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I was going to apologize for blowing up at you, but seeing your hurtful and childish responses, I don't know. I guess I will. Sorry for being a jerk.

The problem is that you have constantly are wrong in how you "guess" my situation. And you misread things that I wrote.

My statement about the "I'm upset.." was AN EXAMPLE. Nothing I said or did. I'm sorry that I"m not a emotionless robot who can just turn their feelings on and off. Yes, I do love my wife and I want her to be around in my life. So I'm a DB failure I guess.

It's funny you say it's not a game, but my wife can see right through this at times.

Harrier,

You're not a DB failure.

DB isn't about being emotionless, its more at this point where you are at about controlling them.

Not doing things that affect you badly. Limiting your expectations.

I believe Bond was asking you to empathize with her, pretty sure he wasn't trying to attack or provoke you.

This is only a game if these changes in you are short term.

Hi Harrier,
the feelings you describe I am still working on, the frustration I read, has been horrible for me too.

It does sound so unfair to finally come to this stage and still be the one to master up all the courage to guide, show patience, ignore own feelings at times. I have said piecing for me has been much much harder than separation. Because at the moment I felt I was "allowed" to have expectations, I had to learn to pace myself again.

My H hasnt told me I love you and we have been piecing for a year. I did tell him a couple of times but now I dont anymore. To me, it went without saying he should have by now, everyday, every hour, to make up for all the hurt he caused. But he cant. He has started texting me I love you and he shows me he does. I lost my father recently and the way he supported me through this period, "has been screaming" I love you, still, it would be nice to hear it...

I just want to urge you, to try and avoid change of moods and having ups and downs due to her behaviour, as a recation to her. Stay focused and do not take things personally. It may sound stupid but IMO, it's the only way to deal with the coming phases between you.

It's a very fine balance between staying detached and starting to connect again. Healing is something that happens verry slowly. For me at least.
Take care,
Kalni

JTB nailed it.

Right now as screwed up as it might seem to YOU, you're going to have to empathize with your W's POV. Are you not getting your needs met? Sure. But it's a helluva lot better than other people's sitchs.

They are called "baby steps" for a reason. There's a time for everything and right now your W isn't at the right place to see to your needs. You do enough reading around here and other place you'll see that.

Is it fair? No. Is it the reality? Yes. You're hurting yourself with your own expectations on how fast things should be moving. Well again, look around here. In my sitch, I've been at it for 2 years. Everyone is different and it's a blessing that your W is slowly coming to a self-realization of what's going on.

Forget about the comment. I've been called worse. Bottom line is that everyone who comes here is frustrated/afraid/angry, etc. These are things we feel over something we can't control. In my sitch, I was lucky enough to have Coach, 25yrsmlc and Sandi put me in my place. It wasn't until I really started listening to the message they were saying and not just the words that I was able to apply things to my W and made things so much better.

Thanks Bond, Kalni and JTB.

It was just a really bad couple of days for me. I'm in a better place now.

For my W and I there is a fine line. The is a point where she feels that I'm my normal joking, independent self. The guy she fell in love with and was married to for 11 years. If I go to far either way - being too accommodating and ignoring my emotions OR being too needy, impatient - she says I'm "weird" or "off"
So I can't just stuff my emotions and play happy. I have to really be happy for her to feel relaxed. And as you can imagine, this process with it's ups and downs doesn't always allow for happy and relaxed.

And what do I do about my own emotions, independent of her. For example, last night I found myself tearing up. I couldn't leave the room as we were about to having a webcam chat with her parents. I tried to keep it under control and when she asked I just said I was feeling "emotional" and left it at that.
I was able to turn it around and was making W laugh.
She brought it a little later. Again I was evasive (I didn't tell her what I was really upset about) She just said I need to compartmentalize (god the she loves this word and is a master at it) I said I wasn't as good as her at it. After that we talked and joked for a bit.

I then went for a run on the treadmill and she went to bed. The interaction was mostly positive and no lasting issues. Was it the right way to handle it? I don't know, it felt right.

This morning was also good. It felt like our normal relationship. Hopefully, this is the start of a streak of getting some traction.

I am bummed our MC session was moved to next week (sick kid issues) and we haven't had one in almost a month.

Oh well.

Bond - I have come a loooooooong way on seeing my W's POV. I still have a ways to go. Also, I'm not necessarily worry about getting my needs met, I'm worry about the effect of the lack of getting my needs met.

It's interesting that she said that item about compartmentalizing. This is where the WAS gets into trouble. They compartmentalize their disappointments about the M or R and not tell their spouse. This leads to them mindreading, believing that the LBS should just "know" what they're thinking. This is not what a marriage is all about.

I'd bring that up to the C. If your W thinks that compartmentalizing is a good thing, she's wrong. Left unchecked, they tend to grow and fester on their own in the back of their mind. It's also what leads to A's. They compartmentalize so much that their life with their spouse is different than their life with another person and can blur the lines between the two.

Harrier - I feel for you man. I know all the emotions you're experiencing.

I don't know if my W and you are using the word in the same context. Her idea is that she kinda takes her emotion out of the situation or puts off thinking about the situation while she's at work. It's almost like detachment to an extent.

I know exactly why I'm here, there is no mystery and my W has told me what's wrong. In many ways our is an atypical situation. She is very good at telling me how she is feeling about things small and large.
I will say some of this is because I probably push R talks too much. I mean I force her to think about things she simply doesn't want.
She does acknowledge that she can't compartmentalize forever and told me last night. She thinks there are times and place for talking about things. She knows it's not a good thing.



Perhaps you could explain this a little. I mean I would expect to some extent all spouse in an A (EA or PA) live two lives.

If you do the research about A's, you'll find that they see the A life and the life at home as two separate things. That's why many times when a WAS is discovered, they're amazed to find that the LBS is actually hurt. This is also why some people want to have both an AP and their family. They don't see how one affects the other because that connection is severed by their putting them in separate compartments in their subconscience.

It's also why they can come up with alot of the nonsense they do about the reasons why they are having an A. Things like how they NEVER were happy in the marriage and other generalities.

Problem is that they can only invest their emotions into one compartment. And which one would you choose? The one with the bills and daily household grind or the fantasy where everything is mysterious and fun with no strings attached?

Gotcha.

Thankfully. My W saw how one was affecting the other and vice versa or at least she does now. Obviously, I it wasn't enough to not get involved in the first place.

But she is still not all the way there. I think she understand now why she did what she did and she knows (and as told me) that she really hurt me a lot with her actions. The other night during our crying hug thing said said that she was so sorry that she did what she did. But at times she does try to down play it though.

for now it seems she is investing her emotions it working on our marriage, even if she is not one the same pace as me. for me the issue is believing it at times. I mean I know some of the things and attitudes she put into the EA an clearly she doesn't put that same effort into me now. But on the other hand, she is putting in a lot more work in some respects. The EA was probably easier to put emotions into, the real marriage, especially at this stage, is probably harder. I think that's why it disappoints her so much when I backslide.

NYE was a disaster in many respects for our relationship. I see how bad it really was. She opened herself up to me and I wasn't appreciative. It's a tough pill to swallow.