Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis This Storm Shall Pass

Do you all believe that DB really works best before our spouses actually leave, while there is still a thread of commitment to the marriage?

Of all the good questions you put forth, this is the only one I feel I can truly answer with any degree of accuracy. Yes, DB'ng would work better before they leave, but so many of us, in fact, most of us, don't or won't realize there is a problem before the door hits them in the seat of the pants.

I know I made excuses and accepted lame excuses for my H's temper, drinking, etc. Laid it all off on the stress of the job. Everything would be better once he retired. Yeah, right.

And then there is the problem of even getting our Spouse to acknowledge a problem even exists. If you are not careful, they will have you believing it is you that is crazy.

All this doesn't mean it can't or won't work out. You've been at this much longer than me, and the standard wisdom here is that you will know when you are done. I have chosen to, as I call it, stand down. It doesn't mean I'm through standing for my marriage, just that I am no longer allowing myself to be involved in his craziness. I'm no longer living as a hermit. I'm GAL'ng to the best of my ability, and actually having a blast.

I have read the analogy, "I'm walking on down the hallway, but I didn't shut the door behind me." I believe this applies. Whether that takes weeks, months, or years, who knows? If ever? But I won't be the sad old lady with 37 cats waiting for him to walk through the door wearing his shining armour.

You have obviously found great comfort from the Bible. I hope you continue to do so. The hardest lesson I've found is that all things happen in God's time. Not our time.

So yes, things would probably work better if DB'ng started before our H/W left, but in a perfect world, who would need DB'ng? ((HUGS))

Today I have a free day. It's a long day because I have to see my surgeon last this afternoon and I am anxious. I've spoken to a couple of good friends on the phone. I realise how much they've supported me through all the trials of the last few years. I have been through so much with my illness and then the drama with my H.

I realise that I've had enough. I never thought I would feel this way but it hit me today when I received an email from H asking where I purchased my ironing hanger from. I answered with the store name and nothing more. I just couldn't be bothered. It actually irked me. I'm a bit like the others I have read before who've said the door is open. Yes, the door is open but I'm not holding it open, standing at the door as a greeter. The door is open but it's swinging and it could blow shut at any time. The only way it will ever remain open is for H to put his foot there as a doorstop. That won't happen. H is stuck and for me to allow myself to remain stuck with him is not doing justice to the life God has blessed me with.

(((Cas)))

(((((Cas)))))

I hope your visit at the surgeon's went well for you.

I support you in all your decisions.

I fully understand your position at this point in time.

You are so deserving of much more (I am too), I wish you peace and contentment in the days ahead....

Your Friend,

Sanderika

Thanks Seeking and Sanderika.

Surgeon visit was better than expected. H text me after to see how it went.

Today H called to tell me about the flood warnings and to remind me of things to do to be prepared. This was interesting since we are not at risk at this stage. We pray, of course that it remains this way.

Went to see The King's Speech today. I thought it was a wonderful movie.

Hi Sanderika,


Oh yes, that we are Sanderika, and we do need to keep reminding ourselves of that.

As I wish for you!! Thanks

Thought for today

Does a person who needs control delay settlement/divorce proceedings because once these processes are all sorted they have relinquished control and they need that control to feel ok about themselves?

Yes, I believe they do. I also suspect at some level when we are gone they will need something else to blame or take a long look at themselves . . . .

I think there are several MLC 'divorce models' - the ones that rush straight for the divorce, and then often marry OW, then the ones that wait some time before filing and prolong the process by all types of delays, sometimes even offering a spurious attempt at reconciliation. I don't know why some are so 'sure' and rush ahead, and others spin out the process, in defiance of all reason with regard to costs etc. Sometimes they are quite nice during this process, but still go ahead, while others stay mean.

But yes, I think it is about control and also blame. They need someone to feel responsible for all of this, and when the OW euphoria wears off, even if they remain together, the need for a scapegoat kicks in.

The other thiing you sometimes hear is that they somehow think it will wipe the slate clean. They do feel guilty at some level, and don't know how to deal with it. I am getting overtures for 'friendship' after a really hurtful divorce . . . . . I know it isn't real because he still isn't addressing any of his issues, but still needs to feel good about himself . . . . . It is as if they do not understand what divorce is really about - the severing of a legal contract and a solemn covenant, after which [apart from chldren is they are under 18] there is no further tie between us and them.

Also saw The King's Speech - loved it

Hi,

I think it's control in it's basic form as well as the need to control their own options as they see them.

As long as they are creating delays in the divorce process, they instigated, they feel they have the option to return if things don't quite work out they way they thought they would.

In all our cases.....Our H's have been very careful not to stray too far almost always leaving one foot in the door. Keeping us at arms length and reeling us in at whim when we have strayed.

It's all so very interesting.

I for one wish I was not called upon to live out the drama of a MLC. It's eye opening and the lessons have proven invaluable. It has taken it's toll on me at the same time.

Sanderika

And you are the most important part of your story. Take care of you, Sanderika!