Thanks for your support marcusko and grebjack. Some days I'm strong, positive and proactive. Other days not so much. I'm leaning heavily on my coaches these days, and trying to do what's best for me and the kids.
I'm in a weird place though, between trying to detach with compassion and understanding, and just not caring anymore. I think I'm shutting down emotionally to protect myself. I feel like I've been a raw and open wound too long. It's easier to feel nothing and close a mental door than to feel anything right now.
It's hard to continue to love andcare about someone that behaves and appears to feel that you are an inconvienent and insignificant individual they MUST ( but would rather not) deal with under any circumstances.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Positive things: He signed the card and bought flowers with my sons for my birthday the Sunday before. (This was 5 days after he dropped the email bomb.) I had a brief chat when he called to say goodnight to the kids. I was chirpy and upbeat and asked nicely about his work trip and asked him how things were going. That went well ( I thought) I was enthused about the new the new thigns he was talking about. He seemed to appreciate my interest. He texted me Friday morning to wish me a happy belated birthday. He called last night to say goodnight to the kids, he asked (iirc) how my day went, I told him about our youngest's dental adventure of the day.
I'm trying not to read too much into this beyond basic courtesy and general interest. I am of the mindset right now, that I have to take him at his word and he means what he says. He wants a divorce. Breaks my heart, but I can't do anything about it.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Maybe the numbness you're feeling is just what you need for a while. There were days when I was so bereft and so tired I wished I could feel numb and the best I could do was go to sleep.
I wonder if the way this works is that every day you have to decide if the promise (and likelihood) of reconciliation is worth the energy it takes to feel and act on hope. If you have many days of feeling it's not worth it, maybe that will give you the will to accept the end of the marriage. I don't know. I do know right now that you're here because you want your marriage to survive, so I'm wishing for you more strong, hopeful, patient days.
Peace,
Rebecca
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
I wonder if the way this works is that every day you have to decide if the promise (and likelihood) of reconciliation is worth the energy it takes to feel and act on hope.
thank you for your kind words, I'm going to write this on my bedroom mirror with dry erase marker as a daily reminder.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
