Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives I am about to call it quits and move on ( WAS)

Hi
Long story short, after 25+ years of marriage my spouse walked out me and my chilcren. There was no infidelity in the strict sense although looking back there may certainly have been emotional infidelity on both our parts.

He sees the kids once midweek and alternate weekends. We have no separation agreement in place. He's been gone for well over a year now, and only contacts me when it concerns visitation or something child related.

It's been hell for me. I have read 18 books on relationships, done counseling with divorcebusting, taken control of my own dysfunctional thinking and behaviour, and implemented many changes in my behaviour and demeanor and nothing has changed significantly in my opinion for the better betweeen us. I am looking for work, and trying to get my head around the fact I am a single parent now and I can't rely on him, trust him or have any expectations with regard to him or his behaviour.

He has seen a cognitive therapist, and told me when I was there on a joint sessions that he didn't want to work on our relationship.
The therapist then essentially told me - your marriage is over, things will be different/better in 18 months, goodbye and good luck.

He has done virtually no further counseling or reading since he left and appears to like his life alone, and he is alone. He has cut himself from the life we shared pretty much completely. He works, he works out, he sleeps. As far as I am aware.

I am now asking myself if I want a man like that back in my life. I have a new perspective on our relationship and my needs, which if I'm truthful, weren't being met. My best female friend invested more time in me than my husband ever did. I was the caretaker for the relationship and everything else besides.

Seeing he has absolutely no interest in changing the status quo - I feel I'm beating my head against concrete.

Perhaps it's time for me to say goodbye and withdraw completely and make a life for myself without him in it on any level. Every action, every word from me is seen by him as an attempt to control and manipulate.

I feel he has rejected everything we built together and all that I am. I have no influence over him.

Hi, I'm sorry to read about your situation ending up like this. You do have a relationship re: parenting and that might be something to start building on. I'm reading DR and wondering if you've tried any of the steps. Have you done any 180s? Have you tried step 2 where you detail on paper what you want and what the solutions are? Do you wear your wedding ring?

I feel for you. My H says he doesn't want to work on the relationship anymore. He says we've tried and it's still not working. We've lived as roommates for the last year and now we're into a 2 mo separation phase. It's painful feeling so unfluential, but you have time and friendship and your children.

I hope others will pipe in with their thoughts and support.

I have been working with Divorce Busting counsellors from about halfway through this ordeal. Before that we did Retrouvaille, and the Spouse walked after the third post recovery weekend session. So that was a waste of time, tears and energy.

I have done what I can, and done the 180. I have made a life for myself and our children the best that I can.

I have listed what I need/want from him ( as I've been told men like lists/goals). I have tried to engage him in what I'm learning.

He is a black hole. I throw stuff out, and it gets sucked in and nothing is returned, no response. He listens. That's all and not enough.

I haven't worn my wedding/engagement rings since my fingers got fat and they became too painful to wear. He's hardly ever worn his either due to the nature of his work, and then when his work situation changed he then took it off when he started bodybuilding about 10 years ago. The rings are stored. In fact I am considering giving them all back, seeing as he never intended to keep the promises they symbolize.

I have not read Divorce Recovery, only Divorce Busting and Keeping Love Alive.

As far as parenting, he gets to be fun Daddy, takes the kids out to movies and meals out. I'm just the work-a-day drone taking care of all other responsibilities.
Far as I am concerned he's not my friend. My friends don't treat me this way.

I want someone that actually LIKES who I am. Being tolerated is unbearable.

Will you stick around here? There are other forums where people are S or D, but they encourage each other. You may find some strength in that. I've met some very nice people here at DB.

First, I want to thank both you and Nutmeg for your kind replies.

I don't know that I'll stick around, it all seems very hopeless. It appears that once my husband left, I was on the fast track to divorce without my knowing about it, and now that fast track has transformed into a luge course.
I really have to ask myself why I even want him back,given the circumstances.

Kind of a journal entry.

I kind of realise where I am now.
I have been hurting for so long I am now shutting down and putting up a wall. I am becoming hard and obdurate.
I feel I am fighting a losing battle, and it's time to cut my losses, allow my wounds to heal and develop unfeeling scar tissue.
I look at my old handwritten journals and it's just repetitive of the same themes and pain, pages and pages of it.

I am coming to the point where I now truly believe I don't matter and never did to him. His only concern is the kids' welfare. I am just an inconvienent and very big mistake.

I don't know that I can be half in and half out the way DB seems to want to play things. Hope for your marriage, work to reconcilation, but at the same time make a life for yourself ( how is this different from making a complete break and moving on?)

Celebrate every baby step, while at the same time your world is in pieces and you're struggling to cope. Living without the companionship, affection and sex present in marriage.

Maybe I'm missimg something.

Another journal entry.

Had meeting with WAS. Discussed perspectives. How that they are like being witness to a traffic collision. Depending on where you're standing and what obstacles are in your way your narrative may completely differ from another witness' narrative; that your perspective is not necessarily the truth, but it's true for you> That being able to share/compare perspectives is a way of getting a reality check. I asked him to please give me his perspectives as a reality check for me. He didn't have too much to say, he finds it difficult to talk to me.

Overall a good meeting. Laid out four significant points that were important to me and that I needed to say and he needed to hear. I had a consultation before this encounter with my counselor and he agreed, but also said to put a time limit on how long I am prepared to live this way. I didn't as when I finished laying the points out WAS was emotional and upset and I didn't want to overload him.

1) He breached out marriage contract. 2)There were ten things spouses were entitiled to in marriage (loyalty, protection,affection,partnership,caregiving,support,companionship,freedom, communication,respect),and that I was only getting a few of those things at present. 3) Love is a choice and decision, it's also an action word meaning giving of oneself, and he appeared to be unable to give - or want/recieve my gifts of love.
4) I wasn't prepared to keep on living my life without comapnionship, affection, love or sex.

At one point in the meeting he said he's never hurt our kids. I told him from that my POV, he already had. I guess he can't see that.

Another journal entry.

I have been reading this forum and just get struck by the utter feeling of hopelessness and the inability to regain what was lost.

Is there really any point to trying to save a marriage when it disintegrates so often as what I see on these boards. Am I investing too much hope into a dream/wish? Can you build a bridge from one side as Michelle seems to think is possible? For as many success stories as their may be, how many fail? And if I win this fight, then what? Will I forever be pulling the weight in relationship? Do I sound confused, well I am.

Fact is I can't change anything but myself and what I do have control over. I can only continue on my own path to emotional health and maturity. That he chooses not to follow me on that path will ultimately be his loss ( mine and my kids', too but thats not in my hands).

When I first got back here to read new posts, I thought - that's it! I need to get divorce proceedings moving, write my WAS off as he has written me off, and find love, loyalty and respect elsewhere. If it wasn't for the fact we have children I would have gone completely dark long ago, he would have been dead to me and I would have behaved that way too.

They are what keep me trying.

Yesterday the bomb was dropped.
He wants a divorce, he says our marriage is over, he wants me to move on with his life as he is moving on with his.
I am grieving again. I can only make more changes in myself/behaviour.
I have talked to a DB coach.
Pray for me, my husband and my family.

I'm so sorry. What you said in your previous post is right. Do for you and be the best you you can be.

Somehow this will turn out for good, whether it is with your H or not.

For me, these forums give me inspiration. I see people going thru hell and finding the strength reach out, help others, love themselves, become better people.

You will too.