Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Situation Normal; All Flummoxed Up

I am going to borrow that one.

Brilliant!

Of course I'll give you credit the first 5 times I use it.

Ok, just venting here....Made the mistake of allowing W to go to my birthday dinner with the kids. She uses the opportunity to tell me, effectively, that I don't make enough money for her to stay home with the kids.

She picks a fight in the restaurant on my da*n birthday! I didn't take the bait. The woman who put her job before me for years says she now wants a break. I said, "so take a break". She says "you expect to support us?" "Yes". "That's not our history", she says. Leave it to her to F up my day. And I let her do it.

Again she starts hammering at the past which she can't let go. "you never explained why you acted the way you did". I tell her I'm done dwelling on the past because I know she still won't admit that she had a role in the marriage problems. "Just focusing on the future? That's an easy out" she says. I just know that were I to have opened my mouth, any explanation of our past would have sounded like an excuse to her. There's no way to win. I just wanted to go across the table and go Sam Kinison on her.

I attended a Christian men's group last night, had counseling today and really felt comfortable with a new schedule and limiting my exposure to her hurt and anger. She blows away any peace I had with just a few words. And has the gall to sign her card to me "Love W".

I really would have suffered had I not had my kids come home with me. When we arrived home I had the most thoughtful birthday cards waiting in the mailbox from ILs and BIL. My brother Skyped me from AZ, I put my kids to bed and you poor DBers get the remaining hostility.

Crushed

I like hostility!

First happy birthday.

Second, do you need some kleenex....for the tears.

Third, I have a question for YOU. Do you think your past behavior has anything to do with YOUR W's crisis? Really, all bullchit aside..do you think that something you did or didn't do or someone you f*cked or didn't f*ck have something to do with your W's crisis?

Fourth - not sure what your laws are like BUT she doesn't work, guess who may be writing a bigger check.

I know your venting - I get it. Please answer the question.

While I'm at it....how that GUILT feeling?

God Bless,
Eric

Oh, one other thing...

Do you know what "allowing her to attend YOUR birthday party" tells me? Actually, I'm not gonna tell you. I would prefer you tell me, what it tells you.

Did I ever tell you that I work for a major insurance company that had to request TARP money; otherwise we were gonna close?

Do you think it was MY fault the insurance company was not financially stable (FTR, I do not work in the finance dept)? So what does that tell you about any role I may have had in the demise of the firm? The correct answer will ensure a night on the town with your truly (your treating though).

Eric

"for richer or poorer"

That is not for you. You are living your vows.

She must realize what it means to her. She is looking for answers and trying to justify her choices.

That is her journey.

That pendulem is going to keep swinging back and forth.

Eric, I'm typically good at identifying sarcasm and getting the gyst of what's going on, but you totally lost me.

Yes, I'm venting above. But, I'll take a shot at answering the question I think you're asking. Yes, I do have alot to do with the status of my marriage. Do I have a lot to do with my W's crisis? Probably not.

Does the fact that I hooked up with someone 7 months into her affair have anything to do with her crisis? Not at all. Do I have any guilt about doing it? Not really. I beat myself up for being stupid and feeling sorry for myself, but I'm OK with what I did. I learned from it and am not looking for it again.

By "allowing" her to attend, I'm only saying that I had a choice about whether she attended or not. I "let" her and I didn't like the consequences. I thought I was prepared to deal with any negativity, but I thought she'd hold back on the one day I can claim. I need to move further away and let walk her own path.

Regarding insurance companies, TARP, etc, you lost me.

I'm fighting the urge to respond to W's skewed musings which she unloaded at the dinner table last night. I really felt it necessary to tell her how upset those words made me. Initially really angry, but in hindsight, just really hurtful. She seems to have lost the ability to recognize how insensitive she's become.

I couldn't respond at the time because the kids were there. But, I tried to indicate that after 16 months I was ready to look forward. I feel like I've done all I can do to acknowledge her feelings, hear her out in couples therapy, and validate what she is saying. I realize her attempts to go back are seemingly endless and I am trying to insulate myself now. I've done the best I can staying positive in the face of her constant insults, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to put up with it much more without snapping on her. It was just weeks ago that I felt much more detached and able to deal.

Rough night tonight. My D8 tells me over the phone that she met OM and his sons yesterday. W says she didn't know he was going to be there. Apparently he was introduced as W's friend, who was also there.

I'm really not sure how to feel about this. W didn't tell me last night when I called to say goodnight to the kids. Do I stop goodnight calls? Talking to W right now is too painful.

Also, how do I now treat W's friend who's the only friend who knows about OM? She is apparently supportive of W's actions. Our kids are very close because W isn't capable of doing anything alone with my kids.

I'm looking for some wisdom because I am doing everything I can to fight off the rage.

Hey CNS,

Man.....I now understand your post to me on my thread.....

H@ll....you gotta get away from her non-sense.....I have exprienced the same thing with my STBXW.

The key here is to get "ON" with your life not to get a reaction from her but rather because you want to get on with your life.

Much easier said than done......trust me I know.....

IMO you cannot fake moving on or forward or whatever you want to call it.....you actually have to do it......

It is the great race as Seedy Bear referred to it last.....

either the WAS is going to wise up and come back or the LBS is going to really "move on".......

We really don't realize this race is goning on but it is.......

The conudrum here is that you do not realize you were running in this race until it is over and you are "done" looking back over the landscape.

I offer you this....I hear it in your words....your getting there....little things you are saying.....they become a part of your skin.....and when they do you will know it, when you are ready.

Hang in there CNS,

Cheers

Thanks for the post MHL, good to see you back here - to touch base at least.
I feel like I've really run through most of my options at this point. The initial pain of the betrayal led me to set hard boudaries, limit my contact and she did bristle at that.

Went to MC briefly to hear her anger and then decided to change tack and show some affection; hugs, pats, etc. And I called to update her on what I'd been up to with the kids and job. I figured what did I have to lose. It was already gone so put myself out there a little further, be positive and things might happen.

But now after our last few exchanges, I really don't want to be around her. Of course the physical attraction is still there, but I don't like how I feel when leaving. I'm aware these changes in boundaries are inconsistent and schizophrenic, but it's all I can do to find some comfort. Her response has been unchanged, so why not do things to keep me sane?

Perhaps my marriage defined me too much. Maybe that's why I'm hanging on so long. She's already noticed the change. Nothing mean, just pleasant, but brief conversations. I did disclose that I was upset about D meeting OM. I couldn't hide my anger and disappointment. No faking a smile through that.

Earlier on I needed reassurance from women that I'm OK, desirable, etc. Then I started posting here and reading more. I'm moving forward by attending services more often and have found a decent, but nerdy Christian men's group that seems to have priorities right. So I'm developing a new relationship with God, nurturing the one I have with my kids and trying to figure out where to go with work. W will hate the career decision I'm about to make. But I can't be worried about her reaction to my life decisions anymore.

I still miss the companionship of a woman (preferably my W) because I do feel loneliness. But it is further down the priority list now. When I get a good handle on the other things in life, develop some friendships, pray a little more; I may bump it up.

Best of luck on your current path MHL. Sounds exciting.