Well, I was very pursuing. I pursued hard until I got her.
I was very romantic and affectionate.
So how do I become the man I was before M, if I am not supposed to do these things
But that's not the sum total of who you were as a man. It's sad that men stop the chase b/c usually the romance stops too. Men thinks sex takes the place of romance after M. Unfortunately, my H has not shown much romantic imagination ever since we've been M. I found it fun to think up romantic things to do, but just once, it would thrill me for him to surprise me with something.
For you, you need to focus on the other things you were before M. I bet you'll think of a few. What are some areas you've gotten kind of "don't care" attitude?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I feel like I dropped the rope a long time ago. Can you catch up on my threads 'Deja vu...'? I moved out a week and a half ago, but I still go home every morning to take kids to school and pick up kids from school and drop them off. Living arrangement is just a room rental temporarily(so I hope)
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
I think it is sad we get lazy after the chase. It brings out the best in us, and it is exciting and fun. Doesn't make much sense to why we stop.
I try to think back and I can't come up with much. I feel I am a better man in most aspects than I was then. What I have came up with is, be a better father (which I wasn't a father then) and the biggy is get rid of the grumpy angry person I had become.
As for looking back and seeing who she fell in love with? I don't know, going to have to keep looking.
I want to appologize to Denver. Did not mean to take over your thread. Sorry. I will stop. I hope we can all learn from everyone's posts.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
I am not here to hurt anyone, please believe that.
I absolutely know that Sandi. I don't think that you would spend your personal time reading all of these threads and giving advice if you weren't doing to help others. I for one am really happy that you are here to do that. And I appreciate it.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Without going back to reread your thread, I would dare say the first advice you were given was to detach. Detach, let go of control, pull back.....what is unclear about that? Don't blame disorganization on us if you can't follow through on the very first step of DBing.
I'm not blaming anyone on this board or anyone else for that matter. I am responsible for my choices and I know that I've made some in the past week or so that have gone against DB advice. I didn't mean to leave the impression that I was blaming anyone.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
It was due to me turning to another man to fulfill my emotional needs. In all our years together, my H never talked with me. I was starved for emotional intimacy. He never approached me with anything that might improve our MR. If I tried to talk to him about anything that was serious, he stared at the TV and wouldn't say a word. I felt like I was M to a knot on a log.
When he discovered OM, then H smothered me with attention. It backfired.
So what did he do once that backfired that changed things around for YOU?
Originally Posted By: sandi2
This is the part that LBH's don't understand. Let's say a woman does feel abandoned due to her H being absent. But once she becomes a WAW, and if he tries to to be there all the time....it doesn't work. Yes, she wanted and needed him to spend time with her before...but after she becomes a WAW in mind or physically, it's too late to apply those things. It's too late b/c of her frame of mind. If you try to be the H she used to desire....it will disgust her. If you try to be there with her instead of being absent, she will feel that you are smothering her. She doesn't want you following her around, talking to her, giving her all your attention. Not now! She's changed!
I certainly can't argue with that. I hardly recognize the person that my W has become in the past 2 months.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I don't know how to convince you that you cannot try to be who she once wanted. You have to become the man you were before M....or better. But you can't deceive yourself into believing she wants it, when in reality you are too afraid to do what is needed. You are looking for somebody to tell you this is the way to DB, and some newcomer might think you're right.....but I doubt you'll find a WAW who'll agree.
As long as my H pursued me...it turned me off. When he detached and left me along....then we entered into the first baby-steps of piecing.
One more thing, I could tell my H was scared. Your W can tell you are afraid, too. It is so unbecoming to a woman. She wants her man to be confident in R's.
Your explanation in this post has explained this part little better for me. I'm going to think hard about what you said here. thanks.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey Denver - Sorry I've been a little silent lately - work stuff and had a bad week (got a paper from the court).
Anyway, I don't want you to think I forgot ya. Just wanted to check in.
Stay strong and hope you are doing ok.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Guess it's how you see it, b/c to me...your W is applying exactly what you should be doing. Only exception is she initiated TM's.
Look back over the conversation again. She kept her sentences very short and she was the one to end the conversation first, every time.
To me it appears as though you are pushing, but to you I'm sure it seems as if you're being a good friend. JMHO.
I know it's frustrating for you. Sometimes you may feel that everything you do or say is wrong. Keep learning what works....that's the important part. ((hugs))
That's what I'm trying to do; learn what works. I was almost completely dark with her for the first 3 weeks that we were physically separated and that seemed to allow her time to lose some of the anger towards me. She initiated some contact and even agreed to see me that one night before xmas. But when I continued to be dark, I seemed to take a couple of steps backwards. Maybe I became impatient. Then I had that convo with my FIL where he said that he heard W thinks that I don't love her and don't care about M because I'm not doing anything proactive. It has confused me. And yes, the longer that she and I go without contact, the more the fear and anxiety raises in me. I can't deny that.
Like I said, I will think hard about what you are saying here Sandi. thanks again.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, who were you when she fell in love with you? Do you have any early letters, e-mails? NOT to send to her (no matter how tempting) but remind yourself who you were in the beginning. What made you attractive to her?
Taking that advice too.
I was a friend to her more than anything probably. That is why I'm having problems with the concept of detaching and going dark and ALSO trying to be THAT person. It seems like it is impossible to do both. Frustrating. I feel like I'm trying to learn calculus here!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Well, I was very pursuing. I pursued hard until I got her.
I was very romantic and affectionate.
So how do I become the man I was before M, if I am not supposed to do these things?
I guess that I'm not the only one having the same dilemma here. Each post just phrases is differently.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
