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MJ, Sad and Onestep,
Thanks for the kind words. What amazes me about all of this is the horrible emotional swings I continue to feel. I should feel great about what I did, yet this morning I kind of broke down anyway. I guess this will happen. I have decided that I will no longer feel bad about getting emotional as long as I am not in front of my W. For now, she cannot see that side of me for many reasons.

I do want to share two things I have discovered over the past week that I think would help everyone:

1) I have been expirementing for a couple weeks with my "environment shift theory" when the anxiety or mood swings hit and I am proud to announce it really helps. So, the next time you feel a bout of sadness coming on, change your environment. Leave the room you are in, call someone, surf the net, clean something, ANYTHING. It really, really seems to help. Now, don't rob yourself completely of the sad times. We must all feel that to really begin to heal. But, if you are in a situation where you can't afford a breakdown at that moment, change your environment.

2) EAT!! As I was writing down observations about myself in an attempt to combat this mess I am in, I noticed something. Whenever I get too upset or too busy to eat, I start to feel alot worse. Now, I make sure to not miss meals or at least snack in some way if I have to miss a meal for work. For whatever reason, my body gets really upset when I miss a meal or go long periods without eating. This in turn seems to cause the bouts of depression or anxiety. So, I am not suggesting stuffing your face with cheeseburgers, but keep your caloric intake at a steady and healthy level. I talked to my doctor about this and he stated that I am right on the money on this one. So, please everyone, don't forget to feed your body and it won't cause your mind so much trouble.

Please let me know if anyone has experienced these same issues or results. I would love to know if I can help just one person today. That is something I am trying to do to make my world and my world around me a better place.

Nothing much new to report on the S front. Still a bit buzzed and confused about some of my W's reactions last night. She did call me today as she promised to discuss some of the money issues we have to settle. She was very nice to me and wished me well at the end of the call. But, she seemed to be in a rush to get off the phone. That is a bit unusual as compared to how she has acted over the past two weeks. Stupidly, I let that get to me today. Not smart, but I am only human. I figure there could be three possible reasons why she did what she did today and I don't know which one is the truth:

1) Now that I have forced our interactions off of email and into face-to-face meetings, she is having to spend quite a bit of time with me. For weeks, she hid behind the "electronic wall" of email and texts. Now, she has to talk with me and I think it is getting to her a bit. It is really hard to sit there and face the one you once loved and tell them harmful stuff. Not to mention, it forces her to come to grips with what she is doing. She could be fearful of her own feelings. Spending all this time with me in our home may be getting to her.

2) She is just softening me up for the kill. If she is, she is one hell of an actress. Far better than I could have ever imagined. But, after looking into her eyes last night, I am not sure this is the case. I saw some true sorrow and doubt last night. Once again, having to face me and seeing this "new" version of me is probably tough. Well, at least I hope...

3) She is fearful that spending too much time on the phone with me will lead me into a false sense of hope. She has stated on at least three occasions that she does not want to give me "false hope" of a reconciliation because of what it might do to me. The last time she stated that, I replied politely with, "Don't worry about my emotions. Those are for me to control, not you. But I do value and appreciate your concern. Thank you!"

I know, I know. I am spending too much time worrying about her and I should be focused on me. But, I am just trying to "watch and monitor" as the DR instructed me to. Thoughts anyone?

I just found out tonight that she reached out via email to my mother and sister this week. Something she has not done in some time. I just don't get it. There were moments last night where I could see true doubt in her eyes. There were moments where I caught her just looking intently at me. I clearly could tell when it was time to leave, she seemed to stall. But, at other times, she was clearly checked out mentally. I told my C about this and he claims that this is a clear sign that she is as, if not more, confused by all of this than I am and that I need to make sure that I stay the course so that one of us is on track. So, now I have another really important reason to continue to DB.

Good luck tomorrow to all my B.I.T.S.!

