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Tom Petty said it best:
"girl if you can do better than me
go...yeah, go
but remember, good love is hard to find
you got lucky babe, when I found you"

I love that song.
And after 18 years, seems appropriate - her loss !

(((Fell)))

I understand those days of just wanting to curl up somewhere and cry and feeling so pathetic because of it. Your feelings are really important; it's good to feel them completely and understand that feelings are just what they are. Life still keeps moving despite how you feel - and those feelings won't stop you. Once you get that, you won't be as afraid of your feelings as you have been and you won't act out of fear. It might sound a little hokey, but it really worked for me.

I was afraid to feel hurt, to feel alone/lonely, to feel sad or depressed or in pain. I have always been afraid of bad feelings and I structured my life to avoid them. Well, when H cheated and, later, left, I had to face down some of the worse feelings of my life - and I just realized, they're just feelings. I don't have to act on how I feel, I don't have to let them define me and I can still keep on living even when I am feeling bad, and if I wait long enough, my feelings change/evolve/transform.

You are not defined by your marriage. Marriage can be a great and beautiful thing but it doesn't define either of us. It can be the best thing about our lives but even then it shouldn't define us. You define who you are. Don't just do things that you like or that make you happy or that please you. Don't just yearn and long for the things that you don't have. Enjoy what you have right now!

I have begun to enjoy the littlest things. Like listening to books on CD in the car now that I am not riding with him. Like the feeling of fresh, crisp cool sheets on my bed and stretching out all over the bed...and hogging all the pillows - every, last one! And watching whatever I want on the television with no word from anyone else. And singing at the top of my lungs in the shower without disturbing anyone. And turning off all the sounds in the house so that it's dead silent when I read. And listening to whatever kind of music I want to listen to without any input from anyone else. And burning frosted cranberry candles all over the house. I am enjoying me. I am enjoying solitude, peace, calm, tranquility. I am enjoying my own kind of chaos.

Sure, I'd also enjoy living with H and building a better M, but I am not in control of that situation. And I refuse to live in a M where I am constantly looking over his shoulder to determine if he is available/faithful/in love with me/willing to work on us, etc. I don't have to live that way and I never will again. I put no demands on him. I demand nothing from him. If he wants to be with me, his actions will prove it - and there is nothing I want to do to convince him to want to be with me. I simply want to be the best me that I know how to be - and if that's the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, then time will tell.

What I can control is how I approach my life. I can control my attitude. I can control how I react to my feelings. I can control my personal goals for my life and how hard I work to achieve them. If I drop dead tomorrow, I will have lived my life face and heart forward.

I don't need a husband to be happy. I have plenty of love in my life - and most importantly, I have my own love. I'm going to enjoy my life the way it is right now, because soon enough I'll either be back piecing with H or moving on into a new relationship. Right now, I get to focus on me - and I'm choosing to believe that it's a beautiful opportunity, not a tragedy.

FOBDs - Man, I completely understand how you are feeling. My wife and I have been separated since Thanksgiving. The holidays have been absolutely horrible and I cannot wait for them to end. I found myself in my sister's bathroom looking at myself in the mirror crying like a baby a few times. I was starting to feel a little detached, but then W let me come to her mom's to drop some gifts off for step son while she was there. Seeing W and step son made me miss them all over again. And now i have to deal with NY's Eve. The aniversary of me proposing to her. It is going to be so hard not to contact her and let her know that I would propose all over again if I had the chance.

So, we spent another night together. After he left on Monday morning, we texted back and forth all day Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I get a little bit lonely during those long stretches during the week when I am working and we don't see each other, but I am keeping that to myself. Telling myself it's a natural feeling after being with someone day in and day out for 13 years. Plus, there is so much to enjoy about living alone.

I have a tendency to avoid my friends and family until I "feel" social and I am trying to get out of that habit and accept more invitations to hang out or go places with the people who love me. It's just good to connect with people.

Anyway, he called me up and asked if I wanted to see a movie last night. I said yes and off we went to the movies. It was nice. He opened doors for me, held hands, cuddled, etc. It's night and day to how it was when we were living together and would go out to a movie. It's nice, but also a bit weird, to have his attention. I kind of don't know what to do with it.

He came up and we talked about the movie, then we went to bed/ML. Lots of cuddling in the middle of the night, initiated by him. He used to stay on the other side of the bed and talk about how hot or uncomfortable it was to cuddle. He wakes me up last night to ask me to put my head on his shoulder. Who is this guy and what did he do with my H? How can someone change so much? It's almost unfathomable to me and I guess that is why I am treading so slowly.

