Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Can't seem to tell what stage or what i'm doing

I think it was all of the pressure on her nerves that she wanted to escape everyone in that house. After her parents are gone, I think you'll see a difference once she sees feels like she can breathe again.

I'm drowning again. And can't tell which way is up.
Still don't know what stage I'm in or what my plan is.

Last night, she had a migraine headache, and I rubbed her neck/back, and later her feet. And it helped her feel better.

Later, She got up and went looking to make a Treat. I looked some too. Suggested hot-chocolate. She looked at me intently. And I said "what?", she says "you don't want to know", I start to worry. I say "Bad huh?", she says "Yeah", and she walks out of the kitchen to the bedroom. I get really worried and start thinking about maybe she had a secret about her recent OM and hot-chocolate. My mind starts racing, and worrying. I go in to her, and say "please tell me, I'd rather know that just keep imagining, and worrying". She says that she was just going to suggest "Friendly Sex, kind of like Friendly Backrub". I say I was relieved b/c I thought it was going to be about OM (really dumb thing to say). She gets really frustrated, and tells me to leave the room and "just get out". So I left the room. Later I go back in b/c kids are there too. I hang out and send them to bed. She says "you don't want to hear me talk, i have a lot of nasty things to say". I said that's ok, and she starts talking about how I manipulated her again w/fear. She is sick of my worrying and anxiety, how I worry about seatbelts, and all. She mentions that she hasn't been unfaithful, (but it wasn't very convincing). She talks about how I knew she was in trouble and had asked for help, but that I let her break, and her friends are the ones who cared for her. She wants separation. Leave her alone. Maybe in a year, things will be different, but she believes I wont want her in a year, b/c we are not compatible, and that I am only "afraid of losing". I listen to all this, and apologize for things. I am very understanding and I don't argue. I say, OK I get it. Separation. You'll have it. I'll start right now, and I went upstairs to bed.

I am having such trouble with this "Loving Detachment". B/c loving someone leads to attachment. It is so difficult. I know I shouldn't have worried, and I know I shouldn't have pursued her to ask. And I know I shouldn't have mentioned the OM (she hasn't seen him in 2 weeks, and I'm pretty sure its off). Am I playing both angles? Maybe I'm doing DB/LRT, but then flipping right back to repairing R.

So am I back to the drawing board? with DB and 180 and all? or was there something good here b/c she was considering Friendly-Sex. I dunno. I'm feeling really messed up right now.

Simpleton,

It's never too late to reshape your frame of mind so that you can do a healthy 180. Don't beat yourself up about your slip-ups, that's normal to do. Just learn from them and do your best not to repeat them, just like any life lesson or skill.

Right now, I don't think she knows what she wants. I'm no expert on the female state of mind of course, but it looks like she is willing to see what happens if you get closer. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like either of you are in a state of mind to deal with things the minute something goes awkward. You immediately think about OM, she immediately gets cold and accusatory of manipulation. I think you need to look at these "experiments", if you will, simply as a "not a horrible sign." Meaning, it gives you a glimmer of hope that things could be better, after all, she's not avoiding you completely and hasn't moved out.

What you need to do is stop smothering her. She feels smothered every time you get worried and contribute to making things awkward. Sounds like you're still in the stage where you're obsessing about everything she says and does. You have to REALLY try to just be own your person in the house...think about it...you wouldn't like it if every move she made was centered around you...it would get annoying and then irksome.

One last thing, what are you apologizing for? Can you elaborate on that? I'd only apologize for things you are legitmately sorry for that you have legitmately done wrong. Are you apologizing just because you feel like you should say you're sorry, or are you truly convinced you have done dozens upon dozens of wrong things that warrant apologies. If not, then listen, and validate, but watch the amount of apologizing. See if that mindset makes a difference.

Try to calm down. You'll notice a big difference if you do. None of this is the end of the world...it's just a challenge you have to figure out. You can do this.

Thanks for the great advice. Yesterday was a good day. I was able to give her lots of space, and still be nice to her. I think it helped. Also, I have been over-apologizing. I know. I will lay off of that too. I think I'm going to put my spare-energy into fixing/cleaning the house, and spending time with the kids.

Strangely today, I feel angry. Which is kind of a new feeling for me.

I think I have been a good husband. I am caring, play with the kids, i'm responsible, help with the house, take her out to lunch, talk on the phone with her. Spend all my free time with her and the kids. I really do give her a lot of attention.
Some people think that I've over-pampered her. We have a nice house. I come home early from work. Church together. I don't go out or drink or whatever. I know I have had some failings, like I should have moved her parents out sooner... Should have bought her the TV that she kept asking for.

