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Thanks Bill.

I had to read this a few times .... but I agree with it.

As it turns out, she didn't agree to the plan even though it was based on her suggestion, because it "wouldn't allow her a real separation." I said "I understand, this wouldn't allow you a real separation." and went about my usual business for the day.

She is going to do, what she is going to do. Nothing I can do to change it. I'm ready to take care of me and do what I want to do. She has to find her own road.

Hmm, she just texted me from upstairs to ask if we could talk about arrangements for the separation sometime tonight. I guess I will just validate, and sympathize ..... and I don't know. I don't know what to do here. I need to preserve a friendly tone. But I don't want to be a doormat either. I don't want a separation. help!


BITS ...... this stuff s*cks

Posts aren't showing up!

I did so well last night. I set some boundaries "no, I'm not interested in moving out of the house" ... and "that furniture will be staying with me" ... while being calm and pleasant about it.

I told her that I didn't think this was the right thing, but understood that she felt like she needed to go live somewhere else.

Just the whole time ... I was firm, but pleasant, not too concerned, I validated her feelings and protected my boundaries.

I went to bed with a smile on my face :-)

I am doing quite well detaching, but also making her do the work to separate. I don't expect anything out of her ... and am not disappointed.

I know she intends to move out ... and when she does it will be fine. I am making sure that I stay her friend while protecting myself.


BITS!!!!!!
this sh*t s*cks .... but it'll be alright

She's off looking at apartments

And I'm not scared. Just being friendly .... active listening ... validating her anger that her mom doesn't support her in this etc.

Thank GOD for this board. I'm doing great ... and she's gotta find her own road.

I was a WRECK a few weeks ago. Thank you everybody!


BITS!!!

Hey man it sounds like your doing good to me. At least on the surface you seem to be handling the situation much better than I am.

BITS

Thanks 2step. Hang in there. Take care of yourself FIRST. Your daughter needs at least ONE sane person around. And, the WAW isn't sane.

So, after looking at apartments she came back as was moping around and sighing a lot. I went to the gym.

When I came back, she said she feels like crap because she has to live in a crappy apartment instead of this nice house.

I validated that it wouldn't be fun to do that. She was just distraught all day and kept trying to hug onto me and cuddle up against me.

I left to go hang out with a friend.

Sunday morning, I woke up and felt REALLY happy. She noticed this and asked me why I was so happy. I told her "because life is good. I'm not in Africa with flies crawling on my eyeballs wondering where my next meal is coming from." She was shocked. She feels like crap and can't understand how I can be happy.

I left to go play basketball with friends. When I got back she said that maybe we shouldn't sell the house afterall. Now, she had been pushing for a few years to sell the house since we bought the house she grew up in and she was now trapped there by the economy. This was one of her complaints about ME. That I was preventing us from moving out!!!! I told her that no, I didn't want her to continue to feel uncomfortable in a house. And that even though we would be taking a financial loss ... that we should sell this house and get on with life. She was shocked. She was now wondering if we shouldn't keep the house because she wasn't going to be able to afford a nice place on her own.


Her moping continued until after we put the baby to bed. She came upstairs, kissed me ..... and then said "I'm sleeping in the guest room downstairs". I was shocked ... I had control of EVERYTHING all weekend. I had taken my life back. But she got me here ... I felt fear for a minute. But then, I let that wash over me and kind of looked forward to being able to read in bed for a change.


So, she doesn't know what she wants. But, I don't care what she wants ... and this confuses her more. I'm moving on with my life. With or without her. I'm going to have a great life .... and my daughter and I are going to have great times together. I have control over MOST of my life.

How's it goin 1Step? Sounds like you are doing well!

I understand your frustration with our posts not going up. Im having problems too. Keep posting though! We're all still here.

Well, last night was rough. I still can't figure out if I messed up ... but I do know that I feel like I have my nuts back and that feels good.

While giving our baby a bath, she asks to talk to me for a bit. She then says that she would like to know if I thought we should get a lawyer to do a formal separation agreement. I told her, that wasn't my problem but she should do what she felt comfortable with.

Then, she got mad and said that she shouldn't have to leave the house ... and I should know that she could call the cops right now and have me removed. Well, I very firmly told her that first of all, she has been complaining about his house for years now, and she was the one that wanted out .... and I had no intention of leaving my house. IF she needed to get out to live her life, then she should go do that. It wasn't my problem or decision. I then told her that if she wanted to call the cops to have me removed, that she should do this. That too, was not my decision to make.

She got even angrier and said that everybody was telling her that she was naive and I was going to screw her over. I told her that she needed to do whatever she felt was right ... and if she thought those people were right that she might consider taking their advice.

Then, I put the baby to bed and when I came out she apologized and wanted a hug. I thanked her for her apology, declined the hug, and informed her that I was going to the gym. I worked out hard for 2 hours but felt more resolute than ever that I was just tired of her acting like a child.

I came back home, and wrote her a check for half the '09 tax return since I had told her from the beginning that it was our money. She was crying and freaking out. Then she started telling me all the ways I had screwed up the marriage. I validated all of her feelings but was firm that it was her that was bailing on our family. And I know that there had been problems but I wasn't giving up. Here is where I think I slipped .... I said "you're the one that thinks the right thing to do is leave me and split up our family ... not me". So, I put some pressure and guilt on her .... and this wasn't a good idea.

BUT, this is a 180 for me because I had been begging and pleading her to go to counseling and work on the marriage and please don't leave the house etc. Now, I really feel that I don't have a decision in that .. and if she needs to go she needs to go.

So, I know I made a few mistakes ... but I also feel really good. No more Mr. Nice Step ;-)

She has sent numerous texts today apologizing and asking me about my plans for tonight. I have thanked her for the apology and informed her that I decided to go to a college basketball game with friends tonight.

I feel good ... but I still have some fear that I am just starting not to care ... and thinking the M probably won't work so its time to just live my life and protect my interests. And that doesn't seem like the way to be married ... but I guess we really aren't all that married right now anyway.

I dunno ... feedback please??