We were so certain that we were meant to be together. It took us a little over a year to meet, fall in love and get married. In my heart of hearts, I do feel that we "belong" together and I would rather be married to him than to anyone else on the planet. But I plan to take my time figuring things out.

I guess a lot of what I write is semi-journaling. It just helps to get it out. I hope I'm not boring anyone!

Journaling:

H was waiting for me when I got home. He just wanted to hang out, I guess. I was a bit annoyed. Thursdays are my night shift and I have to come home, unwind, fall asleep and get up in the morning for work again. I just wanted to relax and not think, but he was there. It was odd. He just sort of sat there, like he doesn't know his place in the world. On the one hand, I am empathetic for him. On the other, I know that these are his choices.

I kept things very light and easy, but went about my normal routine, getting ready for bed, taking care of the cat, reading. He just kind of sat there, chatting with me off and on. I asked him if he was staying overnight and he said that he just wanted to see me, but that he was going back to the house where he's staying for the night.

I said okay, told him to make sure he locked the door when he left, got in bed (he lay beside me while I fell asleep) and promptly fell asleep. He was gone when I woke up, but he texted me first thing.

---------

On another note, I picked up a book at the library today called On Her Own. It's about women embracing solitude and the good things about being self-sufficient. It's not anti-relationships, though. It just talks about different women and their journeys of being independent after death of a spouse, divorce, or even when they are in relationships. I never want to be codependent again!

As I look back over the years, I was a very codependent girl. I went into a relationship with my H (my first real relationship) when I was 19, fresh out of high school. I am the baby girl of the family and just jumped from my home life right into marriage. I floundered around in and out of college for years, put off getting my driver's license and worked consistently but in part-time jobs that didn't require a lot of my attention.

When I was 27, I just decided to change all of that. I focused, got my Bachelor's degree, started grad school, got my driver's license, bought my first car, got a full-time job. Since then, I've blossomed. I now have two Master's degrees, a really good-paying dream job that I love, and I am very self-sufficient.

I think this might intimidate my H to some extent. At one point, he said to me, "Name one thing that you've really wanted and set your mind to get that you haven't gotten." I couldn't name one thing. The things in life that I've really wanted and worked hard for, I've achieved. He responded, "Not everybody is like you."

Denver,
I am glad you brought up the issue of seeing the spouse. I want nothing more in this world than to see my W right now. For weeks I would have cut off a finger just to be in the same room with her. But now, after all these weeks of separation, I find myself apprehensive about seeing her. I am scared that being in the same room with her will set me back mentally to where I was weeks ago (crying and unable to function). This is one hell of a "catch 22" I am in. In the past 64 days, I have seen my wife for 2 minutes. That was when she showed up, blazed through the house, took her mail and left while I stood there like an idiot. Frankly, I don't know what I would do now. I want to see her, but it has taken me weeks to recover from her last visit. This is so messed up. For 15 years, I would not like going more than a day with out seeing her. Now, I don't know if I want to see her because of the mental torture it will invoke. I feel for you buddy. I don't know if I would have had the strength to be in the same room with my wife at Christmas. At least you got through it with you head held high. If you broke down later behind closed doors, you had that right and that is no one's business but your own.

So, today is New Year's Eve. This will be my first one alone in 15 years. I too proposed to my wife at a restaurant on New Year's Eve. NYE has always been so special to us. I am scared of what it going to happen to me later tonight. My doctor gave me some meds to help me sleep. I am considering taking some around 10 pm and heading to bed. I can't feel bad if I am sleeping. When I wake up, the moment will have passed and I can move on.

I have been on vacation this entire week. My wife and I always take the week between the two holidays off to be together. I had already scheduled this before she bolted. This too has been hell. Two days ago, I came down with a nasty virus. Fever, chills, body aches, coughing, the whole nine yards. This has resulted in me having to spend the last two days in bed alone. Sometimes when things go bad, they really go bad. Somehow I continue to tell myself that this will make me a stronger person down the road. Yea, that is if it doesn't kill me first.

