It is different Harrier, all the DB stuff that you learn to protect you, hurts you in piecing.
That being said:
MrBond:
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Have you and your W discussed an open infidelity policy? This is where she has to tell you when she talks to the OM no matter how small and contrite that interaction might seem to her. She has to prove to you that she can be trusted.
In cases where an A has occurred, it is the WAS's responsibility to alleviate the fears of the LBS. That is the only way to total healing. There are several great websites and books on that subject of healing from infidelity. If she is serious about R, she will have to put in the work.
And Sandi:
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She needs to realize that she has violated the trust in the M. She has to give you time to get over that. She should have told you, "Look, I've got to have a phone conference with OM. Just wanted you to know that it's business." But with her not saying anything, it would look suspicious. Could you tell if it was during working hours?
I don't believe phone calls, emails, TM's or anything should exclude your S being able to look.....if he/she wanted. I expected my H to follow my computer activity for a while and I didn't blame him. He needed reassurance that I was through with OM.
Instead of beating yourself up for "checking up" on your W, tell her that she will need to be patient with you until you can feel completely assured that the M is affair proof. It is not a sign of weakness on your part to ask her. It is reasonable.
Are correct.
You're not being weak for wanting...needing this assurance. You're rebuilding trust, it needs to be verified until the day comes when you're sure of the foundation you both rebuilt.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I feel as I am in some weird limbo between DB and piecing. I just don't know what to do anymore.
1. My W says she wants to work on the marriage. No divorce or separation talk in over a month. 2. We have started MC. 2 great sessions then due to scheduling with the MC, we haven't had a session in about a month. 3. This are better, but still overall cr*ppy at times. 4. I have no idea where my wife is in relation to me. I don't know if she wants to stay married because she doesn't want our kids to have divorced parents or because she really cares for me, loves her family and thinks this is worth saving. 5. She said last night that she does think we can get to a good place, but there is a lot of stuff to work through.
However she is still withholding any intimacy - i.e. hugs, kisses, spooning, ILYs, etc. At times she is still distant and isolates herself just like before. I tried to initiate some intimacy - a hug on Tuesday (good results) and a disaster last night. She went upstairs to go to bed and I sent here a quick txt. Basically saying that I know things are hectic, but I will try to help her with that. Also I added that "I do love you." I debated for 5 mins sending that. What do I get in return "Thanks, I know you do." WTF?? does that mean. I mean she couldn't even muster a return ILY. I'm still smarting over it.
I just want to know that she wants to save the marriage for us...not just because of the kids. I know yesterday was a bad day for her, but I don't get bad days.
Of course, this lead to a discussion of our future. Basically it was her saying that I need to be patient, there is a lot of stuff to work through, she does see a future together (what kind I don't know) and she can see us getting back to a more normal relationship.
Then she tosses in this she said I was "pretending' to be happy" a lot. What do I do with that?
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Have patience. Just the fact that she said she wanted to work things out is great. You are the one who is expecting her to "get over" her feelings and be happy.
Doesn't work like that. Try look at other things other than MC. Read other books, go out and treat her like someone you are dating for the first time because, quite frankly, she is a different person. Your M is changed.
You may not think you have bad days, but look at your posts. You freak and second guess when she's not doing what you want. That's a bad day. Do something different that will cause a shift in her thinking from the kids to you. The ideas are out there.
What I did was look for different podcasts on making a strong marriage. Alot of them are out there with some great dating ideas and so forth. Try those.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You may not think you have bad days, but look at your posts. You freak and second guess when she's not doing what you want. That's a bad day. Do something different that will cause a shift in her thinking from the kids to you. The ideas are out there.
I should clarify. I get the feeling that she doesn't allow me to have bad days, but I'm supposed to excuse certain actions from her as a "bad day." Yet, when I have a bad day she treats it as a huge incident.
I did also read a couple books.
I should look at long term/big picture.
It would kinda be hard for me to recreate the date as she was the one who pursued me and Once, I decided she was right, it was all in for me. I didn't have to do much "courting." And I can't do the things that made her pursue me (other than be funny which I try to be)
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
"I get the feeling that she doesn't allow me to have bad days, but I'm supposed to excuse certain actions from her as a "bad day." Yet, when I have a bad day she treats it as a huge incident."
Mind reading. It depends on how you approach her by saying you are having a bad day. Do you just blow up or do you tell her calmly that you need support? My C showed me how to do that and now when I feel like I'm going to go off on something, I tell her or I do the "I feel...when you..." It works.
They'll get defensive or raise their shields only when they feel they are being attacked.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I get the feeling that she doesn't allow me to have bad days, but I'm supposed to excuse certain actions from her as a "bad day." Yet, when I have a bad day she treats it as a huge incident."
Mind reading. It depends on how you approach her by saying you are having a bad day. Do you just blow up or do you tell her calmly that you need support? My C showed me how to do that and now when I feel like I'm going to go off on something, I tell her or I do the "I feel...when you..." It works.
They'll get defensive or raise their shields only when they feel they are being attacked.
Actually, it's what she told me. So no mind reading there. I understand my C suggest the "I'm upset..." approach. But there are certain things, she just doesn't want to hear.
Like if I said "I'm upset that you didn't give my any reassurance when I txted "I do love you" I should do that more, but the couple time I've done it it's been with mix results.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
""I'm upset that you didn't give my any reassurance when I txted "I do love you"
This isn't about you having a bad time. This is about you showing that you are needy and brings out your insecurities. She may be trying the best she can right now. Put yourself in her shoes, if someone who you had a casual interest in asked you that, you would think they were pretty needy. These are your expectations and fall under how you expect her to react to you.
I agree with JTB about holding off on the ILY's.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Maybe a (edited) stranger yeah. I'd be concerned and yeah I've been on the receiving end of a premature ILY. Bu honestly this isn't a stranger. This is my G-D wife and someone I've known for 18 years.
It is absurd to treat this as a high school romance with the accompanying games. Lets be adults here. I've with held tbe ILY for 10 weeks for the most part. And dangit last week my wife said that sometimes she just wanted to hear me say I Love You. I did not consider it needy or pathetic AT ALL. Maybe my timing wasn't great
Last edited by Virginia; 01/14/1101:12 PM. Reason: inappropriate language
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
It's up to you whether or not you want to take this advice or not. It's not game playing. It is what it is from your W's POV. So she said that she wanted to hear you say ILY. Fine.
She didn't say that she wanted to say it to you did she? After your response, it's easy to see why she doesn't.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
