Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Having a really hard time...

No I moved out knowing that she was going to file. The way things are split is fine with me. If her lawyer tries to screw me any more then I will get a lawyer but if the terms remain the same as we have worked out then its fine. The divorce is going to happen and I'm not worried about that... I believe we still have a chance to reconcile though afterwords. That's why I'm still here.

Here's the 2x4 for you. If you are complacent enough to not do anything, why would your W want to go back to you? What are the benefits of your W going back to you? It's just an honest question. I mean in my opinion, you've been one of the most laid back DBer's I've seen on here. Would it bother you if she had an OM?

Wow! I believe Bond has smacked you a virtual 2x4 to the noggin!

Unfortunately, you left the home but at least you admit it was in error. To other LBS reading this don't repeat this mistake!

What Next, not sure what advice to give you at this point in your journey but even if you are happy with the terms of divorce as you see them its better to have an unbiased set of legal eyes to look at this stuff and render an opinion. Don't let your WAW walk over you! Are you SURE you are being treated fairly?

In my sitch i could make everyones life wonderful by moving to live with my sister free of charge (in theory) and continue financial arrangements as they are under some legal separation agreement. That would be nice for my WAW wouldnt it? Not gonna happen. She can move out if she wants, or we can sell the house which would work in my favor. I choose the latter since she wont do the former. See how that works? At least i hope thats the correct db way.

Well I guess I'm just confused. I didn't find. DB until after I had moved out so there really wasn't much that I could do there. I'm trying to gal and not do anything manipulative but everything I do or don't do seems to be wrong lol. Of course I would be upset if there was om but I'm confident that there isn't one. I think that my pursuit and pleading pushed her over the edge... my 180 was to back off and now I'm stuck in a spot where I don't know how to get back to her. The only thing that I feel like I can do is wait and see. The book says to let my actions speak for me and that's what I'm trying to do. At this point all I can do is hope that what she is experiencing doesn't mat h the fantacy she had in her mind of what life would be like without me.

As far as getting a lawyer goes I just don't see the point in wasting money on a lawyer when I am OK with the way things are split. I told her the day that she dropped the bomb that if she wanted a divorce I wouldn't haggle... but I wanted the opportunity to show her that the marriage was worth saving. Maybe That was another huge mistake but it was my reaction.

So that might be why I seem passive... I feel like I pretty much did everything wrong up to the point that I moved out and since then I have been trying to lrt by staying away. I hope that my life moving forward will attract her back towards me but if not at least I'm doing what is best for me... I thought that was the whole point.

The point is to bust your D. If you try something and it doesn't get a favorable response you try something different.

But in your case, you've accepted everything she has done without much resistance and with a defeatist attitude. You moved out in the hopes that she wouldn't file. She did anyway. She hired a L and you have questions of what you can or can't do, yet you don't want to hire a L yourself.

So right now you're stuck. Kicked out of a home which you say that in a legal agreement you aren't allowed to go back to (and I'm surprised that this doesn't bother you at all). No wife and no plan.

There are times that you have to stand up for what you want. However it doesn't sound like you want anything. You can't attract back a W who literally had her way with you.

You don't even keep in regular contact with her for her to get her to miss you. So in the end you are still stuck with nothing. And honestly, if you don't even know what she's asked in the D, why would you not want to know your rights at least.

So does not being at home bother you at all? If you plan to not do anything, then you should just file and move on. You aren't going to get her to miss you. Also, you aren't even home so how do you know she doesn't have an OM. Would it change things if she did?

I want my wife back... I don't care about assets and maybe that's showing weakness but I don't think so. I'm not sure how I have a defeatist attitude. Getting a lawyer is just going to mean spending more money to chop up what we have. I could get more from her if I wanted but the split that we have come up with is fine with me. Now if her lawyer tries to go after what we have decided then I will be pretty angry but I don't think that will happen. Ultimately I don't want to squander our net worth by fighting over who gets what and ditching everything in a fire sale to split the $ 50/50. If we can work it out later then at least we will still have all of our assets in place and if we don't I am fine with taking what I have.

My 180 was to back off and maybe that didn't work but now I'm not really in a position to do anything about it because I moved out. If I had found this board before then I could have handled it differently but life is always a lot easier in hind sight. From what I have read in the success stories threads is that a lot of times the woman has to accept that the fighting is over before she is ready to look at coming back. That is my hope. I want to write her and tell her that I am still here and that if she has any feelings about not going through with this than I'm ready to listen but I think that would still push her away at this point.

So, my question is... being where I am now what should I do differently?

Getting legal counsel doesn't mean that you're going to chop up what you have or asking for more or any of that material stuff. It's just checking to be sure that everything checks out on your end. I you don't want to, that's up to you, but you've been warned.

"the woman has to accept that the fighting is over"

That's step one, but reconciliation only happens if the couple is still in contact with each other. You're not.

Think about it this way. You've been gone for awhile and she hasn't called you to say "what's up" at all. She's not missing you.

IMO you should move back home. You're only assuming that she has something written in the agreement where you're not welcome home again. And if it is, do you really think she's missing you?

You didn't answer the question though of what if she already has an OM and he's in your home right now?

I am in contact with her... I just don't initiate it. I could worry about there being an on but what good would That do me? I'm confident that there isn't and have no way to know one way or the other. Just because she hasn't told me she misses me doesn't mean that she doesn't. I think her story is closer to a mlc than anything and when she was a teen her parents took car of everything and were super overprotective. It seems to me like that is where her mind is... maybe she is just gone and I should give up but I'm not ready to. So what can I do to be proactive at this point? The only thing I can see is to let her have what she wants (divorce) and then hope that she can see that it isn't what she wants. I believe that she isn't happy with herself and is very depressed. She is putting that all on me and thinking she will have a fantasy perfect life after this... I think she will wake up after the divorce and realize she is still as unhappy with herself as she was when I was there. Then she can see that I can be a benefit to her...

What you just posted is what all of us LBSers think. Oh she'll miss me when I'm not around. Many times that's not the case. The thing is we're offering advice but you don't seem to want to take it. It's as if you're trying to "will" her back to you. Doesn't work.

What were the specific problems she had with you in terms of the M? She wanted you out of the house pretty quick, why is that?

How often does she call you? What do you two talk about? Why can't you call her also?

You didn't really answer the question about an OM.

How else do you want me to answer it? I pray that there isn't one but have no way of knowing... she didn't ask me to leave I did that when she said she was going to file... I have been. Doing lrt or at least what I understood it to be and now the divorce is almost final. I need to know shat I should be doing differently.... specifically.