FOBD

Hey FOBD! Meant to congratulate you on your successful meeting with W the other night but ended up not having time last night. Sounds like you did a fantastic job of DBing. I hope that I get to the same point that you are bc I think that I am a bit behind.

To answer your question about your 'environmental shift' theory... yes, it helps me as well when I get down about my sitch. Unfortunately there are times when I am unable to do it bc of circumstances. I have a 45 minute to/from my office and that is when I almost always seem to struggle bc there is nothing to shift to other than the driving. I listen to sports radio, but there is only so much you can listen to about the Broncos these days without letting our mind drift

Good advice to eat too. I find myself in a bad way when I don't eat bc of lack of appetite or whatever.

The three reasons that you list as possible explanations for your W's actions today are the same ones that I list for why my W has softened up over the past several weeks, but still seems to have this invisible hand pushing me away. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing... unless you are a mind reader. All you can do is stay the course man. Keep doing what you have been bc it seems to be working. Remember that!

I also don't think that there is any question that our W's are confused right now. I don't care what anyone says, you don't cut off your feelings for someone who you have loved and dreamed of a future with for years in a few months without there being doubt that you are making the right choices. They have doubt in their minds whether they want to admit it or not. The problem is, at least with my W, is that I think that she is so damn stubborn, that she will do her best to keep that doubt as suppressed as possible. That's why we have to continue to poke little holes in their wall over time until we get that doubt to become a flood. You are doing a great job of doing that.

BITS!
Denver

What up FOBD,
You're right... This roller coaster ride stinks! One MINUTE your up and the next MINUTE you're down.

I had a really difficult day today. I think its cause I have not seen W due to a long business trip and her going away for the weekend (5 4 days now). I feel like I need to be in fromt of her to make the changes. At the same time, I know that time and space away may make her THINK of the damgerous behaviors she is doing... Every day, every action, every reaction is a guessing game. Again ROLLER COASTER!

So I just got reading a chapter of "his needs Her Needs"... Great conversation. Almost an hour on the phone the last 3 out of 4 nights... And guess what? There are still doubts.

I believe this will go on until we truly feel that our WAW's love us and genuinly want to be with us.

In the mean time, GAL, 180, and LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING!!!

Tomorrow is a NEW day! CHARGE!!!!!!!!

Sad,
I don't know why I am tracking this, but I am. Recently my wife and I went close to 70 days with only 2 1/2 minutes of physically seeing each other. During our 15 year relationship, the longest I had gone without talking to her via phone while away was 1 day and the longest we had ever been apart physically was 5 days. So, I do feel your pain, my brother. But, in hindsight, I do believe it helped. It gave my W time to forget why she was so pissed at me and why she left. Things are definitely different now that we have had some time apart.

Hang in there, my man. We are here for each other!

FOBD

FOBD,

Your suggestions are right on the mark! Change your environment is so important. I also think changing up your routine is important. It helps me to detach a bit. I have routines now that were not associated to my life with H and it helps me to feel a little more secure that I can do this on my own if I have to.

Eating - Very true. Very hard. I have to document my eating for my trainer at the gym. Let's just say that has not gone well for me. I am barely eating, but I try. I always have something next to me in order to at least try. But the science is the science and your levels do a deep dive if you're not properly eating.

Ok - now to the good part... I agree with your C wholeheartedly. I walked away from a long term relationship (a long time ago) and the LAST thing I wanted to do was talk to his family. When my H was still considering working on the M, he asked for my mom's number. As he became more intent upon leaving, he decided not to reach out to her. I can give you example after example that I really believe that this is a good thing. Stay on course, you are doing so great!!! You really need to be proud of yourself. And if you read my post earlier today (when it gets posted), I also am struggling with trying to stop reading every one of my H's behaviors. It drives me crazy, but somehow I have to stop doing it. It doesn't help that I am a "thinker" of sorts. I am always thinking or worying about something. My M and my H are just my new obsessions. (Wish I had that attitude before it all went down the toilet).