On a bit of a confused note, I am not sure how to feel about something that recently happened. My wife was always been very fit. She went to the gym regularly and watched what she ate. During the holidays, I had moments where I had private conversations with three different family members and friends who have all seen her in person in the past two weeks. I don't know if they were trying to make me feel better or if they were sincere, but they all, without provocation, delivered to me the same message. My wife has put on a tremendous amount of weight in the past couple of weeks. One of them stated that they ran into her in a public place and that she was dressed poorly, looked tired and as though she has put on about 10 - 15 pounds (The night she showed up for her mail, I thought she looked a bit different. But she was wearing a heavy coat and I just thought it was the coat that was making the difference). What was really odd it that the particular relative who pointed this out never talks about such things, ever. This is the first sign that I have gotten that maybe my wife isn't doing as well as she would like to me to believe. I am not happy about this or celebrating it in any way. But I truly thought she was out "living it up" since she walked out on me. Maybe that isn't the case after all. Am I a jerk for finding some solace in this? If so, I apologize in advance to all who read this.

Denver, Happy New Year, my friend! 2010 is almost over and good riddance. This year cannot be far enough in my rear view mirror. I wish you the very best in 2011. May it be much happier and healthier than the past couple of months. I hope you and I can find ourselves happily married again very soon. Take care of yourself and stay in touch.

Fellonblackdays

Thatgirl,
Keep the posts coming. I read them and then imagine myself being able to do the same things that you are very soon. If by some chance you get to spend tonight with your husband, I wish you the very best of luck with the entire night. I hope you can be together and it will feel like the old days when things were at their best. Do me a favor though. Take just one moment to remember all of us out here alone tonight. Maybe one day we will all be in a better place than where we are now.

Happy New Year, my friend! I wish you and your family the very best that life has to offer in the new year. Take care!

Fellonblackdays

I really like that girl! I think God blessed you with a lot of good sense. I don't know that I was anywhere close to being that smart when I was your age.

As long as you see positive things reacting to your changes, then continue doing what is right and what works.

I don't talk to many women here on the board and it's b/c I don't think I have the patience with some LBW's like4 many of them need. I don't do a lot of "cuddle" talk, so many don't interact very well with me. JMO.... I really respect a woman who has gumption and I think you are that girl. I hope you'll hang around and be encouraging to other women.

Hey, guys. Hope 2011 is treating you all well so far! For me: so far, so good.

Fell - I know the holidays were tough for you. I really felt that they were tough for me, too, even though I spent them with H. I don't know what it would be like if he had left and then continued to not communicate with me. You're definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully, 2011 will bring you all sorts of good things.

Sandi - thanks, hon! I guess I might be different from other LBWs because I'm not dealing with some of the same issues. I've already dealt with infidelity and all that it brings and the path from there could only lead upwards. I mean, I've been through that hellish path already and it truly was my rock bottom. Onwards and upwards!

So, H did come for NYE. He walked in the door at 11:59pm. I think he wanted to be the center of my attention with the guessing, "Is he coming? Isn't he?" If he only knew that he's pretty much always got my full attention. I'll keep that little tidbit of knowledge to myself, I think.

So, he came and we had a good night and a really good Saturday. He stayed all day, we teased and wrestled and ML a few times and just were like teenagers. Lots of cuddling and joking around. I think he may have squeezed two or three serious moments out of me, but I kept things firmly in the light and fun territory. It struck me that I really do love him to pieces, but I can't see how we're going to get to a great M from this point. I can't even see how him living here again would work, although we did just fine for 12 years.

Oh, well. Sometimes, you're not supposed to see how things are going to work out, right? "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." Right? Well, time will tell. Time, time, time.

Now, for me, it feels really good to turn the page to 2011. I didn't make any resolutions this year but I did really dig deep and try to determine what areas of my life I want to improve or change or focus on this year - and I determined that this year, I want to get healthier/lose weight and I want to write more. I love, love, love my job and am really invested in my career. But on the side, I write fiction and have published a fair bit. The last 2-3 years, I've been so wrapped up in my mom's illness and subsequent death and my marital problems, that I have not had the time, energy or motivation to focus on these two important areas.

2011 is about me. Not in a selfish way, but in a self-caring way. By the time the clock strikes midnight on Janurary 1, 2012, I want to be able to look back on this year and have accomplished something healthwise and really dedicated a significant amount of my free time to writing for the fans of mine who have waited so patiently for new work from me. I think focusing on these two areas will set me up for a firm foundation for 2012 and beyond. Focusing on my health and losing weight will help me to resolve those nagging and twinging feelings of guilt that linger when I think about my H, too. If 2011 or 2012 bring reconciliation, I will be positioned to make significant changes in my M. If it brings D, I will be positioned to move forward on my best footing. Win-Win, right?

I'll be back with more soon enough, I'm sure!