I know I followed a lot of cheeseless tunnels to prove that I was right about some things. But all in all, I think I am a good husband, and a valuable human-being.

She has complained everyday since Dec 9 about leaving (maybe skipping 1 or 2 days). She is blaming all her problems on me, and I just don't think it's fair.

Maybe for me, a 180 would be quitting. I'm tired of being nice and playing the friend card all the time. How is it that someone I love could turn and stab me in the back like this?

What would she do if something REALLY bad happened? What if I had an accident, or I got injured, or something? Would she really be there for me? I'm guessing NO. How is it that i'm trying to save my M, and I'm wondering if i'll ever be able to open up to her again? I don't trust her, and i'm mad at her.

DB'ing is great, but I don't see how I'm going to go back to a spouse after being abandoned and hated. Does forgiveness cover all? Just keep taking the abuse? I think i have endured a lot of emotional and verbal abuse during the course of our Marriage.
And now it's going to climax to this? Where I'm the guy to take all the blame, and just keep smiling?

This stinks.
Sorry to Rant.
Don't worry, I'm going to see my counselor today.

Also, I am DB'ing... with the hopes that maybe she'll change-her-mind and decide that she really does want a future with me? And that maybe i'm not worthless? Doesn't seem like a very good scenario to rebuild a marriage on, even if she were to change her mind about me. Ouch. Rejection.

Just wanted to say that I'm feeling better, and have a few positives to add to my journal.

Yesterday, she asking if I was going to the gym w/her, and I said No. She went by herself.. then like 40 minutes later, she texted me and asked if we could go to lunch, and I agreed. Had a great "date", and she even called it that. Our second date - since the bottom fell out.

Last night she asked me several questions about the "new me".

How come you are my knight in shining Armour now? Doing everything right? Why did you have to wait till I was going to kill myself, to change? Why are you doing this? Are you manipulating me, to get me to stay? (lots of these type questions). We got inturrupted, and I didn't press to re-bring it up (see me not pursuing?), but later she brought it up again, and I did get to answer.

I explained that I had a wake up call. I need to figure out who I am now, with or w/o her. And I need to press on and meet my
responsibilities, regardless of what is happening. I am refocusing, I am changing through this crisis, and I dont even
know who I am, but i'm moving forward. I am not manipulating. W can have all the space she needs, I can back off even more, separate, or whatever. I'm not trying to change that, just trying to be the man I need to be. I confessed how co-dependent I had been w/her, and relied on her for everything. She agreed. W mentioned how she had been unhappy for a long time. W cried for a while and asked me to leave, and I found out today that she cried a lot last night. Might not seem positive, and I'm not really sure why she cried so much.. but I do think that its working.

In other news, I got some advice today (from well meaning friends) that I should talk to her about her Facebook behavior. B/c she has hidden the computer screen when i come into the room, and has admitted that she doesn't want to me to see.. so i suspect she is chatting with OM or someone, or lots? Who knows.. but I have so far stuck to the principal, of no-conflict, no pursuing, no pressuring, no confrontation.. right? I want to say something, or ask her to be careful online.. but so far I am steering away. I've considered spying, or keylogging, but I think that would be harmful to ME.. and then i'd have to lie if she asked me. and i've considereding asking her to stop the facebook, but that is all counter-productive to DB, so I think i'm going to hold off.

I re-read lots of printouts and blurbs I have collected on this site daily, they help me to stay focused on my goal.

Q: Do you think it's ok to ASK if she is seeing/chatting/texting someone? or is that Pursuing too?

Also, I'm considering saying something like "I have un-friended several facebook people to protect myself and our marriage". And just let it ride on that, and hope that she hears the message.

Another Q: Am I supposed to GAL?
What if GAL means having fun with the kids, and doing home repairs? Focusing on my Father/Homeowner role, and not my husband role? It's not clear-cut since she's still in the home, and we talk and occasionally go out.

Bad news is, I overheard her having a happy-conversation on the phone last night after we all went to bed. I had this feeling that it was a guy. I went in and just asked, "Is it a guy"? And yes it was. We had a long talk (mostly her), and she says she's trying to figure out who she is, and what she even wants in a man. Like this is an experiment? But i have suspected that she was chatting online, so I know there are several guys she is talking too. I'm really crushed. How is she going to figure out who she is, if she's trying to talk to other guys? Says she still wants to be friends, and maybe in a year, if things (meaning me) have changed, we might be able to start over. I can't believe it. I think it's time to really start my GAL, 180. I can see that she is not going to try for this M at all. I know I shouldn't be crushed, but it really stings.