Be proud! Keep up the faith and the hope. And please understand that your attitude is becoming infectious especially to a few of us around here. This doesn't mean you cannot have your bad days, but I feel like I'm catching even a little bit of your hope!

LIS

Denver,
I am glad you can sympathize. You just can't turn it off. They might be able to block it with anger or rage or disappointment, but you just can't turn off love that went on for 15 years. The other night (why I did this, I don't know. I guess I like torture.), I pulled out a box in which I keep all the cards and love letters that she has given me over the past 15 years. As short as one year ago, she was still madly in love with me. She said so in the damned card. Now, I am supposed to believe she just turned it off in a couple of months??? It just doesn't work that way. That is why I am willing to wait for her. If I can't turn it off, I refuse to believe she can so easily.

B.I.T.S.!

FOBD

You are brave man! I just came across a similar box of cards/notes from my W just last night. I pushed it back about as quickly as I could once I realized what it was. I just couldn't take that right now.

Lost,
Thanks for the kind words. It is nice to know that we can all find strength in our pain. Unfortunately, your inspiration fell a bit today. My W called yesterday and we had a brief, but pleasant conversation about the household goods. We decided that she would come over on Saturday and pack what she wants and the movers will be here on Monday to take the heavy stuff. At the time, the conversation didn't bother me. I had a good day at work, spent the evening have dinner with my mother and went to bed feeling OK.

Then this morning came around and things went south. The alarm went off at 7am and I just broke down. I had a dream last night that we were reunited and doing some grocery shopping together. That was it, just shopping together. But, in my dream I was aware of the S and I just kept telling myself over and over how happy I was that she was back. Then the alarm went off. I turned it off, rolled over and started to lose it a bit. I never made it to work today. I didn't get out of bed until noon. Luckily, I work out of my house, so no one at my job knows what I did. Damn it!!! Every time I think I have got this thing on the ropes, it sneaks up behind me and whips my *ss. So frustrating!!! One day at a time, I guess. The only easy day here is yesterday!

Keep posting! You guys are wonderful company at night when I am in my house alone.

FOBD

Hey FOBD - I'm here at my house all by myself as well. You are not alone. Don't feel too badly about having a bad day emotionally. That was me ALL last week. It comes and goes I guess as I have now had a couple of tolerable days in a row now.

I've also had a few nights where I've had similar dreams, just not grocery shopping though . And I haven't remembered any of my dreams in years! But when it happens, it seems you have to deal with the hurt, abandonment, and loneliness all over again. So I know how that feels.

I don't know how much stuff your W still has to move out of your home, but it sounds like maybe you need to really mentally prepare yourself for this weekend when she moves her stuff out. For me, after W brought the moving truck, there was something especially horrible in seeing the empty spots in the home where her stuff had been. Just kind of prepare yourself for that so that it won't be such a shock to your system as it was for me.

Keep us posted man.

BITS!!

Denver

Denver,
Yea, I don't know why I looked in that box. I really don't. I guess I wanted to, for just a moment, remember what once was. It wasn't all bad, but definitely not what a good DB'er should be doing. Totally my bad...

As for Saturday, you are very correct my friend. I am quite sure that I am headed for a full scale meltdown on Monday night when the movers are finished. We have agreed for now that she can have 1/2 of the furniture to put in her new apartment. I know that I am going to be in for a very long couple of days as I face the empty spaces in the house. But somewhere in the back of my head, I have a vision of the day that the movers return with that stuff. Maybe I am setting myself up for a fall, but that video is fun to watch sometimes when I am feeling down. Remember, nothing is over until we say it is, right? Thanks for the advice and warning. Very good information.

Since one good turn deserves another, let me ask you if you have tried going to the gym yet? If no, please do. Over the past three months, I have made some friends there. In between sets while I rest, I now have some folks to interact with right before I head home for another lonely evening at home. It really helps. So, if you have not tried this route, give it a shot. I love coming home and seeing the changes in my body. Frankly, at 39, I have never looked better.

Stay in touch!

BITS!

FOBD