful that he started showing in all parts of my life. I started to not enjoy the things I really like. I went back to Church, back to the choir, forced myself to read some books which I usually adore doing. Ive been taking long walks again. I love to travel. So, Im thinking about taking a weekend trip to the OK State Park. Renting a cabin and fishing/read stuff like that. I have even thought about finally starting my flying lessons. I always wanted to do that. I'm trying a bit at a time. But, I have no family to speak of. So, I am alone most of the time. Where as he has his family all around him. So, I'm trying to remind myself that GOD is with me all the time and I have friends from Church/Work that I can lean on. If I let them.

Its just confusing when my new C tells me one thing and DBing says another. Ya don't know which one to do. But, though my C is saying to ask him/try one more time if he will go to C again or a Marraige retreat. I think its not best right now. H expects that from me I'm sure. He knows that I don't want this. He already knows how much I love him.

Thank you both for your support and words of wisdom. I really need that right now. It helps so much. Keep it coming!!! Wish me luck today!!! Ill let yall know what happened.

"Its just confusing when my new C tells me one thing and DBing says another."

DBing is counter intuitive. And besides, traditional MC isn't very good at saving marriages according to studies.

You need to start doing things that allow you to socialize. You don't need to go out and get drunk and dance on the bar, just things where you can meet new people... friends. Do you like to dance? If so, start going dancing. I pretty certain that a woman, by herself, will find plenty of dance partners. This doesn't mean that you are cheating on your H or any other bad thing. It just means that you are out having fun and meeting new people. It will help you with some self confidence. I think that you feel way too reliant on your H right now... and have, for years.

Good Afternoon Yall!

UPDATE: So, H was suppose to come mid-morning TODAY per his text yesterday to pick up the Dog. No show...

At 3:46P he texted me saying: " Would you mind keeping her for another day or two? Im so exhausted and cant get out of bed today.

Of course I got really pisst! But, I didnt respond mad like I would. Instead, I paused and said, "I would love too".

H replied: " Think I'm getting sick".

I responded: "That's a bummer, weather is pretty crazy latley. Hope you feel better."

H replied: "Thanks"

So, that's it...Don't know if I did good or not. But, I wanted to lash out at him and say something like....This is so typical of you. You never do what you say...blah blah blah. That's what I would have done in the past.

Of course, my mind is racing...he only has one day off. Is he w/someone? Is he out having big fun? What's he really doing? Did he just not want to see/deal with me? Ya know all that crazy stuff we start thinking!

Dang, I had prayed all day about the interaction and thought how I would handle myself and etc. I just feel so frustrated. Plus, this texting stuff just makes me so upset. How do you go from speaking to someone everyday, to just NOTHING! Now, I'm only good enough for a text???? I'm just your damn W who has put up w/your crap for years now. When you lost your mind!! What is he 12 or something???? You cant pick up the damn phone and talk to me like a grown up!??? UGH....Sigh.....

Sorry, I'm just venting now.....but, yall know how it feels!

So, Mr. Bond and Denver...Plan B???? Did I handle the text right ya think?

Trust Bond's opinion on this way more than mine Dixie, he has much more experience. But IMO I think that you handled fantastically.

Don't let your mind wonder about what he is doing. You need to detach from him right now. Plenty to read here about 'detaching'.

The texting bothers me too. But, for some, it is just an easy way to communicate. It may not mean anything at all. I wouldn't get too caught up in worrying about that right now.