Please consider that your words about weight and fitness when used to devalue people based on their weight or fitness level are very hurtful to many here (and, FWIW, not very flattering for you).
I've had a breakthrough and think I'm done. I read something and thought something else, and wonder if these apply other BS's.
"In a dysfunctional relationship, Person A will do something hurtful and wrong, and when Person B objects, Person A will become defensive, argumentative and stand there until Person B appologizes."
I'd add the following: "Also in a dysfunctional relationship, when Person A meets their relationship obligations it will be with fanfare, and an expectation of being thanked, as though they are doing Person B a favor and are now 'owed'. Meanwhile, Person B will quietly meet their relationship obligations and will only be recognized by Person A when they do not meet expectations." This creates an imbalance in the relationship, and a sense of entitlement, I think. The kind of situation, I think, that could lead Person A into thinking they can have an affair and deserve to have one.
Am not sure why this took so long to figure out, but I feel like I'm free. I want to be with someone who quietly meets their own obligations and I meet mine. A mutual, joyful and loving relationship.
Somehow, this realization is leading me to really detach. Hooray!
A few things have happened in the past few days that I would normally need to "vent" about. But my new reaction isn't anger, its "well, I'm not surprised", "this reinforces what I already know" and then to let it go. It will probably build up and then I'll have another venting episode...but I've gone from getting angry to just expecting it. And when it doesn't surprise me, I see that it was symptomatic of our marriage. Example--XH went to his band practice tonight instead of going to see our 5th grader's orchestra concert. He could have rearranged practice--its just him and another guy--but instead of feeling anger, it just reinforces what I felt in the marriage--that his "stuff" always trumped everyone else's stuff. No use trying to fight it. Just recognize it and let it go. It feels almost more enlightening than anything else.
Excuse me OT, I did nothing of the sort; simply made an accurate statement about the OW. I said nothing to devalue her. Others on here have called the OW much worse. It's all how we see it and I made absolutely no references to anyone on here and neither should you.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
In fact, I just read fat and ugly by another poster and you didn't respond to that, so please allow us to have our say and I don't believe the strong people on this board take things so personally anyway.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I think that basing the value of someone on their outside appearance makes YOU look like an ass.
I am a chubby woman with gray hairs and wrinkles.
If you saw me on the street, in passing, you wouldn't think anything of me...or you might snicker (as I have had people do) because I am not made up and I am wearing clothes I found on my floor and I probably have baby food or cookies smeared on my shirt.
I have had several thin and fit, beautiful women dismiss me because I am "not in their league."
It shows ignorance
if you bothered to look underneath the wrinkles you would see quick laughter and a giving and generous nature... underneath the gray hair is a brilliant mind, able to discuss a myriad of topics intelligently and with great depth behind the chubby you would find warmth and a love of all people I am fiercely loyal and have friendships that have lasted my whole life
you don't know my story you don't know my life
all you know is what I look like
you are right most cheaters trade down, for whatever reason
but OT is right
when you bash on someone because of their looks it makes you LOOK like an arrogant a$$
If you need to make others small so you feel big there is something lacking in YOU, not them
fig, OT is not right. Saying someone is chubby is just an observation; it does not devalue them in anyway; it's simply the truth on a person's outside appearance.
I think taking it so personally shows an incredible amount of insecurity. Someone who loves herself would care less about a statement like that.
My amazing friends come in all shapes, sizes and colors and I love them all for who they are.
My XH left me because I am in elite shape. I am in that kind of shape because it's in my blood; I can't help it. Believe me, I've been "devalued" often because I chose to live my life so strictly. It works both ways. And, I would hate like heck for people to think that's all I am because I am so much more. I've learned that in my next relationship I must have someone who understands that, appreciates it and is not threatened by it. My XH left me for a very insecure, broken woman who will leave him at the curb someday. She is brilliant and attractive and gave him what I couldn't. Enough said...but I never meant to devalue her because I'm secure enough and love myself enough that I don't have to.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
