Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

Tag, I am on this thread now too. Everyone is slowly helping me see what I need and want to thank u!

Ouch. Everything you did was pursuing.

Never EVER tell her that you are waiting on her decision. You are not supposed to be waiting for her to see how your life will turn out. That's also pursuit.

Make a plan of action of how your life will be WITHOUT your W and live accordingly. Take the "pressure" off of her. She feels that she is making a decision for both of you. Not so.

You've already told her that you don't agree with the D that's all you need to say. Now you need to Supersize your life. it's tough, but doable.

SCanada - I probably would have done the exact same things that you did here, but I gotta think that Bond is right. All of it was pursuing. It's much easier being objective and seeing these things when it's not my own situation that I'm trying to analyze... (sigh)

Hey Bond, I'm assuming your comments were directed to me? I'll assume they were. I'm in a good place - honestly. I don't know how I'm coming across, but I promise I've changed and I continue to change. I don't know what else to say, but want to be clear of this...

Regardless I always appreciate your input/feedback.

P.S. Welcome aboard my thread Scared2Def!

Thanks all, I am in a very similar situation to ScaredinCanada and have my own thread. ScaredinCanada brought me here and I have read everyone's thoughts....

I thank you all for being here for us. I am still trying hard and have only been implementing these changs since the beginning of the year, 3 January is when I make my choice to do this.

It is ridiculously hard but it is best. I am seeing that my evenings are better for both of us in the house and we actually laugh some and stuff so I am trying not to hold on to the possibility it can work. But it is re assuring to see results and know that it is because I am trying to move on.

MEVAC men are Gentle, Stable, Humble, Loving, Caring, Compassionate, Empathetic, Strong in heart.

Here is another thread of mine on a site called Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control.

http://mevac.proboards.com/index.cgi?act...1003&page=1

habit, you are dead on!
Sometimes it feels that we just need to keep the status quo until they turn around. SIC, keep doing what you are doing. I KNOW it's so hard to not take it hard but stay strong!

I go through HOURS when I feel great. The W will give me a touch or a kiss before she leaves for work. But then do something that makes me feel like it's over. The MIND! is a terrible thing...

Here's a little thing that happened to me today and an example of how what I've done simply to make my life better. I go from San Diego to LA quite a bit. We have a prius - good mileage but also for the carpool lane. W knew I was going up there today but took the Prius to work. She's had a few really rough days at work so I KNOW it wasn't on purpose. She was just not thinking.

Instead of doing the normal thing - calling her and either joking about taking the wrong car, or trying to exchange it - I just let it go. She's in a rough spot because work is kicking her butt. I don't want to add to it. I can suck it up and do the drive - it's no big deal. Doesn't do me any good to make her day go less.

That to me is thoughtfulness. Something that she hasn't felt in a long time.

I'm not sure if that example is helpful but maybe it shows way in which we can SHOW we are changing instead of saying we are.

Although I have practiced my faith even before, I found an even deeper connection with God when my sitch happened. And did it help! For one thing, prayer and meditation brings us back to thinking of what our core values really are, what it means to be good, and at a time when you are angry, confused, wanting to lash out, you lose sight of those and tend to want revenge, lose respect for the other person .....etc. all the things which if you do you would actually regret.

All of that also brings you to a place of peace and aceptance and clarity of thought.

Lastly, I have seen that when it is too much for me, things I ask, even if they are impossible, do seem to be granted, although sometimes not at first. I have seen that in many situations, God works in mysterious ways, and what you originally think happened not to your liking ends up with a purpose, which in retrospect, may be due to divine intervention. I learned to listen, to ask for his guidance, especially in times of doubt, and sometimes through insight, or just a thought, the answers come. Then the test of whether the answer was right ..... going forward, looking back, I have found many times that it was the right one!

So yesterday I called my C to cancel my appointment this week as there is a conflict with my W's schedule. Told her in the message that I was disappointed with her seeing my W and me both, and that some of the things she said to my W were very disappointing especially when I told her about DB and MWD, and that I truly believe that my W can change regardless of her current feelings.

I went out last night and bought myself some clothes, grabbed some dinner and sat and relaxed having a coffee. I was missing being home with the kids and the W. Going out by myself is really not enjoyable, it just gives me more time to think about what's wrong with my life.

When I got back my W was in bed, but she immediately started R talk, asking me if I "went out on a date" to which I told her "Of course not". She started talking about finances and how we could sell the house and both walk-away with some cash in our pockets. I basically just told her that I wasn't ready to talk about. We talked a little bit about the fact that she's completely shut me out, and I asked her if it's been hard to treat me the way she has...and she said it has been a times but that doesn't want to be with me so it's usually pretty easy.

She again was complaining about the past, about last year when I didn't get her a birthday card. I told her again that I cannot change the past but that I won't try and make excuses for the mistakes I made or thoughtless actions I took. I told her it's no longer the person I am, that I am continuing to change and that I hoped eventually she would believe it. She said she still doesn't trust that the changes are for real - but she does see them.

It's D5's birthday today so we are all going out for a family dinner. We haven't gone out as a family since Christmas so it should be good for the kids and interested for me and W.

I can still see hope when I talk to her, she is really struggling with what she's going through emotionally. When we talk I can just see it on her sleeve.

I asked her whether she missed the physical contact such hus, kisses and holding hands (I intentionally left out sex). So she says of course I miss it, but I don't have any desire to be physical with you now anyways. She said she hasn't wanted to have sex with me in years, she only did it because I would bug her or she felt like it was her "job".

I told her every guy bugs for sex, because they never feel like they get enough. She said she loves sex, and that if loved me she likely want to have sex more often (I believe this is BS, because she has rarely initiated sex throughout our relationship).

Enough for now. Back to work, back to the gym and back to being strong and confident.

I am looking in the mirror again.

When I go out, same as you.

Sex, it was her job. Actually used the same words as your W.

This sex thing is such a frustrating merry-go-round. Woman need emotions to show physical, men need physical to show emotions.